Citation: Kaiserschmarren. "A Catalyst: An Experience with Salvia divinorum (5x extract) (exp54854)". Erowid.org. Feb 6, 2009. erowid.org/exp/54854
I've read quite a bit about Salvia Divinorum lately, and reaching a somewhat difficult nexus in my life, I've become very open to alternate methods of gaining insight. Salvia seemed like it would be a good way for me to sort things out and give myself a wider perspective. A couple of my friends and I were kicking around the idea of using it together one weekend, taking turns and sitting for each other. Last week I decided to take the bull by the horns and order some, and it arrived last night. Because experience gives incomparable insight, I decided to sample a small amount of it earlier this morning, before going on a full-fledged (accompanied) vision quest. So shortly after I awoke, I took a shower, packed a small bowl and lay down in preparation for my first hit. I didn't hold it in for too long, as I didn't have a sitter and wanted to keep my wits somewhat about me. This proved how little I knew about the herb.
Almost immediately afterward, I heard (more like felt) a dull humming course through my body, and all of a sudden I wasn't me, I was something ethereal and descriptionless. I felt like nothing more than a bundle of thoughts three feet above and a bit to the right of a hunk of flesh on bedcushions. A blissful feeling of freedom came for a moment, then it morphed into a series of questions and answers. Strangely, though it didn't seem so then, these questions and answers didn't really have any words or verbal framework attached to them, but instead they consisted of a series of responses to emotions. Almost like I was relearning what an emotion or feeling was, and the particulars of each one.
This lasted for an indeterminable amount of time, all I can remember is that it seemed much too short. Wanting to continue the experience, I went into the next room where I was keeping my leaves and packed a bowl about half the size of the first one (my coordination at that point was only slightly taxed). I breathed in very shallowly, again not wanting to dive in too deeply my first time around, and breathed out after a couple of seconds. At this point I lay down on the couch and, really not sure what to expect, just waited for whatever came next.
This was the strange part. During the entire second half of my experience, I never lost contact with my everyday consciousness, but my coordination was severely compromised and my thoughts and feelings seemed like they were being put through a calliope. My first thought, strangely and unexpectedly, was one of rage. I felt a boiling rage against everything I felt, and everything I was experiencing. This is unusual for me as I am normally a very calm and non-agressive person. But I had a strong feeling of being constricted and trapped, and I felt an excessive need to rebel. So I decided I was hungry and got up to make a sandwich, which I ate greedily and quickly, despite my lack of coordination. I lay back down on the couch afterwards and looked over the way I was feeling, and tried to figure out why. Somehow I realised at that moment that in my everyday life, I keep this web of suffocating thought processes in the front of my mind, and these have been keeping me from truly understanding what I'm feeling and why. It was as if the layers of my consciousness were being peeled away and I was being given the chance to examine them one by one.
I realised that the rage I was feeling stemmed from a severe phobia of losing control, over my body and my life, something I've come face to face with quite a bit over the last two years, and my lack of coordination and altered thought process were sending warning signals through me at an alarming rate, basically scaring the shit out of me. At this point I was able to calm myself down a bit, and continued taking mental inventory. More and more I started to realise how frightened I am of so many things. I felt like I was being brought to the threshold of overcoming my fear. I was staring it in the face, and for the first time I can remember I was being given a choice, not knowing previously that I even had this particular choice to make. After the effects died down, I rested a bit and pondered what I'd learned. I can certainly say that the effects of the plant were instructive, and although the physical effects affected me in an unexpected manner, they were equally beneficial in that they forced me to slow down and take a look at what was right in front of me. What I saw earlier today still weighs heavily on my mind, and I'll be sure to implement the lessons I've learned from it.
As this was (from what I understand) a lower-level Salvia experience, I truly look forward to my next, deeper trip back inside. And I'll be sure to submit a full report.
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