DOSE:

repeated

Cocaine

BODY WEIGHT:

150 lb

I am twenty four years of age, and very confused and lost in my life. I use cocaine regularly or I guess most would call it irregularly, at least four times per week. Please note that when I say 'use' cocaine I am not talking about doing a few lines in the bathroom with friends at the local dive bar. I guess an example would be better used to describe this: My girlfriend whom I sometimes acquire coke for will do a few lines with me upon receipt, usually on a weekend. Then a week later I will be getting more and ask her if she needs me to pick some up for her and her reply is that she still has some left from last weekend. I on the other hand have re-upped at least three times during the week. I have never been able to occasionally due coke. So when I speak about using coke I am referring to the act of buying a gram or two and going home, where I proceed to stay up all night on the XBOX or PC.

I regularly stay up all night and then head to work still high. You might be thinking: OK, so this guy is a heavy user, big deal. The truth is I hate cocaine. It has single handedly destroyed my life. I first started when I was sixteen and for the first six months managed to keep it pretty social. Yet by the time I was seventeen I was cooking it in a spoon with baking soda to make crack and smoking 24/7. I will not bother to go into detail about this period in my addiction, yes I do admit to being an addict, nor will I go into detail about the stealing from parents and neighbors or the multiple times arguing with the folks about the paraphernalia found in either the laundry or on my person. All I will tell you is that I eventually got arrested and got clean and relapsed.

When I relapsed I had been clean for about six months. I did not try and deny my relapse as some do by trying to manage their usage. I dove head first into my little glass stem and in only two weeks at the age of eighteen I was in real jail, I had only been in juvenile hall before. I had plead guilty to armed robbery of a taxi driver in return for one year in county jail, five years probation and a suspended prison term of seven years. Long story short I was good (No coke but I still smoked pot) for about two and a half years. I moved out of the small town I lived in to a very large city. I began dating a woman about a year after my move and it just so happened that she was a recreational user. We lasted two years before the partying became a too often for her and I was becoming extremely irresponsible. I lost my job, and had started calling the connection on my own time. This was a big no-no in our relationship. We had always agreed that the only time we would get high was together at home. This was not the reason for our breakup, I am fairly confident she had no idea how much I was actually using.

That relationship ended six and a half months ago and I think in those six and a half months the longest I have been clean is maybe three days. I feel like I am leading a double life everyday. My friends know I do coke and I hook up half of the people at the local bar just for a little side money. What they don't know is that I rarely don't do coke. As soon as my connection arrives and I get everyone's stuff out to them. I go home and sit on the computer and key bumps from my baggie and drink beer all night till I have to go to work the next day. I work at restaurant as a waiter so my schedule varies week to week. So when I am off of work all I do is sit at home all day getting high or sleeping if I have run out. This is what I really wanted to write about but I got a little carried away in the prologue. I have no motivation anymore except to get my next score. I am currently sleeping on a couch where I have been since I broke up with my ex. I make around two thousand dollars a month waiting tables yet I drive an uninsured car and my registration expires this month. I have to be out of my place tomorrow, the first of the month, yet here I am having been up all night and hating my life. All the while doing nothing to change it.

Anyways, thanks for letting dump this rambling load of crap on you. It is the first time I have stepped back and looked at myself in a while. It felt very good to know that I was not in this self produced cocaine hell alone.

Exp Year: 2005	ExpID: 45896
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 24
Published: Jun 27, 2010	Views: 9,562
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Cocaine (13) : Retrospective / Summary (11), Addiction & Habituation (10), Relationships (44), Not Applicable (38)