Citation: Pro- E. "For Those With Seizure Disorders: An Experience with MDMA (Ecstasy) (exp57101)". Erowid.org. Dec 31, 2006. erowid.org/exp/57101
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When I was in my mid-teens, I was shot at close range with a bb gun. I'd felt no pain, and everyone present, including myself, assumed the pellet ricocheted off my temple. The wound healed with time, and the experience was forgotten. About a year later, a trip to the dentist and an xray revealed that the pellet had penetrated the flesh, and was sitting past my temple and above my left ear, between my skin and skull.
It was sometime after that I had my first seizure. It was the subsequent seizures that brought me to neurologists, at which point they found scar tissue on my brain at the point of impact. I am currently taking Carbamazepine for the seizure disorder, at what is apparently the lowest doctor-recommended dosage. I have a very mild seizure disorder, and do forget to take the meds, with no negative results.
Please keep in mind that my situation could be unique, and I could simply be very lucky. I stress this because the meds purpose are to reduce sensory imput, and MDMA does the exact opposite, which could result in a seizure. I would never tell anyone they should definitely try E, even if they had perfect health. However, I believe 100% in the use of this drug, and would support and take care of anyone who decided on their own that they wanted to experience it.
My first experience: My boyfriend said he had something for us, and showed me two pills, one white and one orange. He said he wanted to take it with the person he loved, because he heard it was different than what he knew it to be like at a rave. Unlike me, he had plenty of experience with a variety of drugs, and my curiosity led me to say yes. I researched like crazy and finally felt comfortable with my knowledge and his experience, so we chose a warm summer night alone in our home where we wouldn't be disturbed.
We had water ready and went over what I should expect. He broke each pill in half, so we each had a half of the white one, and the orange one, and took them both at the same time. So technically, we had one pill each. I was nervous, and momentarily thought about putting my fingers down my throat to get it out of me.
While waiting for the effects to kick in, we watched a dvd and I cuddled up next to him in nervous anticipation. The first change I noticed was visual, can't even explain it, but it was mild, and at that point, he said he was going to get a T-shirt because he was starting to get warm, and, keeping my eyes on the tv screen, I asked him not to leave me. He then knew I was rushing. So he stayed until the rushing ended, which only took a few minutes, at which point the only difference I noticed was a feeling of relaxation, unlike any other.
When he came back after changing, he sat behind me on the couch, with me leaning back against him. I noticed how hot he was, sweating actually, whereas I was not. I asked him why I wasn't like that, and he said it affects people differently. We went to the bathroom, and were standing in front of the mirror. I finally saw some evidence, besides the rushing, that the E was affecting me as well. My pupils were well dilated. He looked at us standing before the mirror, and said, 'Look at that beautiful couple.' I looked at us too, I thought we looked absolutely perfect for each other.
He then let out an explosive breath, and fell back against the wall. I worry about everything. However, I turned calmly to him and casually asked if he was okay with a smile on my face. He said he was great. I mention this in particular because for someone who worries about things that haven't gone wrong yet, I was strangely calm about seeing my bf not being able to stand while on a drug I was unfamiliar with.
After that we went into the living room and put on some tracks to listen to. He was compelled to dance, but the only thing I felt was that sense of calm. At one point, we were sitting on the couch and I was in my bare feet. He and I both had our feet up on the coffee table and all of a sudden, I felt a sensation on the bottom of my foot that made my eyes pop and I turned my head to see what it was. He had leaned toward me and accidently brushed his foot against mine. The only way I can describe it is to say it felt softer than silk. That's when I discovered that it felt great to be on my feet.
The textures of the carpet, the floor in the kitchen, the wood on the patio deck. I also thoroughly enjoyed the feel of the rim of the water bottle against my mouth, so much that I said I was going to drink some water, and later he asked if I was planning on drinking it after all. That was when I realized I'd been sitting there the whole time simply gliding the rim back and forth on my lips.
We went outside in the warm air, with the waves from the lake gently moving below us under the dock, talking about how we were meant for each other and how wonderful our life was going to be. The only thing that surprised me after we finally went inside was how quickly the time had passed. It was hours later than I thought. We both smoked quite a few bowls to come down after it was over, and tried to sleep. That was the frustrating part for me. I was simply not tired, and he was able to sleep so I didn't want to disturb him. The next day, I was feeling pretty good, and really appreciated being able to sleep that night. From start to finish, it was a pleasant experience, but I knew I had missed something, especially during the time when I should have been rolling. I decided to try it again.
