Citation: Someone Like Myself. "A Lifetime Of Realization, Still More To Go: An Experience with LSD (exp56180)". Erowid.org. Oct 20, 2006. erowid.org/exp/56180
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I don’t know if I would classify this as a difficult experience, a glowing experience, a retrospective experience, mystical, or bad, as it was a little bit of everything (least of all bad, but at times definitely difficult). Luckily I can classify this as a first time. While I have had tried psilocybin a couple of times (once quite severe/intense, which I’ll piece together one day soon), salvia numerous times with exquisite results (also to be revisited here), this was my first time trying LSD.
Prior to becoming acquainted with LSD, I thought I understood my self, had a pretty good grasp on reality, as well as other potential existences. I found out soon that I may have been on the right track in regards to all of the above, but I still had a lot more work to do to get to where I wanted to be, which, when it was over (or approaching the end), was very sobering, yet very uplifting. Even now, while writing this 5 months later, I am gaining new insight, as I have, unfortunately, avoided thinking about it too deeply.
It all started when my girlfriend, who had dosed before I really knew her (to little effect - she has strange tolerance for the other side of normality) and I were discussing the possibility of tripping (LSD or psilocybin) together. Well, one day she told me that a girl she had a class with was going out of town over Spring Break and would be coming back with enough for us to have a couple of experiences. So, she bought 6 ‘drops’. They were all different sizes, and she said it was mop-up. Assuming it was what I understand mop-up to be, there’s no telling what the dosage of each drop was, which could explain different reactions to it.
So, she bought the stuff, probably in March, but we were waiting for a good time to try it. After a couple of weeks, she sold one tab to her brother. Presumably they were guessed to be about 3 doses apiece, so he was going to split it with one of his friends for just a light trip (both being somewhat versed in their usage). Well, both of them indicated that it did little more than give them a little discomfort. This kinda had us bummed about it. She asked her friend, but her friend guaranteed us that it was good as others had serious trips taking one, so possibly they didn’t reach the needed threshold. Perhaps they weren’t as strong as was suggested, but we decided to give it a try when the time was right.
In April my parents were going to Costa Rica (poor college students still live at home) for two weeks, so we decided on Wednesday night. Monday night we had some of her cousins over and a good time was had by all experimenting with Salvia. I was the only one who accustomed to it, as they had never done it. Its amazing seeing what Sally does to experienced drug users. That night I didn’t feel like doing any. The next night a couple of my friends came over and we all took a hit. I think my girlfriend took two. I had a pleasantly enlightening experience (as usual) that night with my 20x Salvia out of a gravity bong, so I felt ready to take what I thought would be a longer, but less intense trip the next night. Well, the longer part was absolutely correct. And, yes, less intense, but the duration seemed to make it a much more intense experience overall!
So, a friend of mine and his girlfriend came over. They split a homemade chocolate mushroom before coming over, and we dropped about 15 minutes before they arrived. They got to my house a little after 7:00 at night, which is when I will start the timer. I live across the street from my old high school, so after a while we decide to go for a walk around its large campus. It was all going well, my friends had a slight shroom trip, but nothing too serious. My girlfriend and I were feeling some slight effects, but not what we expected after an hour. This was fortunate however, as there was a cop sitting in the parking lot on the other side a chain link fence. We were all starting to get a little giddy, and I was the only one that noticed ‘it’, so I casually (I think) told everyone to keep walking as such, but there was a cop over there. So we kept with our course and gradually headed back towards my house, across the track, and big grass field.
So we made it home alright. At this point it was probably about 8:30. We then go back upstairs to my bedroom and chill for a bit. At that point I thought my trip may be starting to come up some, but my girlfriend didn’t think hers was, which partially convinced me of the same. But, at the same time, it had been two hours without any serious effects, so I’m sure you can guess what happened next. Yep, we each took another hit. I did so a little reluctantly, but for some reason thought I was obligated to, most likely thanks to the drug. So, after this, we go downstairs to get some freezie pops (which has been a staple in my friend’s house ever since we ate so many that night).
