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The Disassembling Of Reality
by Deep thoughts
Citation:   Deep thoughts. "The Disassembling Of Reality: An Experience with Cannabis (exp55790)". Dec 8, 2017.

.5 joints/cigs smoked Cannabis (plant material)


It was a cold winter day in late December 2005. I was over at my friend’s house, let’s just call him T for privacy reasons. T and I were bored out of our fucking heads and we needed something to do. So I called up my other friend who lived near by and asked him to drive over two of the blunts that we had purchased about a week earlier. The weed was a pretty high price, and was guaranteed by the dealer to be one of the strongest strains of hydro-ponically grown bud in the entire area,…

Before we start the real story, I’ll tell you a little about my background. I was 15 at the time, had absolutely NO experience with any psychedelic weak or strong, had no considerable experience with any other drugs besides vicodin, and have a history of depression and anxiety on both sides of my family...Now back to the story.

So anyways, my friend arrived at the house shortly and brought all the dope with him. (I had only smoked pot 3 times before this and I had only been really completely stoned once out of those first 3 times.) I proceeded to smoke an entire 4 inch long, 1 inch thick blunt in less than five minutes. I’m talking double hits, triple hits, holding it in, shotgun… just about everything a person can do to intensify and speed up the process of getting stoned… I did it. After we all finished smoking, I went into the house with my two buddies and sat down on his couch just waiting for it to hit me. What happens next is something to this very fucking day, almost a year later that I cannot clear my head of. All of the sudden my happiness turns into a very vague sense of fear and panic. Why? I don’t know. I feel my control over my thoughts and perception is leaving me with every passing minute. Soon, that vague sense of fear is now an overwhelming tyrant of fear, sweeping over me like fire. Everything looks different to me, but yet I am in the same surroundings. My two friends are laughing and having great fucking fun, but I am about to scream. I am in the middle of a full blown panic attack and then the feeling that still haunts me to this day, finally hit me. My anxiety and panic about 30 minutes in turned into speechlessness depression and overwhelming dysphoria and strange thoughts. I didn’t know what the point of life was, what the world was, what reality was, or what I was. My inner dialogue was SCREAMING to the point of me wanting to rip my hair out. This strange and depressing yet extremely frightening feeling kept coming in waves and then finally reached a stagnate level where it just stayed.

The questions I was asking myself were so strange that I can’t even put it into words. One of the primary bases for my fear and strange feeling is the question of our own reality. “What is reality?” what is time? What is emotion? What is feeling? And what is love and hate and caring? What is this weird subjective environment around us that we call “real.”? After I came down from my experience I studied it carefully, not knowing what in the name of fucking hell went wrong. Now if my “bad trip” had ended there, I would have been fine and went on partying and doing my own thing, but it didn’t end, it is still here. For nine months, NINE whole months, I have been numb, scared, depressed and above all overwhelmed and confused. I fear a loss of control everyday of my life. I fear that I am going insane and will lose contact with reality forever. Even as I am writing this I feel numb, hazy and freaked out. I’ve looked this condition up many times online, and what I have come up with is discouraging and frightening. I have come to the conclusion that I have chronic derealization, a condition that stems from panic attacks, depression and anxiety. The definition of derealization is: derealization) : the experience of feelings of loss of a sense of reality. A sufferer feels that he or she has changed and the world has somehow become less real -- it is vague, dreamlike, or lacking in significance. I have not found any cure that helps and my derealization remains at a constant level that never quits. I have a new found respect for “just marijuana” and will have that respect until the day I die.

Exp Year: 2005ExpID: 55790
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: Not Given 
Published: Dec 8, 2017Views: 846
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Cannabis (1) : Difficult Experiences (5), Bad Trips (6), Small Group (2-9) (17)

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