Goodbye Innocence
MDMA (Ecstasy)
by Neko
Citation:   Neko. "Goodbye Innocence: An Experience with MDMA (Ecstasy) (exp47178)". Jan 11, 2008.

T+ 0:00
0.6667 tablets oral MDMA (pill / tablet)
  T+ 3:00 0.3333 tablets oral MDMA (pill / tablet)
Well, it had only been recently that I tried any sort of drug other than alcohol. I gave pot a shot and I had fun the first few times using it but, after that I had a couple of very bad trips and had no urge to smoke it ever again. It was that bad of a trip.

Around this time my friends and I were starting to get interested in glowsticking and really wanted to learn how. My brother was already pretty good at it so he started to show me how and I found out by accident that he was going to surprise me on my 16th birthday by taking me to a rave. I was really taken aback and I didn't know if I was ready, or what to expect. I was nervous and avoided saying yes for a while. It all just seemed really intimidating... hell I don't even dance and I'm pretty shy. So after talking with my really close friends they really seemed interested in going too, so I finally gave in and said yes.

After trying and trying a few of my friends weren't allowed to go because their parents wouldn't let them go to a rave and I was pretty down about that because I really wanted everyone to be there, especially on my birthday. My Mom on the other hand trusted me completely and she had no reason to suspect I would be doing anything bad. So I was pretty lucky.

Then my brother called me up one day and we were talking all about raves and then he asked me about what I'm doing at the rave.

“So... what are you doing?”
“What do you mean?”
“Are you going to drink beforehand? Smoke? ... E?”

That's all he ever said to me about E until my decision was made. I was shocked, up until this point I had never even thought of Ecstasy at all. All those memories of those drug presentations you get in high-school and the stereotypical “rave” scene the government puts out there so naturally I was really scared, nervous and skeptical but very interested all at the same time. I was the all around good boy, top of his grades and even smoking pot was a major thing for me to do. I was really unsure on whether to even consider it, and it seemed kind of weird to me that I WAS considering it. You know when you're young and you tell yourself 'I'm never going to do drugs' etc, but it's a lot different once you're older.

I first went to one of my best friends and while we had decided to go to the rave, I still didn't mention anything about E until one day when she was over. I just looked at her, smiled and I slowly said to her “Sooo... what do you think about E?” She started laughing hysterically and so did I, it was pretty funny because somehow we both KNEW it was coming. We talked a lot about it, weighed our options/risks and wanted to make sure we knew what we were getting into before we considered it. I also talked a lot about it with another close friend of mine, she's older and she's already experienced the rave scene and E a few times so who else best to talk about it with? After talking about it a lot with her, I really wanted her to be there on my birthday with me at the rave but she was a little nervous about getting back into E. She hadn't done it for 2 years. After a while she agreed to go and I was ecstatic.

We still had so many questions to ask so my brother recommended reading online. It helped me out a lot and had just about everything you would ever need to know, but I also was worried that I might have a bad trip and all those risks about death, over-heating, dehydration and drinking way too much water. I was pretty much bugging my brother with a million questions and he kept reassuring me that he would test it and make sure it's clean and safe. I trust him a lot, but it's a class A drug... it's ECSTASY! It was still such a foreign idea to me. My brother then told me he got these pills 'Red Hats' and that he tested it and it showed up black (MDMA). I was feeling a little better because I was not about to take any drug without knowing what it is.

So here comes my birthday and the day of the rave. I was psyched and nervous all at the same time, but felt awesome to have everyone there with me. Getting ready for the rave was really nerve racking but a lot of fun. My brother showed me the pills in the bathroom before he had to hide them. They were very big, red, taller than wide and had the imprint of what looked like a cowboy hat/baseball cap. I couldn't believe I was looking at Ecstasy, the stuff you've heard all about in the news and in the media, still a shock. I was extremely nervous about how he would get it in. He had his ways so I let that go but I was till worried about him getting caught.