We are having a good time. I feel like I’ve been drinking a lot and smoking weed. I probably ate about 6 or 7 freezie pops, they were just so good! We go in the living room and hang out and take some pictures. May not have been a good idea, as there are a lot of breakable, irreplaceable items in there, but everything turned out ok. It was very surreal being in there, red walls, figurines, mirrors, etc. After a bit of this I start feeling a bit strange, almost as if during the past 20 or 30 minutes I didn’t notice my changing state due to having a good time. So we go back upstairs to my room, and everyone (except me) decides its time to get something to eat. At this point I am starting to lose touch with what was going on, but with enough concentration I was able to pull all of the facts together. So I go and call Papa John’s for delivery.
This was very interesting, to say the least. Luckily my family calls frequently enough that they usually know what we order, but the person kept putting me on hold and it confused me greatly. I remember there being confusion, but since I didn’t know what was going on at the time, I surely don’t remember now.
So I got the pizza ordered and we moved into the den and decided to put in a movie. The best thing I could find at the time that I thought would fit my state was Grumpier Old Men. I put that on and we all sit down to watch it, waiting for the pizza.
At this point things start going a little fuzzy. I remember sitting down to watch the movie, and looking up periodically at my girlfriend and friends, but remember virtually nothing of the movie. (Actually, a couple of days later I tried finding where I left off watching the movie, only to find that it wasn’t even in the same order that I remembered watching it years ago.)
It seemed like a couple of hours had passed, and the pizza hadn’t gotten there yet (and turns out the movie hadn’t been on for very long), and I decide its best for me to go up to my bed room. I left the cash downstairs and asked my friends to get the door when the pizza arrived. Perhaps feeling the obligation to be a good host stressed me out a bit, adding to my tension, I don’t know.
I vaguely remember hearing the door knock and asking them to answer it. They did so and I lay back down. I think my girlfriend had come upstairs with me, but she went down to eat, suggesting that I do the same, but that was out of the question at that point. After a while everyone came up to my room. My girlfriend was peaking (albeit not like I was) and my friends were starting to come down from their 1 gram of mushrooms apiece.
I remember trying to sit up on my bed and pay attention to what was going on, but I just kept falling out of awareness. It wasn’t a spiraling out like I experienced on mushrooms, but just a crash downward. After a while I think all I could verbalize were pleading or desperate sounding uhhhhs and ohhhhs. Now, my girlfriend had taken as much as me, but she was coherent all through her experience. Perhaps my drops were more saturated, as could be the nature of the supposed mop up, or I was just more susceptible to it than she was.
At this point my friends realized what was best for me was just to ride this out with my girlfriend and not have anymore distractions. I think they let themselves out and this is when there are serious gaps in my memory, or, perhaps, only brief moments which last eternities in my head. At one point R (my girlfriend) began asking me my sister’s phone number. I don’t remember anything leading up to it (I think I was still moaning as I was earlier), but I remember thinking about my sister and it made me feel really good. I began muttering numbers, and finally spit out seven numbers consecutively when seemed familiar (looking back now, good thing it wasn’t my grandmother’s).
When R told me my sister was coming over, I was overjoyed. I remember sitting there for hours waiting for her to come over, which couldn’t have been more than 15 or 20 minutes. At this point I was in better spirits. I was enjoying it. I was a child sitting on my bed rocking in anticipation of meeting my baby sister on her first time to come home from the hospital, but I was actually waiting for my older sister to come see her little brother (and I have no other siblings). I remember seeing her walk in my room and it was pure euphoria. I don’t think I said anything, or even did much more than look at her, but I had the biggest smile on my face (I think). I felt like I had a grin on my face which any other smile would pale in comparison to.
