DOSE:

oral

MDMA

(pill / tablet)

BODY WEIGHT:

175 lb

MDMA was a great experience in my life. I experienced many of the great aspects of it, and hardly suffered any ill at all. I am the rare case of feeling great for the next few weeks. I am the case of the guy who felt that it made him happier. It taught me lessons about life that I easily could have learned without it, sadly. Which brings me to a paradox....

I went thru a situation in my life where someone held me captive for about 3 years of my life, raped me, had other people do the same, and tried to kill me often. All I wanted was to get away. I haven't been clearly defined by a health care professional, but from what I have researched (tryin' to figure out why I was acting so weird and avoiding people, when I had been such an outgoing, happy person, before) is that I had all the symptoms of PTSD (post-traumatic syndrome). You know, the same thing as vietnam vets or rape victims....

After I had escaped from this person and hid myself, I started doing ecstasy again, hoping I could find that happiness again, since the world seemed so bleak and well... darker...

I ended up quitting it... I never did find that. Instead, I found nostalgia, and it just reinforced how I felt that the world was darker, instead of better now that I had my freedom back. It just felt all too fake and drug-induced. I felt I had to keep my defenses up or someone would sweep in and screw everything up again.

Only recently have I tried it again, but it was too soon. I felt happy, but it still felt fake. But I can say one thing... This time was different. I wasn't ready for it before, because it feels like the drug opens me up too much and I feel uncomfortable with even feeling the way I do; but, over time, it actually helped.

That time I felt I said too much, and that my friends didn't know how to respond. Not that I said it in a depressed way. I don't think I COULD have been depressed at the time, if I wanted to feel depressed. It was more of a 3rd person objective view and wanting answers.

Those conversations led to new conversations... Eventually, I took the drug again. That time was completely different. I don't know if it was because my friends had more time to think about it and respond or if it was just the right time, but it gave me a way to step outside of my habits to just think, without becoming overwhelmed by the emotions of what happened.

Let me clarify...

I believe the psychoactive effects helped me calm down and think, without the pain of reliving it. The common procedure to each conversation was that I could actually just TALK, and not think so much about how terrible it made me feel then. I was able to sort out the effects it had on my life, why I thought that maybe he did it, discuss it, and realize, calmly, that people understood--both with friends who were on MDMA and those who don't touch drugs at all.

It allowed me to open channels of communication that I thought were impossible before--no matter how close of a friend they were to me. These channels remained open, too. I admit that they were easier to discuss for about a week or so after I took the drug, and I felt like a huge load was lifted off my chest.

That makes me wonder about the possible effects of using MDMA pharmaceutically (SP?). What if the effects were low enough that the people on it didn't get intoxicated, but could just open up and talk about things they were bottling up? What if it could be more controlled (as a prescription narcotic) and wasn't abused? Could that be an effective method of helping people through therapy--especially the shy, over-defensive people like me?

I feel that my experiences with it have helped me out TREMENDOUSLY! --and honestly, I have taken doses that wouldn't get me intoxicated. It did help. --and I'm doing better because of it...

I don't take MDMA, anymore. I feel that it has had its part in my life. I feel it did what it was supposed to do. Although, I can't say I won't ever take it again. I don't hate it. I don't see it as a bad experience.

I see cigarettes as a bad experience... I CAN'T stop smoking... Although, I'll keep trying... I will take the life experiences I found in MDMA to help me overcome the last bits of my problems in PTSD, and that's so much deeper than some piddly dependence on cigarettes up on top of it all.

Hell... I can even say they've taught me something of my problems with quitting nicotine. I've found that if I do things like shuffling cards and nicorette (chewing gum works, but I've found that nicorette works better, because it kills the physical withdrawals) that it helps me not even think about cigarettes. I have something to do with my mouth and my hands--and at the same time, I'm getting a lower and lower dose of nicotine. Hopefully, this time it will work. I'm confident I can quit smoking--just like I beat PTSD.

CHEERS FOR ME, YO!

So, yea... If you asked me, I'm pro-MDMA... --As long as it is used for a purpose. I used to use it recreationally, but now that seems wrong. I see that it can be more helpful than that, as long as there are metered dosages and people abide by that dosage. It is extremely helpful in troubled people opening up and working through their problems.

I'm ashamed of having used it to make my life better because of those laws. --but I feel that I'm proof of how useful it could be, taking, in regard, how it works.... --and hell if I didn't have a great time and met great friends that lasted long after the drug wore off, in the process...

Here's to a better life!

Exp Year: 2005	ExpID: 46717
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Jan 31, 2022	Views: 463
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MDMA (3) : Various (28), General (1)