DOSE:

repeated

insufflated

Cocaine

(powder / crystals)

BODY WEIGHT:

120 lb

I think I'm writing this to let other people know how serious some of this is. This isn't going to be like a lecture from your health teacher, I'm not one of those 25 year olds who want to tell you about a mistake they made when they were eighteen to prevent you from doing the same. I think I'm writing this because I was reading some of the responses from other people, and I read the same thing over and over in a lot of them, 'Yeah so my friends and I picked up a gram and headed back to....' or also, 'I’m really a pothead, so I was afraid when I tried coke.' and I think it's funny because with me it's completely different. I hate smoking pot. I think it makes me stupid, and it gets in my hair and on my clothes, it's unattractive, it smells, it makes the texture in my mouth disgusting, darkens my teeth, and is cheap and grimy and filthy. And I was never really big on drugs, so I always though if I was gonna do something, make it worth it.

Well, last winter I met a guy. He was really attractive and I was really into him. Also, have just come out of a year and a half long hell trip of a relationship a few months prior, I was kind of looking to start up dating again. We talked a lot, hit it off. Only problem was, he was cokehead. He was in rehab for 18 months, and got out and was still using. I wasn't into it at all then, and we broke up a few weeks later for the reason that I didn't want to be involved with someone who was not only using, but dealing cocaine. Turns out later he called me a hypocrite.

A while after we broke up, I was sleeping over my friend’s house. there were five of us, and we all got together to spend the night because our friend who had moved to the other side of the country was up visiting for Christmas and we wanted to celebrate her first night back. We were all gonna get shit-faced, until my friend suggested we get some coke, and asked me to call my ex-boyfriend to sell it to us. I was more curious at this point about what my ex liked about it so much, and also that my friend had previous done it and said it was like nothing else. So I made the call. We all split about two grams. Spent the whole night by the fireplace. I loved it. It made me talk so much. It made me completely open up and actually, made me cry from laughing so much, and then when coming down made me cry from being depressed.

But then the night was over and that was that. I always thought about how much I liked it though. And having connections I could get it whenever I wanted. And I could most of the time get it free, and other times get it cheap. I used to call up my ex at midnight, sound seductive, go back to his house, give him a blowjob, and we'd spend the whole night doing lines and hanging out.

I took advantage of this. I didn’t really feel bad, because I had previously had feelings for him. And we were close friends. And I was really attracted to him, and could hook up with him and in return do coke for free whenever I wanted. So I thought this was a very good thing. We lost touch when he started ripping off my friends and became a jackass. I stood up for my friends all the way. I found a new dealer, and my friend and I used to buy from him. Sixty bucks a gram for better shit than we've ever done before. We used to cut up lines in starbucks bathrooms, at parties, anywhere. And then it sort of died down a little bit.

Then I started doing it alone. I noticed when I could get it; I would do it by myself. Anyway, I was at the mall with a male friend of mine one day (no sexual relation) and he introduced me to a friend of his who I was very attracted to. That night my girlfriends and I had a sleep over and got an eight ball, for old times. Two grams of it were mine. So throughout the night I polished off a gram by myself. And had one left when I left early in the morning. My guy friend from the night before told me his friend was interested in me, so the three of us hung out the next day.

I casually brought up the fact that I had coke, and we all did it together. I really liked this guy and he seemed to really like me too. We were hanging out the whole day, making my friend feel like the third wheel. Went back to my house and this kid and I were hooking up. Now, coke makes me extremely horny, but makes it impossible to get off so it sucks completely. Anyway that kid and I hit it off and have been together ever since. Now this is about March. Everything that's happened so far has happened in about a Christmas-March period.

We were going out, and we used to just get coke whenever it was around. Eventually, we got sick of buying it gram by gram. And he knew this really great dealer he used to buy weed from (ick) and who could get coke almost 95% uncut, from a guy in the city. This is when things got way out of control. My boyfriend bought 1250 worth of 95& un-cut coke at once. And since he's been pretty good friends with this dealer for over two years, we got about 33 grams for this amount. It was rocked. It was crystallized. And it numbed our mouths like nothing else.

When we first got it, we looked at it like it was the best thing. And we did it all the time. I read about people saying 'yeah I did 3 lines.' 'We did a gram.' I’m talking, we did coke everyday. All day. We went on binges. We didn’t eat. We hardly slept. I lost 15 pounds in less than two weeks. We cut it with baking soda and sold it. We did the un-cut stuff ourselves. Between just the two of us we would each polish off eight of nine lines at once because our tolerance became so strong. It was there whenever we wanted it. Now our sex life completely shot down because I was extremely horny but could never get off during sex. And he was horny but couldn't get hard. This completely turned me off and even if I could get off makes me not want to have sex with him anymore anyway.

What’s worse is, we got his little brother into it, who’s 14. I love his brother, we were like such good friends, and the three of us used to hang out together all the time. He tried it once. And then started doing it with us all the time. There was not an hour in a day, and a day in a week where I wasn’t high on coke all the time. I hated coming down so much then every single time I started to I would just do more. For days. Because I could. I never even got to experience what it was like to be without it, and want more. Because it was always there.

Until one day, when there was probably around ten grams left, my boyfriend’s mother found it in the messenger bag he used to carry around. She flushed it down the toilet in front of him. And I remember thinking if it was me, I would of took apart all the drain tubes and injected the mix into my veins (something we said we'd never do was inject it.) It was like I was cut off. We had no money. We had no coke. We really cut out all our friends while we were coke binging together and none of our friends were into it like us. He was now getting drug tested all the time. And so was I. I lied to my parents and said I tried it once when really they had no idea. I found out what it was like to now have it when I needed it. And I needed it. It wasn't want anymore.

I started going through withdrawals, having anxiety attacks, shaking. I’m actually still going through this right now. Because it's August now. My boyfriend’s mother found it maybe 3 or 4 weeks ago. And I feel like I should get into some kind of rehab or help or counseling or something, because I’ve become such a mess. I also try to hide from my boyfriend the fact that I need it so bad because he seems to be handling it well. Unless he's doing the same as me.

But it's like a trap. And I can't get out. And it ruined so many things for me. And I’m not telling you a story about my experience 5 years ago. This all happened in the span of the last 8 months and it's still happening now. And even though I realize what a mess it is. I would still do it. Cocaine is such an addictive drug, and it's physical and mental addiction.

Exp Year: 2005	ExpID: 45205
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Nov 15, 2007	Views: 30,575
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Cocaine (13) : Sex Discussion (14), Hangover / Days After (46), Relationships (44), Addiction & Habituation (10), Not Applicable (38)