I was sitting on my bed rocking my self, and I remember their words exactly, except the details I have forgotten over 5 months, but I remember perfectly them talking about me. “He’s been like this for a while and I didn’t know what to do.” “He’ll be ok, he looks like he’s really enjoying himself.” It was like hearing a foreign language and being so used to hearing it, but not understanding the meaning. I think my sister suggested I try to eat something but I wouldn’t. After this it becomes a little fuzzy. I know my sister left and told me bye. It seems like another couple of hours before R tried to get me to eat, but I don’t think it was that long, as there was still a lot that happened before the next morning.
Her trying to get me to eat is quite amusing, at least now. I know I was sitting up, and then there was a chewing bland tasting lump in my mouth with a strikingly flavorful covering around it. It was a bread stick with sauce on it which I later deduced without realizing it. I chewed it up, but then was totally incapable of deciding what to do next. I remember uttering “What is this”, “What do I do”, “How do I” and started to let it roll out of my mouth, to which R rushed over with my small garbage can and let me dispose of it.
Now, from this point, until beginning to come down, I remember a few events, but not the proper sequence, so I will type them as they come to me. We are probably approaching 1 or 2 o’clock.
A few times R was reading her book, and I was looking over her shoulder in absolute amazement. I was thinking, without the actual thought process “Wow, what is she doing, what is that” and a myriad of other inexplicable thoughts.
Another, very humorous event took place in the bathroom. I realized I needed to go to the bathroom. This wasn’t too difficult, perhaps because I had to deal with that dilemma at a friends apartment after eating some/a bad/too many mushrooms. So I go in there, do my business, make sure to take all the proper procedures of civilized society. Then I call R, and start prancing out of the bathroom in my boxers. I remember it as if I was a star from Mario Bros. bouncing around with my arms and legs stretched wide apart. Based on what R said next I may not have even had on my boxers yet. She kept asking me “Did you wipe, Did you wipe?” I couldn’t answer her, I didn’t want to answer her. At that point I was in control of her. I had her trying to make sure I wouldn’t soil the bed, and I loved it. I was just springing around, it felt like for 30 minutes. I think I eventually told her yes, but I don’t think she believed me at first. I guess I satisfied her curiosity eventually, or she got me to put on my boxers so it wouldn’t matter so much. Either way, I knew I did what I was supposed to do, and it thrilled me immensely.
A few times R would go downstairs and I would panic a little bit. One time she went downstairs and I went halfway down to the landing calling for her as if I was lost. Then, standing there in my own house, in my own staircase, I asked her with all seriousness, “Where am I?” I knew who she was, and I knew who “we” were (a couple), but I didn’t know where I was, or who I was. I just knew that she was supposed to be there with whoever and wherever I was, and it made me feel better to be with her.
Now, for difficult part for me to comprehend. I don’t know if this would qualify this trip to be a ‘Level 5’, but from my reading, it seems to fit the description. Between the moments of childish, egoless jubilation, I was in a totally different state. I’ve described it to friends as my be being a parking lot and just loafing around in it, but that hardly describes the state in which I was in, but the parking lot explanation fits to some degree, as I’ll explain soon. Laying there in my bed, a double bed, with my girlfriend in it with me seemed boundless, vast, like a parking lot for a massive venue that stretched beyond the visible curvature of the earth. I am sure at some points during this my eyes were open, and maybe the lights were even on, but I saw nothing. My room was not warped, my bed was not consuming me, my walls were not running, nor was my ceiling crumbling. None of it was there, I was not there, R was not there. All I remember, for all the time between brief touches with reality, was a nondescript form twisting and rolling around in an endless stretch of some sort of existence outside of this one. I felt like I was reaching out for miles as I lumbered around in my own piece of my own existence, but I only had about a 3’x6’ area to lie on. Then the feeling of my comforter on my bed was just as indescribable. All the folds and contours in it felt like they went on forever.
