Citation: believingisart. "To Remind Those Who Have Been Here: An Experience with LSD (exp56785)". Erowid.org. Sep 3, 2017. erowid.org/exp/56785
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Before this incident I had never done LSD before but was by no means unexperienced with hallucinogens or just about everything short of highly addictive drugs(heroin, meth, crack). I spent my last two years in highschool stoned and taking anything I could get my hands on (now a sophomore in college). Near the end of senior year I quit drugs all together for a while. Even stopped drinking coffee. I would do this on and off for a couple months going back and forth from sober and being high on something from when I woke up until bed. Each time going back to drugs I would just get worse and worse, (most regular substances- always had marijuana, addicted to diphenhydramine and would take pseudoephedrine and drink coffee to stay awake, and drank 5 days a week or so, smoked salvia almost daily for a while) just destroying my brain (my vision had been screwed up for a while now (hppd) and whatever other damage was done). I must mention I suffered from severe depression for many years and drugs were my escape. I knew I had a bad problem and kept trying to stop but … well, you know how it works.
Anyway, I got out of college freshmen year and was high for about a month and a half before a friend got some acid and wanted to trip. I always wanted to try it so I was excited and I’m pretty sure we took it the night he got it. I put one tab in my mouth at around 8 and the next at about 9:30 maybe. My friend took them both at about 9. Before I took the second, I was tripping about as hard as I ever had, not expecting what was going to come. Little did I know it was some ridiculously strong acid. As the second one hit me, I started to tweak out, and couldn’t sit still. I was coming up too fast and I was with drunk people so I went outside with my friend. It was then that it all hit me. It must have been about 10:30 now. I was experiencing a level of existence I never thought possible. For measure, anything I felt remotely close to this was when I took about 4 grams of mushrooms, smoked a gram of “sour diesel”(strong weed) and took a couple hits of 20x salvia. I usually worry about focusing on something negative around this time and getting depressed which has happened a couple times on mushrooms before. That wasn’t the case seeing as though I wasn’t capable of creating a thought that made sense to me. I would look up at the stars and be right next to them looking down at the earth from outer space. Cars in the driveway were floating around and would move as I pushed them… I’d like to see what that looked like to a sober person. I loved it to say the least. My friend was running around with me having a similar experience.
For those who know hallucinogens, this was just the chaotic onset. When I peaked my ability to think came back to me and all I could think was WHAT THE FUCK DID I GET MYSELF INTO? Why would I pay to feel like this? The irony of it all is that I had spent the last couple years trying to numb my thoughts. Trying to render myself unable to think about the problems in my life. Hiding from them. Now is the part of tripping my friends and I like to call “living hardcore” but of course this time it was much more intense than ever before. The physical me sat crouched in between two cars looking as depressed and confused as one could possibly look. Mentally… the metaphysical me, the metaphysical human mind, all of life, all possibilities. I was remembering that I am everything, I am “god”, I make everything happen, and I am every single person. time is no more. My body is no more. What senses one choses to feel no longer limits one. One is no longer on earth. One are no longer ones self. One is no longer anything. And then One make the most terrifying realization. More terrifying than death. One are completely alone. Entirely the only thing that’s real. Alone Hahaha, it’s maddening.
And as I write this I bring myself back to this oh so uncomfortable place and fight the urge to realize the futility in trying to use the limited median of language to express something I already know, to myself.
Oh I’d been in this state before this day a couple times before, and I blocked it completely out of my mind. This time I was going to accept it though. I knew what I had to do… something. Anything at all. It was like I had just been born again and everything was entirely new to me as I slowly rebuilt reality as I knew it. The next 12 or so hours I did everything I used to do as a kid and spent the entire time outside rediscovering all the joy from doing things I thought I was no longer interested in. And over the next month I slowly grounded myself to where I felt like I’d fully adjusted to my new mindset. And here I am. Though I can’t say entirely how, I have been living life as a completely different person. Previously afraid of being alone and separated… lonely and depressed. Now accepting the fact that if I love others and everything else, I’m loving myself. Be kind to ones self and feel the goodness in everything. Happiness is subjective and it’s difficult to remember that. I did go back to drugs but only for three days, and immediately felt them pull me back to my depressed state of mind. It’s been about three months since I last abused drugs, and four since this experience, and I’m more together and happier than I’ve been in for as long as I can remember.
And for the record, if you met me, I wouldn’t seem crazy.
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