It Controls Me
Citation:   Shady12. "It Controls Me: An Experience with Cocaine (exp48478)". Feb 18, 2008.

  repeated insufflated Cocaine (powder / crystals)
I’ll skip past the first time I did coke to save time, but I am sure it was very similar to everyone else’s first time. But soon after I did it for the first time I became infatuated with it. Everything I did was either to buy more, or find a way to make money to buy more. For a good 5 months I drained my bank account, and sold many of my things, not to mention spent all of my paycheck, to keep up my habit. I bought off many different dealers because I bought it everyday and I couldn’t rely on just one source to support my habit.

I was so embarrassed of my addiction, that many times I told my dealer I was buying it for other people. Finally, after buying grams and half grams multiple times a day off the same guy (Let’s call him Greg), he asked me if I would like to just get fronted a quarter oz. so that I would not have to keep coming back to him. I really had to think about it for a while, but once I needed my next fix, I agreed and picked up the quarter. I did the whole thing to myself and struggled to find a way to pay back the $175 I owed Greg. Luckily I had just gotten paid so I gave him my entire paycheck. Greg gave me another quarter once again.

This time I swore that I would not do it all myself and that I would sell most of it. I told many of my friends that I was now selling and I actually got a few sales. I sold 3 grams for $50 each and I did the rest myself and coughed up the extra $20. When I went to pay Greg back and re-up, he told me he didn’t have anymore to give me. I freaked out and called his dealer and told him what I was now doing for Greg and that he had no more to give me. His dealer confirmed that I was who I said I was and asked me to come by.

I went by (Let’s call him Mike) Mike’s house and did not know what to expect. He asked me how much Greg usually gave me and I honestly told him I usually got a quarter (even though I had only picked up twice). He gave me a half ounce and said “See what you can do with that”. I was eager to impress Mike so I made it my duty to sell the half, and sell it fast. I spread the word and hit a couple parties and ended up making back the money within the first 6 hours. I called Mike (7 hours after he gave me the half) and told him I was ready to up again

Mike was shocked and asked me to come by. He praised me for doing a good job, and then gave me a full ounce and said “Now see what you can do with that”. Once again I hit the street, but by now I had somewhat of a reputation and it was not so hard to find customers. I made it my duty to make every single sale I could. I sold the ounce within a day and returned back to Mike’s. Mike told me that I was now his “Main Coke Guy” and said he was going to cut Greg and one other guy out of the loop and give me their normal portion as well. I was really excited because not only had I knocked my old dealer and his friend out of the game, but I was now getting 2 ounces at a time.

I continued selling like this month after month. I was so caught up in selling that I would prepare for the night before it even happened. I would load up my bullet (my personal stash for the night) which held 1.5 grams and then weigh out about 15 grams in individual bags and hide them in my dash. I then would stop off at a local gas station and pick up a 6-pack, and then head out for the night, ready to make sales. I would drive all around town, hitting the bullet and drinking beers just answering calls and making sales. This became an everyday thing, and I had no time to do anything else but get high all night on coke, get drunk, and make sales.

I had been doing this for so long, that I had even come up with a few routes that I would drive around on. I even planned out a few safe places to stop at to chop up and reload my bullet (by now 1.5 grams would not last a full night, so I would need to fill the bullet twice), and started hiding my beers in Del Taco cups to avoid suspicion when driving. This saved me one time, when I got pulled over on one of my normal routes. The cop pulled me over for a broken head light and even caught me with an open container in my backseat. He ordered me out of the car and gave me a field sobriety test and I passed. The only reason I passed is because I was so high (and alert) on coke. I had already had enough beer to blow at least a .15 BAC test. He warned me about how badly they could have busted me right then and there if they wanted to and let me go. I was so scared I packed up for the night and went home.

I kept this up for over a year and even managed to overdose on prom night. I know you think that I would go into more detail, but I don’t remember much. I remember not caring about my well-being and doing more than I usually would, and next thing I remember I was in the hospital. That’s pretty much it. After this I found it difficult to even do small amounts of cocaine without feeling like I was going to die or like I had done too much.

I decided to quit, but continued to sell on the side. It was amazing how much money I was making. Around this time, I had started dating a girl that I had been in love with since second grade. Nothing could be better in my mind. I was so happy with her, but it became very difficult to hide that I was selling drugs. I finally confessed and she amazingly didn’t care. She even asked if she could try some. I told her my story and that I hadn’t done it for a long while, but she insisted we try it together. This is the time that made me believe the phrase “Once an addict, always an addict”.

I went right back into my old habits, getting high all night, driving around, drinking the whole time. I found that if I did just a small amount all night along with drinking, that I would not freak out like I did after the O.D. We did this for about 3 months, renting hotel rooms every weekend to get high and have sex all night. My girlfriend eventually came to her senses and asked that we never do coke again; that we stop doing it and put it behind us. I agreed but kept doing it behind her back. To hide my habit, I made excuses where I was every night and this eventually led to our break-up.

The Break-up broke my heart so badly that I didn’t even want coke anymore. At the time she was living 2 hours away and I pledged that I would stop doing and selling coke, and move to her town and get an honest job. She scoffed at my promise and this became the base of my life. I quit doing coke cold turkey and despite death threats from my dealer, quit selling. Within 3 days I had packed up my stuff and moved out to my ex’s hometown. I found a job within a day and started work the day after. I began living with my brother who lived in the same town, paying minimal rent. I let a month go by, and I showed my ex the progress I had made. I had quit doing, selling, or even thinking about coke. But she refused to even give me the time of day.

I could not believe it, I had changed my whole life and moved away from my family and friends just to be with her, but she wouldn’t take me back. I realized that I would have to do more to impress her. I got a much better job working 8-5 at a big-time financial institution and had begun working out to impress her with my body. Just like cocaine, I spent every minute of everyday to impress her and win her back.

This went on unsuccessfully for over a year, and I had come to the conclusion that we would never be together again. This realization hurt so bad, that I felt no real reason to do good anymore. I began doing coke again on a daily basis. I hold down my job and my apartment, but I now spend every night high on coke. I have a girlfriend, but it almost seems like we’re just together for convenience. I am writing this now, high coming down off coke.

Exp Year: 2005ExpID: 48478
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Feb 18, 2008Views: 13,051
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Cocaine (13) : Addiction & Habituation (10), Multi-Day Experience (13), Relationships (44), Retrospective / Summary (11), Not Applicable (38)

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