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Am I in Love?
MDMA
by Ellysa
Citation:   Ellysa. "Am I in Love?: An Experience with MDMA (exp50688)". Erowid.org. Sep 16, 2021. erowid.org/exp/50688

 
DOSE:
  repeated oral MDMA
    repeated smoked Tobacco - Cigarettes

BODY WEIGHT: 145 lb


I think, after doing Ecstasy multiple times, one of the most important things I've learned is that you become very easily attached to people. So far, I have had two very bad experiences with this.

The second time I did Ecstasy, I had driven over to a friend's house, and I had taken one blue dolphin before the drive over, knowing I wouldn't be the driver, and it would take a while to kick in. It took about an hour to get to the house, and I had started feeling the pill slightly. When I got there, my friend T had told me he had gotten better pills and that I *had* to try them. I bought one, and he fronted me another.

At about 1 1/2 hours after taking the first pill, I took one of the pills he had given to me, a Star of David. About 2 hours after the first pill, I had felt the earlier feeling disappear quite easily. At this time, a friend ("B") I had met only once before came over, he had taken a pill as soon as he came over. About 45 minutes after taking the second pill (2 hours/45 minutes from the first pill), we had both started to feel it coming on very strong. And about 15 minutes later I started feeling everything because it felt so nice to touch and I was feeling quite social to everyone, as I couldn't stop talking. B had asked for a massage, since he was rolling hard too, and I came over and started to give him one. He heard that I had to leave, and immediately asked to give me a massage, telling me he had taken classes for it before. I went for it, and it felt amazing. He had just kept massaging me to the beat of the trance music we had been listening to, and it felt like each touch was just so powerful, as if we were about to just face each other and start kissing because everything felt so intense! I started sweating very badly because of the intensity, and after we exchanged a few massages, I felt like I could tell anything to B. We had talked so much, and I felt that I could tell him anything in the world, that I was on air because I had just met this wonderful guy that I really fell for. After I left (about 5 hours after getting to the apartment; 6 hours after the first pill; and around 4 1/2 hours after the second pill), I realized a friend of mine liked him, and that I barely knew him. But for some reason, I couldn't let go of that intensity, of the way I felt emotionally. I still dealt with these feeling after a week, and I still feel like I could be in love whenever I am around him
for some reason, I couldn't let go of that intensity, of the way I felt emotionally. I still dealt with these feeling after a week, and I still feel like I could be in love whenever I am around him
.

I thought this experience was somewhat fine, although it had made me very depressed for the times I wasn't rolling in the next few days. I had decided earlier that week that I would take 2 Stars of David at a rave I planned on going to that Saturday. Saturday was my sixth time rolling on the drug in the same week! I had become addicted to feeling nice and social, I liked being that way because I felt like I broke through this shell of being shy and awkward. On Saturday I had met up with some friends, and we were at another person's hotel room. I was with my friend D and this guy we didn't know. We were waiting for our friends to return to the room with some alcohol. The rave was starting at 10 pm and we had all decided to go fashionably late. So, as we were waiting, I had taken the first pill around 10:30.

Around 11:15 (45 minutes later) I started to feel that euphoria kick in. Most of my friends were mad that I wouldn't sell them my other pill, and this felt like it ruined the beginning of my roll. But at that time, we had all decided to go into the rave. We got there around 11:30 (an hour after the first pill), and I had smoked a few cigarettes earlier, because it usually enhances the effects for me. I had gone into the rave, and my friend, B, from my first experience, had told me to sit by speakers when I went to the rave. So of course my immediate reaction was to run up to the speakers and dance, and wave to the DJ, MC Chris. The music felt amazing, it felt like it was pulsing through my body and my ears felt numb because it was so loud. I started to dance and skip around the room saying hi and complimenting everyone. I had seen this boy, S, with a pacifier, and I had wondered if he was rolling. I continued to ask S if he was, and he didn't understand the terminology, so I assumed he just had a pacifier thinking it looked cool.

Around midnight (1 1/2 hours after the first pill) I took my second pill. After I had done this, I had walked around to the other side of the room, and S came back. He made an 'X' with his hands and asked me if I had any. I said I did earlier, but I had taken it already. Then we just started having a very in depth conversation about trying E and I told him what is was like, how many times I had done it, etc. Then, I told him that they had sold out of pacifiers and that I really wanted one, so he gave me his, understanding I'd need it. We had kept in touch and danced with each other a lot over the course of the next hour. I had been rolling quite hard, I had even tried to kiss MC Chris, but I had only been able to kiss him on the cheek.

S then told me later on that he had a girlfriend, and I started feeling devastated. He seemed to stay away for a bit, but then he just kept coming back and dancing with me and talking, which made me feel a little better. I had still been rolling all night, and around 4:30 in the morning, the rave was ending. S then walked me out of the rave and put his arm around me and we kissed each other on the cheek and continued to walk. We were in the lobby of the hotel where the rave was, and he started making out with me, and it felt amazing, because I was still rolling after 6 hours. He told me he and his girlfriend said it was okay for him to hook up at the event, but not have sex. (Which sounded like a load of bull, but at the time I didn't really care.) After that, we had just kept talking and touching, and before I left, we had made out more times, and for one last time. I felt like I was in deep love with S. I had just met this person, and I could look straight into his eyes and tell him how much I loved him, and how I didn't want to leave him, and that all I wanted to do was kiss him and touch him and tell him how perfect he was. When I left, I had started feeling bad for leaving and I pined to go back and see him and kiss him all over again. That night I couldn't fall asleep, as I had gotten to where I was sleeping at 7 am. Around 10 am, I headed out to go home, and I couldn't stop crying because I had missed S so much. He had only taken my screen name, since it was obvious we wouldn't have a relationship because he lived 3 hours away and had a girlfriend. I got home and cried some more, and I felt like it was really important to share how connected you can get with people you barely know. I got very, very depressed after this, and I know that for a few weeks I'll sit online all day hoping he IMs me because of what happened, it might take a much longer time to get over this.

If I had to describe the mindset of how I felt during these times, it felt like a bad break up. This was because seeing B would make me feel awkward because it felt as if we had this past, when we really didn't at all, and not seeing S ever again would feel awful because he had made me feel like a beautiful person and he made me feel appreciated and loved. The feeling of attachment is very hard to get through, so if I had to make any suggestions, I'd probably say to try not to connect with people too much, and realize after it's done, that most of the way you feel is just the E, and as the happiness and euphoria goes away, so do these fleeting feelings you get from people while rolling. If I had seen S the day after, or the day after that, while I wasn't rolling, I would probably not feel as powerful as I had before. Not keeping the connection with those people makes it much harder.

Exp Year: 2006ExpID: 50688
Gender: Female 
Age at time of experience: Not Given 
Published: Sep 16, 2021Views: 273
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MDMA (3) : Multi-Day Experience (13), Relationships (44), Difficult Experiences (5), Rave / Dance Event (18)

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