Citation: Trizzle. "Forgotten Rage: An Experience with Alprazolam - XR, Alcohol & Cannabis (exp57105)". Erowid.org. Aug 28, 2009. erowid.org/exp/57105
It was early summer 2006, and I had started having panic attacks, so I went to the doctor and talked to him about it. I had been on every drug for anxiety EXCEPT benzodiazapines, including (for the sake of time I'll cut the list short) welbutrin, paxil, buspar, etc. So I told him this, and we agreed to try benzos. He gave me the four choices, which I thought was a little odd, and I chose Xanax right away (a lot of friends back home had used them recreationally for some time). We decided that since I drive for a living that I should start taking the extended release version so wasn't popping bars all day. He started me off with 1mg Xanax XR once a day in the morning.
This worked phenomenally for about a month, then I started having to take two. So I went back and got a script for 2mg Xanax XR. Same thing. Worked great, and taking two had EXTREME recreational value. I should have stopped here, but I truly believe to this day that I started a habit that just wouldn't quit, and month later I had my first bottle of 3mg Xanax XR. This particular form of Xanax is nothing to mess around with. 3mg of alprazolam will lay almost anyone out. I will say this also: The extended release is no lie, I truly feel like I am on 3mg of xanax for 12 hours straight, no exageration whatsoever.
This is where my life started going downhill. My girlfriend and I started taking two of these bad boys on the weekends to party, and this is where my memory problems start. It got to the point where I was still thinking somewhat rationally, and wanted to experience a true alprazolam HIGH. So, with my experiences from oxycontin, I decided to start blowing and chewing pills. This is where my brain began to become a slave. I would eat one and a half and snort the last half. I got into several pretty violent fights with my girlfriend, as a result of passing out and being woken up for some reason or another. This drug made me go into insanely violent fits of rage and psychosis. I cut myself up pretty bad a few times, never remember doing any of it.
Now to the night in question. It actually started out all right. I had a good day at work, made 100 dollars in tips, bought an 1/8th of some really high quality nugs, and was set to party my face off. I bought an 18 pack of beer on the way home, picked my girl up and headed to my apartment. As it turned out, none of my friends showed up. So:
7pm: We both take two (6mg) XANAX XR, and I start drinking heavily. At this point I roll a large joint and we get toasted. I'm very stoned at this point and put on some Aqua Teen Hunger Force that I had borrowed from a friend on DVD.
745pm: I've gotten four beers into me, and I am feeling extremely enbriated. My words are slurred so much that it's almost intelligable, and I'm giggling like a school girl. I decide to blow an entire pill, which I had never done before. I crush it up, and as soon as it goes into my nose I black out.
I woke up two hours away in my parents bed without a clue how I got there. I had no clue what happened, and my arms were stitched up and bandaged. Eventually I got parts of the story and it went something like this:
After I blew that pill, I kind of fell over and went to sleep for about thirty minutes, and which point I took two more pills. For the life of me I have no idea what the hell would posses me to take two more (up to 15 now), but that's what I did. I somehow managed to get up and was apparently acting pretty normal, as far as being on Xanax is concerned. I drank something like 6 more beers, and popped another 3 (24mg), and I go unconcious. My girl proceeds to slap me to get me awake, and when I wake up, I lose all control of my sanity. I went into the kitchen and got the sharp butcher knife, and from she tells me I started chasing her around the house shouting 'I'll fucking kill you' over and over again. She started crying, so I started carving up my arms, taking the blood onto my finger and writing Kill Me on the bathroom wall.
I decide I'm not high enough (?) and take two more (30mg). At this point I'm rolling around babbling incoherently, talking to people who aren't there, getting into arguments with my self, yelling at people (I told my girls mom that I was jesus and would kill her whole family if she called my parents or something like that.) My parents came and got me, and I woke up at there house. The whole car ride I was babbling gibberish. They didn't take me to the hospital (thank god), and I came out of the fog about four days later feeling extremely stupid.
Once I pop more than I'm supposed to, I can't stop. It's like I'm a robot and the pills are my fuel. I'm telling you, I've never been so confused in my entire life, and I know I hurt a lot of people that night. I feel really stupid for it, and it will NEVER happen again. I cut off the xanax and jumped over to clonazepam, which doesn't make me angry at all (even when I slip up and take an extra one or two), it doesn't make me lose any memory and it does essentially the same thing.
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