We all finish getting ready and here comes the time to go. We all pile in the car and put on some trance music to get into the mood and arrive there early waiting in line to get in. 10pm-8am, wow, how the hell am I going to last that long? I found that out the good way later that night. They finally open the doors and my brother goes in ahead of me, my heart pounding because they were searching everywhere they could put their hands practically. We make it past security and wait for everyone to get in. We head into the main room and the venue was insane! I can't even describe it. Huge screens, lasers, smoke, pounding music being mixed live by international Dj's. Amazing.

So we wait a while standing at the edge of the main room and then my brother passes me one pill out of the sealed bag that he took out in the washroom. I felt like I was going to puke I was so nervous. I couldn't believe I'm holding a pill of ecstasy in my hand. I stick the pill in my shorts pocket until we go to the washroom to take it.

After a while of procrastinating and telling myself to just wait another 5 minutes my brother's friend and I head to the washroom to take it. He and I are going to bite half and save the other half for later. My first time so playing it safe was my priority. I get into one of the stalls and fumble for the pill in my back pocket. I take it out and look at it, it's pretty big and... well red. I couldn't stop focusing on stupid little things. I hesitated a little bit, closed my eyes and then just bit it. Lucky for me, only a speck came off and it tasted like tangy chemicals so I tried biting again quickly and it didn't break in half. The pill was REALLY hard. I finally bit hard enough and a chunk came off... still not half. So holding all these pieces in my mouth I take off another little chunk. A little more than 1 third is left and I stash it in my shorts pocket. I turn around and leave the stall… “I just took E.” I kept saying to myself, it was such a strange concept.

Shaking and my heart still pounding through my chest as I pass security I meet back up with everyone and we start to dance a little while waiting for the girls to take theirs. They came back and looked a little bit nervous themselves so I felt a little better that I wasn't the only one who felt that way. We started dancing and waiting for the E to kick in, only I didn’t know what I was really waiting for to kick in? I kept wondering what it was going to be like and if it would feel like the bad trips I had on weed where I felt like I wasn't aware of what was going on and my body. I had no idea what to expect.

It was a very slow come on and took about an hour to start before my friends started to notice me acting differently. I really didn’t notice a difference and when I told my friend that I wasn't feeling anything she seemed convinced I was high because I was dancing so hard. I didn’t realize that I was high at first because it was so different. It seemed natural. My mood was uplifted, I felt a little more loose and had lowered inhibitions. I suddenly got this rush of extreme happiness and I kept smiling and giving glances to my friends and it was like we were all unified. It’s really hard to explain and before this I had read a lot of experiences and asking myself “What the HELL do they mean by that?...'Unified'” But now I know you can never describe it in words.

A little while later I took the last third of the cap and then I really started to feel it. Physically my body started to feel fluid and the music became so crisp and clear. I was experiencing the best feeling I have ever had in my life. I had absolutely no worry or concern and I just felt like everything was perfect and meant to be. Here I am, on my 16th birthday doing something so new and exciting with my closest friends. It was life changing as cheesy as that sounds but I'm sure some people can understand what I mean.

I danced so hard that night and I totally let go, I wasn't that shy guy I've always known and it was amazing. Music never sounded like it did before and it felt like I was connected to every single person there. It was a shock to go into the bathroom, look in the mirror and see my eyes the size of moons. I couldn't stop smiling at myself. Touch was amazing. My friends and I kept scratching each others arms, necks and being all loved up. Everything I read about E was right. It was amazing.

Nearing the end of the end we all got a little tired and I barely even noticed a come down at all. It was so smooth and I just had this glow of happiness about me. Ever since my birthday I appreciated everything a lot more and it really did change my perspective on a lot of things, for the better. I became a lot more open and a lot less shy from the experience. Ecstasy is amazing and can be a great experience if used right.

Exp Year: 2005ExpID: 47178
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Jan 11, 2008Views: 9,605
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MDMA (3) : Glowing Experiences (4), First Times (2), Rave / Dance Event (18)

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