DOSE: T+ 0:00	1 hit	oral	LSD
T+ 5:00	1 hit	oral	LSD
T+ 0:00	repeated	smoked	Cannabis

BODY WEIGHT:

120 lb

I've been meaning to write this report for some time. My first experience with LSD was quite literally a profound life changing experience, and I owe my life, at least the life I have now, to it.

I grew up in an environment I wouldn't exactly call nurturing. After 16 years trapped in a home with a mother diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and acute post traumatic stress disorder, and a third father figure in my life who is a narcissist, who rules by fear and subtle, destructive manipulation. When people find out where I come from they often remark that they are 'Surprised I’m not all that fucked up.' But they have no idea.

My third father was very skilled at employing subtle mind control techniques (I'm not fucking with you. Google KGB mind control techniques, my 'dad' has used them) to break a Child's individuality and to crush any display of emotion, thus rendering the child his slave. I was ordered to address him as father by my insane mother, I have been laughed at for crying when I was a child, and I have been told I am worthless. I have witnessed suicide attempts by my mother, believed for a significant period of my life that I was in danger of being murdered in my sleep. Basically what I’m saying is, emotionally I am in pieces. It is very damaging to a child to be told by people that they love you, while they torture you at the same time.

So by this point in my life (16 years of age) I have been jumping from emotional pain-killer to emotional pain-killer ever since I discovered my moms benzodiazepines stashed at various points through the house. Addiction to benzos, amphetamines, opiates, and daily pot smoking ensued. You can't really understand the emotional state I was in prior to LSD, unless you've been there. I was at a point in my life where I truly believed that *LOVE DIDN'T EXIST*. I had heard people say they loved me for years, meanwhile watching them systematically crush my mind to pieces. I don't mean I didn't think I wouldn't find the one for me. I believed that everyone who told anyone they loved them where fooling themselves. There was no such thing as love, people weren't trust worthy enough. Only drugs could provide any sense of comfort to me.

Then, in September of 2004 there was a bunch of LSD floating around my school, and people where telling me it was really good stuff, so I went for it. It was the terry fox run that day, so school was very, very slack, and I dropped my first hit late in math class. By the time the bell rang I could already feel the LSD coming over me, so I ditched school and went to puff some chronic outside. The colors around me began to intensify, and with each hit of the pipe I could feel the LSD strengthening, almost sweeping me away. I was with a few close friends of mine at the time, which is why I think this trip took such a positive tone.

Then the trees began to swirl. I could see the orange and yellow and red leaves twirling about the trunks of all the stunningly beautiful trees. I could hear the leaves, and the grass. And for the first time in my life I was connected. Instead of being lost in a never ending fog of dissociation. This is something I struggle to communicate with mere words. I was no longer running. It became crystal clear to me that I was wasting my life in a desperate, constant attempt to numb every aspect of my existence. My world was transformed from shades of gray to the most brilliant colors possible.

I began to feel a warmth inside myself. I was walking down the street with two friends, and they were flowing with color. With life. and even with love. I think that was the warmth I was feeling. I could look at the grass, the trees or the sky, at the world around me and love it. Love every part of it. This warm feeling of belonging was to stay with me for the entire 16 hour experience, and for months afterward. One year later I can still look back at that trip and retain some sense of comfort from it, something I’ve never really had before. Throughout the day I gallivanted about the town, seeing wonderful things, but that is of little importance. LSD offered me a glimpse out of depression.

Today, one year later, I'm sitting here next to my girlfriend's bed. I can truly say I love her, something I never would have been able to do before. I took a risk and trusted her with myself, with my heart and it paid off. I'm seeing a shrink, and I’m in for a long year of digging through the pieces of my broken mind, trying to fit the pieces back together again and it will be hellish. But I now know, for a fact, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I have seen it. For 16 hours I lived it. And it will carry me through the difficult year I have ahead of me.

Since then I’ve dropped acid 4 more times, and every time it has brought me back to that wonderful place. I suppose acid was just what I needed before 'the healing could begin'. I needed something to let me trust that some day, some way I can get better.

Exp Year: 2004	ExpID: 47119
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Jan 16, 2008	Views: 13,008
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