Second experience, 6 mths later: Dropped first cap at 11pm. Spent an hour in a line up for a rave out in the cold and snow. I finally got inside, and when the warmth touched me, I rushed for what seemed like just a few seconds, barely noticable. Boyfriend, same guy in each experience, brought me through all the rooms, so we would know the layout. We located the bathrooms, where to get water, and designated a meeting place where we would all check in periodically to make sure everyone was doing okay. He had told me we would probably go off on our own, and meet new people.
Being my first rave, and my first E experience with more than just one other person, I didn't think I would want to go anywhere by myself. However, it took about half an hour and I turned to him and said I felt like wandering around. He smiled and said he would see me later. I found a room that I felt comfortable in, and looked around.
He had told me beforehand that if I looked uncomfortable, people would probably come over and ask me if I was okay. As I looked around the room, and felt that familiar calmness from my first experience, I noticed a girl sitting on the floor who did not look alright. She looked afraid and was sitting alone, and I immediately went to her and asked her how she was doing. She smiled and said she was okay, but I knew the difference.
She said soon after she had dropped half a cap, and did not feel good at all. I asked if she needed water, or anything, but she said she was okay for now. Still, I sat down beside her, and told her to let me know if there was anything she needed. And except for a couple of times when I got up to get water or quickly check out the other rooms, I stayed by her side for the entire night, a girl I had just met.
An hour after my first cap, I had another. After 10-15 mins, I discovered what it's really like to roll on E. This was what I had been waiting for. Every sense I had turned way up, I started sweating, vision and sounds were amazing. Everything was so vivid and beautiful. I was giving and receiving a couple of massages here and there, and at one point my guy was sitting with me, and sprinkled some water on my face followed by a nasal inhaler. I'd never felt such a pleasing chill.
The boyfriend of the girl I mentioned was sitting with us too. He was coming and going, feeling the urge to dance but staying with us much of the time out of concern for his gf. Occasionally, I'd tell him to go enjoy himself for a little while because the one thing I didn't feel the urge to do was dance, so I would stay and make sure she was okay for him.
At one point I did get up and dance with my guy, and where we were dancing, there was a glittery flat cutout of fish swimming in an ocean above our heads. It caught my eye, and all of a sudden it held an unreal quality that stole my undivided attention. I think I forgot I was on the dance floor. I suddenly heard him ask me, 'Whatcha lookin' at?!' I have no idea how long I was just standing in the middle of the floor staring up at this thing.
I dropped another cap about 2 hours after the second one, wanting to experience what I had felt when looking at the cutout. When I started rolling again, it was great but not quite as good as the last one. The girl's bf had a glowstick attached to a round one and was spinning them in cirlcles. It was the most amazing, beautiful thing I had ever seen. We watched him spin the toy for a long time. I was watching every light and glowstick I could see, including one guy dancing with two in his hands.
He noticed me staring, and came over right in front of me, and danced, moving the glowsticks in the air, around himself, and around me, since he could tell I was enjoying the light show. It was awesome. It was around 4am, and my bf was really tired, so we left. I was no longer 'messed up', just felt calm again, the lights still enjoyable to watch. We got home, smoked many bowls, five for me I think, and tried to sleep.
I found it very difficult and was frustrated once again with my alertness. By the next night, sleep came and I was back to normal. The only difference was that I felt elated. The world was beautiful and I felt so lucky to be a part of it. This feeling has never gone away.
Third experience, 4 months later: This would prove to be my most interesting experience, as well as the most intense, both good and not-so-good. Dropped first cap at 11pm, and I noted it was different than the ones I'd taken before. Our group decided to walk to the rave which took about 45 mins. After about 15 mins, I noticed I was unable to keep up with everyone else's pace. I tried but it was impossible.
Rushing is definitely my least favourite part, but this was more uncomfortable than I thought it would be. At 30 mins, I was walking along the sidewalk, when I felt like my body leaned severely to the right, practically horizontal, and I almost walked into the fence beside me. Then I was suddenly upright again. I still don't know if it really happened or not.
