Citation: Tyler. "Craving for E: An Experience with MDMA (Ecstasy) (exp45283)". Erowid.org. Nov 7, 2007. erowid.org/exp/45283
||(pill / tablet)
I had dropped E previously 20 times. All during my Junior, Senior and post graduation, so around a span of 2 years. All of which were done in either friends houses or clubs, never an actual rave. I stopped using it in March of 2005. Then in June a friend decided to take me to my first massive rave. I dropped two that night, and god I loved it so. It was amazing. I got everything, I had everything right there, the whole scene was made for me, total happiness and connection.
Now I have been hooked on other drugs before and was able to cut it off very easily when I felt that it was time too. I didnt realize what this rave would be the start of.
After that rave in June, I had to go again, so I went to one right next week and dropped two again, even more happy, better than the first. But unlike the first one, after this one ended I felt kind of angry, and a bit sad that it had to all end. After the first rave I suffered no depression at all, and was back to normal by monday. (appetite) But after the second rave I kind of hit a sour note by Tues. I felt depressed and seeking something but I did not know what, and bored to fuck. I hung around with friends and stuff but it just didnt hit any of my chords, they seemed lame as hell. The only thing that made me happy was that there was another big rave coming up in three weeks.
It seemed that I was just passing each day knowing that each one is getting me closer to the rave. I mean I didnt tell myself that I might have been hooked, not then. I just told myself that, hey it's only my third one, and it's summer I gotta have fun. I was listening to techno the whole three weeks, and working out to build up all of my serotonin to its peak. I was like a fighter getting ready for a fight.
Then the third rave, even better than the first two. But once again when the rave ended, I felt that horrible feeling that it was over. What I had was gone, and I had to wait to get it again. I didnt want it to end like this. It was like I imagined the experience to last forever and take me someplace, but all it did was just end and they told us to get out of the club and I walked out into the rising sun, knowing that the next couple days, and maybe my whole life will be a fucking joke compared to this night.
Two weeks later, (yesterday), I went to my fourth rave. I dropped 4 pills last night. I was rolling my fucking balls off, and this was by far the best. The night ended and that fucking feeling was back, god I hate that, knowing that magic is gone once again and reality sets in, and all I can do is live it.
It's now Monday morning 12:10 AM. I got no sleep, still kind of faintly glowing, very faintly. I don't know what lies in front me. Depression? I told myself I'm not going to another rave for a month till the next massive. And I'm never dropping more than three in a single night. Probably not more than even two a night. I've done pot, speed, coke, crack and was really addicted to crack but came out of it. It's funny as fuck that this little pill is giving me such a craving, even more than crack I think. I mean after the first three raves I still put crack on top of E, but man... E with Rave combo is just fucking a killer. I'm kind of scared about the long term damage of taking 10 pills in a span of a month. Or 30 all together. Am I addicted? I think I am. I havent really started to have a hangover yet, but I know I can handle it cause I know it's depression and I'll tell myself that. I know that I can wait a month till the next one, I mean I got over crack how hard can this be? But what if at that rave, two doesnt work for me anymore? What if I have to up it? Then I would have to won't I? I mean I waited a month didnt I?
Shit man. My GF is with me, and it's good that she understands me. It's just a funny feeling cause I always told myself that I won't get hooked. If I get through this month sober then I'm fine. I could do it.
And I dont regret taking E or going to that rave in June.
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