Citation: K. "Not the Glowing Wonder Drug I Expected: An Experience with MDMA (Ecstasy) (exp56029)". Erowid.org. Jul 22, 2008. erowid.org/exp/56029
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I tried MDMA for the first time. I have experience with ethanol, tobacco, cannabis, several different psychedelic tryptamines and phenylethylamines, and a smattering of other substances, OTC medications, botanical extracts, that sort of thing. I am adventurous by temperament, and I prefer to really seriously trip and explore radically altered states of mind, rather than just goof off and have fun. So I was a little bit dismissive of those E-heads who gush about how MDMA feels 'so good!' without any deeper insights.
The MDMA came as a white powder in accurately-weighed gel-capped doses. I don't have any chemical analysis on this lot, but a more experienced user tried the same lot and said that it felt like it contained real MDMA with not too much adulterant. I did this experiment on myself alone, because I didn't want to be distracted by any social situations, in particular, didn't want to make a fool of myself on a drug that I wasn't familiar with.
I ingested one 100mg gel-cap ingested with water on an empty stomach. I felt a familiar psychedelic shiver and tingle after 30 minutes. At 1 hour, I felt tachychardia and mild speediness, like after a few espressos. I noticed that the texture of my clothing felt nice, and it was very satisfying to relief myself at the toilet, but otherwise there wasn't anything remarkable going on. So then I took the other gell-cap (another 100 mg). Within an hour, this shot me up to a much more psychedelic state of mind. I noticed visual tracers, color enhancement, and characteristic 'trippo-vision' with distorted, breathing shapes and shifting perspectives. I also noticed that I was suffering mental tics about what I should be doing or (not) thinking about - somewhat like mild OCD, I suppose. These thoughts were intrusive and distracting.
I read some, laid in bed (couldn't sleep because of the jaw-clenching), surfed the web, and basically tried to wait out the trip. I was thinking negative, self-recriminating thoughts, and although I was able to stay detached and tell myself that it was just the drug, I still felt like crying at some moments. Out of sheer curiosity (all right, out of boredom as well) I attempted to masturbate and found that I was completely unable to achieve an erection. It felt good, but there was absolutely no way that I could manage an orgasm, with or without erection. I remain baffled by those who claim that MDMA is good for sex.
I stayed up for *12 hours* thinking bad thoughts and doing nothing. Eventually I saw the sun rise and went to work the next day. My jaw muscles hurt horribly, but remarkably I was not tired. Emotionally, I felt pretty shitty for having wasted the entire night without anything interesting going on. Maybe it was because I was alone. Perhaps there's a good reason why people take MDMA in crowds, but other psychedelic drugs have proven to be useful even in solitude.
The conclusion that I draw from this experience is that MDMA does not guarantee a positive, uplifting experience for everyone. Like most any drugs, it just switches me into a different psychic regime, whether I move into a positive or negative mood thereafter remains to be controlled by set and setting. It is possible to waste time on neuroticism and speedy insomnia while on MDMA, just as it is possible for people to have beautiful entactogenic sessions or even nightmarish bad trips. The drug is the vehicle, not the destination.
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