Citation: Tiz. "What Heaven Must Feel like: An Experience with MDMA (Ecstasy), Alcohol & Cannabis (exp53319)". Erowid.org. Dec 12, 2007. erowid.org/exp/53319
I had expressed my interest in doing Ecstasy to a friend of mine. He said that when he could get a hold of some, we would do it.
Well it was a Friday night. I had a few friends over, T, S, Q, and A. I figured it would be just another one of drinking and nothing too out of the ordinary. I had drank a bottle of wine to myself and had a few chili bombs (Crown Royal and Red Bull) over about a 4 hour time span so was feeling a little tipsy, but not too bad. I had also smoked some pot, which I always do. T was feeling kinda crazy that night and decided he wanted to take some pills that were over at S's house. They left and returned shortly after. Around 3am T had taken one pill (not exactly sure of the dosage) and then sniffed another pill. They were just clear capsules with a white powder inside.
T pulled me into the kitchen and asked if I wanted to do it, I asked what it was and he told me it was 'Molly' I had never heard of that, and I research pretty frequently on drugs so I asked him what it was. He told me it was MDMA, which is ecstasy, but it was not cut with anything. I was down for it so I took the pill. A few minutes later, my partner in crime, Q, took one as well. S decided to take a pill too after a little while too. A isn't into that sort of thing and acted mostly as out sitter. Q had drank significantly more than I had. By the time we had taken the pill Q was pretty loaded, while I was fine.
I'm not exactly the frame of time here, as the entire night grew to seem to last about 3 days long. I would say it was a good hour or so before I started to feel anything. It started to hit Q hard, she could not keep her eyes open and she moved in super slow motion. I have tried some pharmaceuticals in the past that have had little to no effect and I started to get grumpy thinking that this would not work on me either. I just kept thinking 'damnit I was to be as f***ed up as she is!' I went and sat by T on my couch and he started to rub my back, that is when I started to realize that it was starting to kick in.
He just ran the tips of his fingers up and down my back, on my neck. It just felt like a normal massage, but just more sensual. Q was wearing these beaded bracelets and she came and sat by me and I just ran the bracelets up and down her arm, it felt SO good on my hand. We are very affectionate with each other anyway and so we just snuggled a little together on my couch. I just remember thinking how much I loved her and how happy I was that she was there with me. And then I looked over at S and was really happy that he was there as well. And I would never want to do any unfamiliar drug without T there.
Earlier in the night my friends had been doing this thing that we all used to do as kids where you lay face down on the ground and have someone lift your arms up, and kind of hold you up until the blood rushes out of your arms, then your arms get slowly set down and it feels like you sink into the carpet. So we all did that. That is when it really hit me. I just laid face down on my living room floor for about a minute. I just sat and let the carpet touch my face. I got up and felt an overwhelming sense of euphoria. The rest of the night T, S, Q and I all mostly just sat with our eyes closed, smoked pot, and listened to music. We have sense talked about it and all say how it was just such an awesome night, even though we really did absolutely nothing.
We were all completely conscious of everything. I remember the entire night. I sat with S on a chair for a little bit and he rubbed my back and played with my hair. I felt so in touch with him. My eyes were closed and I could still see what everyone was doing. Looking back on it, I don't think what I was seeing with my eyes closed was what I was really seeing. I think I just felt so in tune with everyone that I didn't have to have my eyes open to know their mannerisms.
I would ask someone a question and two words or so into their explanation I would just zone them out completely. I could hear and make out everything that everyone was saying, but it would just go in one ear and out the other. Their voices would just seem to kind of fade away and I would get lost in my own head. It was like I was in another room and I could still hear what everyone else was saying. The only way I could really describe it is to say that it felt like I was at the end of a tunnel. Q and I, like I said, are a very affectionate with each other. I leaned over and began to kiss her, just little kisses. I hate to sound cliché but it really did look like a scene from a movie. Just two super high girls making out. T had made a comment that this was probably going to go on for a while. Which it did. Until us both just started laughing because we realized what we had done. And how ridiculous it must have looked.
