DOSE:		oral	Cannabis - Hash
		smoked	Cannabis - Hash

BODY WEIGHT:

174 lb

Subject: Male, 22. 174 lbs.

For approx. 4-5 weeks (I truly did lose track) I ate daily a moderate to strong dose of hash; it varied. When the high wore off I'd smoke a little, usually one or two bong-bowls, to boost me up until I fell asleep. I'm currently on my summer holiday after working my balls off through exams. Therefore, I'd NO commitments of any kind to worry about, and the household is a loving one fully accepting of drug experimentation.

The hash was prepared as either canna-butter or canna-fudge (you'd've thought creativity would have called forth more imaginative nomenclature). Occasionally I'd also take between 10-15mg of diazepam. When outside of my self-imposed 'safety zone' for diazepam, I'd drink whiskey (SAFETY ZONE: ~3hrs/mg - i.e. if I took 15mg of diazepam, I would wait AT LEAST 3x15=45hrs before drinking; this was usually rounded up to the following day as previous experience has led to nasty attacks of depression when the two mix). Two days previous to the experience I'm focusing on I had also ingested 6g of 'premium powdered' Kratom as a tea, the day before I'd taken 15mg of diazepam. During all this there were no problems. What the following describes is my battle with what I truly believed was impending mental collapse. It is intended to illustrate the potential damage ABUSE can cause, not responsible USE. I have since made my peace with Cannabis, and her infinite love and wisdom remains willingly offered. She is not one to hold a grudge.

Previous drug experience includes:

Mushrooms: roughly a dozen trips (max. 3.5g dried).
LSD: 2 trips (max. 125ug)
DXM: ~8 trips (max. 300mg)
Salvia Divinorum: Sage Wisdom Tincture and smoked x6 extract (max. not sure, Tincture worked best but stripped A LOT of skin from my mouth)
Kratom: tried once, 6g of 'premium powder'
Cannabis: daily user for about 2.5 years
Diazepam: always have a good supply, but never take more than once a week. Withdrawal is NOT fun! (max. 20mg)
LSA: 4 trips (max. WAY TOO MUCH! 3 caps of a legal high called Druid's Fantasy, purportedly containing Morning Glory/HBWR seeds along with a couple of other things + 10 Morning Glory seeds, thinking it was an 'average' dose - never again did I take anything I wasnt 110% sure of - a leason learned early, a leason learned well)
Tobbacco (lame; worst drug I've ever tried), Alchohol, Caffeine

That's the chemicals dealt with, now for the character of the individual. I'd consider myself a little emotionally unstable. I have, in the past, had a few armchair-psychiatrists - all of which both were and remain my closest friends, and so know as much of the externally perceived 'me' as anyone is ever likely to - offer their diagnoses. By these I've been suspected of Autism, Schizophrenia, Paranoia, Depression, and Manic-Depression (Bi-polar disorder if you want to be polite; they didn't, which is precisely what I'd wish of my friends). I should stress that NONE of these have been confirmed by anyone with any official qualifications. I am also an asocial (NOT antisocial) introvert most of the time, and during my 4-5 week stint I saw only two people (excluding members of my immediate family).

It should also be noted that I have a very psychedelic mind. I'm not even sure myself what a 'psychedelic mind' would really entail, only that thought processes are extremely visual to me. Logical progressions, syllogisms, etc can only really be described with visual metaphor (by me anyway, and I'm the only one who was in my brain at the time so you'll just have to hang with it). This is transcribed, word-for-word, from what I wrote in reflection on my experience.

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A few nights uneasy sleep - i.e. smoking into unconsciousness rather than 'going to sleep' in the traditional sense - had led to me laying awake at 4am trying to stop the refluent river of my imagination making a deluge of consciousness. Before me hung a desert, each grain of sand a crystalline formation of my flowing thoughts; a fluid concept made concrete. In places this shining tide swept low, so deep in fact that from the valley in which it ran, a strange light below would twinkle a sardonic wink where Reason had bitten too hard at its cusp. Others of these opalescent thoughts appeared to have been so readily accepted as to have taken on their own amorphous consciousness; a mass of answers so arranged, given toe and tongue enough to call themselves alive and scamper toward wonders of their own creation. Great Towers stood high upon gaunt and quaking dunes, teetering as they pronged the barren blue of the sky, and quivering at the brilliant gleam; those life-heralding wreaths of Cloud that, in needing not a name can only be known as Absolute Truth; self contained and lonely in their beautiful plight. We treasure them, yet weep when shrouded is our sun.

These glittering interceptions of fact and prediction are building blocks of the nation of Mind, populated with a myriad known collectively as 'I'. A myriad that will take fingers of delicate glass and make with them great Temples at which to worship and sacrifice. These shall be called Logic, these shall be called Fact and Truth and Death. At their alters are the Kneeling Sheep, whose knees score black with the filth we are forced to dredge up from their foundations of such monuments. But, sheep, being as they are, will eventually cast out the darker of their lot; and my eye was on one such wayward 'I' as the minutes trampled by fast enough for that final moment to wonder what its friends were doing up round its ears. It had left the sanctity of its flock, for no longer were they holy in its blank, starring eyes. A tiny corner, shallower than the rest and glowing with the eerie light of uncertainty, was where it spent my moments, chip-chip chipping away gradually at the ground beneath its feet, then stomping with an impertinence I never could control. Until, eventually, as I stood upon the last remaining fragments of a well constructed argument, I saw what lay beyond premise and predicate. It is completely ineffable, because it constitution is not that of our Towers, our Temples, or even the Clouds and their radiant benevolence.

It was not madness, nor the stuff of such, though madness would result from my descent I am certain. I felt it pull at me, like flame with talons, leaching deeper with each moment that I stared it down. The remit of Logic and Law (in its eternal opposition to Chaos) goes only so far, and circumscribing its kingdom is a hinterland that drugs will lead you through. They are your guide, possessing an insight surpassing the capabilities of most human beings. As such, absolute respect is not only a duty and necessity but wholly implicit in their very existence. The new land is cold, and when you walk know your footstep fall far from the beating heart of the 'self', the Id, or the Ego. These things are constructed as a bastille, and rightly so. Society and its endemic impulse cannot exist without this sullen keep. With each question we interpret our answer such that they reinforce these walls, when the very act builds in us a covert curiosity at what lies beyond any self-imposed boundary. It would be foolish to think demolition a resolution, but I can't help but wonder; is he truly saved, who has not tasted damnation. I also cannot help but wonder if this hand is my hand, these eyes my eyes, I need a third word between 'mine' and 'yours' that implies both possesion and dissociation. I HATE LANGUAGE! It's like trying to stroke your lover to orgasm with a chainsaw! Too crude! Hulking lumps of sylabic goo!

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'It a metaphor, If you know what I mean.' - Ani DiFranco

Exp Year: 2005	ExpID: 45597
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Mar 31, 2006	Views: 11,009
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