When we were almost there, we stopped to get directions, which I was happy about, since I thought I needed a break. But as soon as I stopped moving, I felt even worse, so I kept in motion until we were moving again. When we finally got there, we had to wait at least 30 mins in line. I kept feeling worse, and came to realize that the whole time I simply needed water. I believe if I'd had a bottle, the rushing would have been much more tolerable.
I was leaning on my bf with my head on his shoulder, waiting for it to pass, wanting to get inside so I could hydrate myself. Then, I suddenly started feeling much better, the familiar calm, silly grin, and, unlike the other times, an urge to dance. So I did just that. Standing in the line, I moved to the music that was pumping out the doors. Once we were inside, we located washrooms, etc, and went our own ways. The urge to dance wasn't enough to get me on the floor, so I went to the smaller room and sat down against the wall to compose myself.
I was in between, feeling more than just calm, but not really rolling yet. After about an hour, I dropped my second cap, and really started rolling. Body temp went way up, and the urge to touch and talk to other people was irresistable. My bf sat with me at one point and blew the nasal inhaler on my face. This time, it was so intense, I couldn't open my eyes. Tears poured in a steady stream down my cheeks because of the chill. Way worse than onions in terms of tears, but the feeling was totally positive.
I got somewhat overwhelmed in the small room at one point as well, so I sat on the stairs leading outdoors. I took deep breaths and enjoyed the break from the music and crowds, but was told that the stairwell wasn't for sitting. I really could have used a chill out room. Another thing that happened to me was I was sitting against the wall, talking to someone I had just met, when one of the paramedics there leaned down, put his hand on my shoulder, and made sure I knew where he was in case I needed anything. I don't know what I did to draw his attention, since it was dark and I'd had my back to him. Perhaps I was giving a massage and just can't remember. However, something about my behaviour sparked a concern in him, and he acted accordingly.
After, I went to the main room to my friends who were dancing beside the speakers. As soon as I reached them, I had a physically overwhelming, negative feeling, and I turned around immediately and went back to the smaller room where the sound and sights were less intense. At some point around that same time, I knew I needed more water and went back to the main room room where it was being sold. There was only
2 people ahead of me, but that same physical feeling hit me again, and I couldn't even wait for water.
I would describe the feeling in words if I could, but I don't know how. All I knew was that I couldn't stay there where bass seemed to pulse through me. I dropped my third cap sometime after that, once I came down a little, and when that hit, I saw tracers for the first time ever. The problem was, I had never heard of them before.
I was sitting in the small room again, totally messed up in a good way, and I looked across the room at some people who had glowsticks. Whenever they'd move them, the tracers were really intense and bright, and I had that same negative, physical feeling, so I would look down in my lap and it would pass immediately. I kept testing my vision, looking up after a few mins and the tracers would still happen. I'd feel overwhelmed and focus on my lap again. At some point they stopped. I came down after that.
Colours were still fun to watch, but no tracers. Nor did I feel messed up anymore, which disappointed me. I now felt the same as I did at my first rave. It ended the same as the last time. Went home, smoked some bowls, and went to bed. This time I was surprised to find I slept easily, and woke up more elated than I'd ever been before. My guy and I went out for lunch, and everything was so beautiful. I felt so lucky to be there with him. I wanted to walk and be one with nature. I was so utterly happy to be alive.
A couple of things I wanted to mention include not feeling the effects after one cap. I believe this is due to the meds I take. I think they fight the sensory input E is trying to allow in, thus requiring 2 caps to start rolling, though I would never take 2 at once. Second, I believe my third experience was the most intense due to the type of E we acquired. Nothing else was different.
Third, I wonder if I felt so negative toward the feeling I had with the tracers and the music directly by the speakers, because even completely high, I still worry about the potential for having a seizure. The fact that I didn't know what was happening when I saw the tracers brought fear to the surface, and I automatically labelled them as a negative thing, potentially a warning signal that a seizure could occur.
The only way to test that would be to continue to watch the lights, and see what happens. Now that I know it is normal, I will continue to watch the next time, and hopefully without any fear or negative results. Overall, it was an amazing, positive experience. I am doing it again very soon. I'm so excited, I've been dreaming about it everyday for months now.
In my opinion, Ecstacy is something everyone should try, IF they're so inclined. Once again, I would never tell anyone they should. For me, it is something I would love to experience everyday, but to protect my body, I will try to keep it at a maximum of 4 times a year. With my condition in particular, I feel it is important to allow a lot of down time so I don't wind up having a seizure as a result.
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