The strangest thing that happened to me throughout the night was when T seemed to read my thoughts. This happened two times that I remember, but I have a feeling it happened a little bit more. I was just sitting on the floor, smoking a cigarette and thinking. I wasn't thinking any crazy thoughts at all. I just thought about how warm it felt inside my house, how crazy the weather had been, how I was sweaty and felt clammy all over my body, how I kept catching myself just rubbing the palms of my hands on my jeans or on my carpet, or I would go to rub my eye and just end up rubbing my entire face for 5 minutes. And just anything else that came into my head. But I was just sitting there, thinking about everything that was going on around me.
I got more and more lost in my thoughts and I began to think about this one time when we were all kids (all the people I was with that night, with the exception of S, have been my best friends since I was 12 years old). It was not significant or in any way related to any conversation that was being had around me. Out of no where T said “Hey do remember that time when we were younger and blah blah blah” It blew me away, I was amazed. It happened a few more times through out the night, I was thinking of a song and like a minute later he said that we should listen to that song.
Everything about the entire night was weird. The weather had been so nice all week, it had almost reached the hundreds. But this night it was storming all night long, with thunder and lightening storms as well. Wind storms so powerful it was knocking down trees. A friend of mine showed up randomly at my house, drunk, and passed out in my hallway. I have a horrible horrible fear of spiders, at one point in the night there was a very large spider crawling on my wall, I saw it and just simply and calmly said “there is a spider on my wall” and then just closed my eyes and went back to wondering around inside my own mind. A took care of the spider, for he has seen how bad I freak out normally.
The only part of the night that I did not like was sitting in the chair with S. He had his arm around me and I was curled into a bit of a ball under his arm, right on his chest. I could feel my heart beat, it was racing and it made me a little nervous. Until I felt S's heart, which was beating so quickly and had absolutely no rhythm to it. I think now that I heard it a lot differently then it really was. It freaked me out a little and I didn't want to sit with him at all anymore. So I sat on the floor beside his chair. He continued to rub his hands on my head and play with my hair which I found to be incredibly comforting and warm.
None of us made it to bed until 10am the next morning. We broke up another pill and split it snorted it between the four of us around 6am. Which just kick started our high all over again. S had gone into my bathroom and I could hear things falling so I went to check on him and make sure everything was alright. The sun had already come up by this point. S has a degree in horticulture and he just stood by the window and he told me about the weeds that were in my rose bed, and the trees around my house. And we looked at the grass from a weird angle so we could see the little beads of water on each blade of grass. It was a truly beautiful experience.
Everyone left my house and I went to sleep. When I woke up around 10:30pm the next night I felt very depressed. I cried out of no where three times. I was mostly sad because the night was over. And I just found myself analyzing my life and everything that I am unhappy with. I couldn’t wait to do it all again. But I knew it was bad for me. Through the night I would just think to myself how high I was, and how this must be what heaven feels like, but I also kept telling myself the reason that this was happening to me was because my serotonin levels were all off track. I didn’t start to feel “normal” until I smoked some pot around 2:30am. Even the next day I felt very worn down and exhausted.
I would like to add that it is 3 days later and I still feel a little “foggy”. But note that I did it again 2 nights later, only 1/3 of an ecstasy pill, along with a buffet of other drugs (cocaine, zanax, pot, alcohol) and it was a COMPLETELY different experience. Not even on the same level, due to the mixture of drugs, it was not very pleasant. Right at the very beginning of this high Q drunkenly stumbled into T’s cigarette and burned her eye lid. It really freaked me out and was not exactly the best way to start off the high.
But my first experience with MDMA was by far the single most favorite thing I have ever done in my life. The next day my sadness was brought on because I felt like I had felt the feelings of heaven (I am not a spiritual person, but I do believe that everyone has their own heaven and hell). It was a bonding experience for me as well as the people that were around me. I felt such a great love and appreciation for my entire existence. Because of the after affects I would not do it on a regular basis, as I feel I need at least a day or two to fully recuperate. And the depression is very overwhelming.
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