Citation: delivered. "Heaven and Hell in One Blast: An Experience with Methamphetamine (exp55270)". Erowid.org. Aug 9, 2018. erowid.org/exp/55270
My first experience with meth came after my mom was trying to come off heroin and asked my husband to get her some speed. Husband was an ex junkie at the time and still knew friends though he had been clean for seven years. I had never used 'hard' drugs. Smoking pot was the most I had ever done and I was 26 at the time.
Ok~so mom snorts meth on my counter and I think it looks kinda fun. Brian (my husband) warns me that it is no game but I proceed to stir a TINY bit in my coffee and drink. About thirty minutes later I started cleaning out my entire garage. I completely redecorated my 2800 sq. ft house in one evening. Next couple days I was tired and really could have cared less about wanting more.
Around the same time my brother introduced me to ecstacy. I fell completely in love with E. I talked Brian into using it also and that began a binge for months. About five months later we snorted meth again. I had a feeling I was in trouble this time. I told Brian there would be no more drug use so we decided to use one last time and I told him to pick how we would use it. He chose to I.V. it.
July 2, 2004
Dosage 20 units
First time I did it I felt nothing. Brian missed my vein and all I felt was extreme burning. He was in ecstacy and I was left wondering why I even attempted this.
July 3, 2004 morning
Dosage 30 units
Brian finds a vein in my wrist and I feel a tiny bit of tingling when he finally manages to get it in. I am not impressed. Feel like I snorted a line. Whoopee.
July 3, 2004 night
Dosage 35 units
After missing yet another vein I become very angry. He's having a great old time and I am miserable. Brian looks at me and says, 'Now I'm gonna rock your world.' Hits a very good vein and I feel like a Mac truck has hit me. I almost cough out my lungs and then feel the most intense feelings I have ever felt in my life. First off I had an orgasm. I mean a real one. I kept saying 'oh my God' over and over. I had never experienced the euphoria I experienced that night in my life and I never will again. I could no longer live without meth. I shot up two more times that night and ended up hallucinating and overdosing.
This is a second marriage for both of us. I had four children from a previous marriage and he had two. We have a son together. At this point my addiction had me by the throat. Every weekend became tweaker city. We used more and more up to two grams a day each. I became completely delusional constantly to the point I believed homeless teanagers had broke into our house and were living under our house in the crawl space. Brian wanted sex constantly and when I was too busy checking for the 'people in our home' he left and cheated on me. You can imagine what our children were going through. I made them check dresser drawers and Brians pants pockets. They were on the lookout for the invisible people. They had no idea we were on drugs and were terrified people were coming to kill us. In December 2004 Brian tried to kill me. He went into complete psycosis and I almost lost my life. In December Brian entered rehab. I followed after giving custody to my kids to my ex and family members. We came back together in February 2005 and stayed clean five days. By March our kids were removed from our custody and we had been arrested six times between the two of us. On March 4, 2005 I got on the top of my roof of my two story house attempting to evade the SWAT team and DEA for over two hours. I believed the SWAT team was working for my husband and was trying to kill me. Entering a long term rehab after that I managed to stay clean 70 days. Then Brian broke into my rehab and we got high, resulting in me getting kicked out and two of our kids were given to family as permanant placements. We got clean in June 2005 and were determined to make it right. I got pregnant in September 2005 and we were elated. We got a new house, jobs and four of our kids back in our custody. In January 2006 Brian and I got in a fight and he left for three days. When he came home he was high and I broke my seven month sobriety while five months pregnant.
There is no lower point in my life then shooting up while five months pregnant. I could feel him kicking the whole time. Somebody should have shot me right there. I did not use again the entire pregnancy. My husband failed a hair test and we were back to square one. So here I am two years later from when I first shot up almost exactly. Two weeks ago I used. Brians been clean seven months now. Last experience was awful. No joy. No rush even. Intense migraine headache and guilt. Haven't used since. Who knows how long it may last. Meth changed my life. I experienced true Heaven for the first three months. It was like nothing I had expereinced before. I will always long for that feeling until the day I die. I experienced true Hell the rest of the time. I lost my children, my home, my family's love and trust, our bank account, my dignity, my relationship with God, almost my marriage and my skin. I forgot to mention how badly I picked. SCARS EVERYWHERE. Luckily my face was somehow spared. I can no longer just go get a job as I'm now a felon. My two children are still absent from my home. My life was destroyed at my own hands. Be warned. Meth (especially intravenous use) is not recreational. It calls to me daily. I live my life in fear that I will succomb to its power again. If you must try it I recommend never, ever IVing. It is a straight trip to Hell. I know I'm still living it today.
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