As for the parking lot, as I would come to and leave my room a couple of times, my bed would take on the form of a parking lot, but it was still its own separate reality. When I would get off my bed and look at my floor, I could see the yellow dashes dividing the lanes in the street, as if my hall was the road from one reality to another. As I would walk down my hall it would be a street, and as I looked in my bathroom, it became my bathroom, and then my hall became my hall again for the duration of that excursion away from my bed.
Eventually the intenseness of all of this faded and I was able to go to sleep. I still had the feeling of being somewhere else, but it was somewhat restful, almost pleasant.
At about 7 or 8, R had to get up and go to work. At this point I was mostly aware of what was going on. I would be fully aware, but would quickly get lost in confusion. I usually went to work with her when I was free since she works with animals (deer, owls, hawks, turtles, etc.), but I was in no condition to go at this point. She wearily got ready.
Apparently I kept her from sleeping most of the night with my rolling around and constantly holding her and trying to stay in contact with her. All I remember of that was seeing her trying to sleep, but not being able to resist getting her attention, and feeling bad because she just looked so weary and pitiful, but I just didn’t have a choice at the time, I had to hold her and touch her.
I was able to walk her out to her car, and then I went back in and went to sleep for a few more hours. I woke up and thought about how miserable she must be at work, so I got in the shower and got ready to leave. I brought the rest of the pizza with me and headed to see her. Luckily there wasn’t much traffic as I was still missing a few cards from my deck. Actually, the only time I got concerned was when there were no cars around to keep my attention, or sitting still at a light.
When I got there, someone was at the gate where she works and I didn’t want to deal with talking to anyone, so I drove down to Circle K to get a drink. Of course I had to deal with people there. I still wonder what the cashier thought was wrong with me because I know I seemed a bit strung out.
So I got to R’s work at about 10 or 11. At this point I’m still coming and going. There are people working building boardwalks, but I was in no mood to talk to anyone. The sun was bright and it was hot and everything was extremely enhanced. I go inside talk with R for a bit. I go and sit down and put my head down and it is now spiraling when I shut my eyes. The most disconcerting part of this was that I was thinking perfectly clear, but at the same time my thoughts were all over the place and my body had a sort of amphetamine kind of surge (or withdrawal) running through it, perhaps from exhaustion. This persisted for a few more hours, maybe until about 3:00. At this point I decided to help R cut up fish and beef heart for the various birds. This really had a strange effect on me.
It was at this point I realize that I didn’t understand myself, this reality, and others as well as I thought I had, and I started to cry some because of the profound epiphany I was granted. I was always sure of my own mental capacity and knew without a doubt that it couldn’t be shaken. But it was shaken, and I was so happy to realize that there was so much more. I had been content, happy with my understanding of the vastness of everything, and to learn that there was so much more was like, (at the risk of using such a jaded expression), being born again.
Over the next couple of hours I became accustomed to this new insight. Everything outside was still so beautiful. Even the smell of the fish was invigorating. At a certain point I was able to eat, and that was just excellent because I was starved.
We got back to R’s house around 5:30. We were both physically and mentally exhausted. I was still having a little craziness running through my head when I shut my eyes in the form of slight visuals and unexplainable thought waves just surging ‘round and ‘round. At about 6:00 we each took some Seroquel. I think I took 200 mg. It wasn’t long after that I was fast asleep. We slept for about 7 hours and then headed back to my house for the rest of the evening. The next day everything was so vivid, visually and mentally.
After this experience, I am interested in the powers of this drug, as well as experimenting more with mushrooms. I am living in Japan right now so I haven’t done anything for a while.
A few times when things got difficult, I would see a picture that I saw the night I got sick while tripping very hard after eating mushrooms. That night I saw an old picture of my dad as clear as if it was hanging on the wall. Ever since that night I’ve seen that picture every time I’ve tripped, especially when I was having a difficult time, and it always had a calming, soothing effect. I hope to share this with him one day.
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