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Expressing my 'Inner' Self
MDMA (Ecstasy)
by Alienator
Citation:   Alienator. "Expressing my 'Inner' Self: An Experience with MDMA (Ecstasy) (exp57194)". May 29, 2009.

75 mg oral MDMA (powder / crystals)


Interlude: Prior to this experience it had been about 2 months since I last took MDMA (In pill form). I am very conservative about how I do pills and prefer to save them for very special occasions. So far I have only taken pills 3 times before this experience.

INTRODUCTION - THE BEGGINING STUFF (scroll down if these bits bore you. lazy bastards)

So I was traveling into London for the monthly Whirl-y-gig, this time at London Bridge. Whirl-y-gig is a sort of psycadelic rave and social gathering (google it). It features a dance floor, chillout areas and places to buy drinks. The event is a safe haven for psychoactive users (I hate using the term 'drug') and there is a lot of Ecstasy and Weed consumption that is performed quietly, but not illegally at the whirl-y-gig. Prior to taking part at the event we were told by My friend Alex that he could acquire pure MDMA powder, to which he 'claimed' had no come-down and just fades away (to which I was quite skeptical of). But I had been socializing for an hour and felt quite settled into the environment, the occasion was a rare one, and I decided I would try a small dose of MDMA for the experience. The powder was sold in rizlas that were scrunched up into tiny balls. They contained 125mg of powder each. I am a bit wary buying from dealers at events and stuff, but that night caution was in the wind. Me and my friend Steve decided we would both take half, I bit mine in half and swallowed the smaller piece - then washed down with water.


Like every time I have taken Ecstasy/MDMA the waiting period was a little anxious, now and again gauging yourself and trying to judge an effect (will I even come up?) But after about 45 minutes the onset was very slow and gradual. Not like the quick rushes I sometimes get with pills, this was much more slowly paced. About 1 hour and 20 minutes I was feeling great, exertive and friendly. The social atmosphere was natural. We decided to hit the dance floor to really get our blood pumping. Moving around and losing myself to the music was easy and enjoyable. I have never had a problem dancing, in fact I am quite confident in person. But I was really able to exert my creativity and flow into interesting motions etc.

After exhausting myself and getting some drinks of water I socialized for a bit. The powder was not a completely clean experience however, as after about 2 hours of the effects the “flatline” started to waver and conversations were breaking up now and again. I decided that I would focus on the trippy lights and visuals they had projected on the walls when I couldn’t socialize, and told myself that any negative thoughts or feelings are only products of the substance. Try to ignore it. (much easier said than done I know, but you can apply it!) After some ups and downs in the group and some crazy adventures, another hour and a half later we were all pretty calm. The MDMA powder had gradually faded like it was supposed to, but some of my friends still felt a little empty or neutral. I felt the last of the powders emotional effects were over, and that I now felt sober once more. This felt good though, because the experience was interesting, insightful and positive.

Not in a particularly socializing mood, I felt more up for listening to some more music on the dancefloor (Electronic/IDM) – However I never did have a lot of stamina for dancing, so I decided to sit and watch the crowd and enjoy the music. It was then that I made the conscious decision to rave from where I was seated – I could headbang and use my hands all whilst sitting down. This was not a product of the MDMA, but rather the afterglow of the positive experience. I thought to myself that this is what whirl-y-gig is all about – It doesn’t matter what I do or how I do it – as long as I'm enjoying myself. A concept I noticed that wasn’t present on the dance floor.

So I began to really let myself go and not care how I seemed or appeared, what matters is that -I- love what I'm doing. Body language and psychology will transmit this to everyone around me. I literally raved and jigged about as if I was alone for about 2 hours – people began to sit by me, take pictures of me – A few people came and shook my hand, my mate Harry spotted me and came over (I think he was feeling a bit drained from the ecstasy he took) and I told him how I’d come off the MDMA but had been listening to music for and hour, and about how I had work in the morning at 11:00 and it was about 4 or 5. He looked like he felt sorry for me, but I told him it was worth it, which it most certainly was. This comment amazed him and he promptly ran off to dance with a big grin. I blocked out the majority of things going on around me just to zone in the music – but it was awesome to know that I had inspired these people just by truly expressing myself without a concern for judgment.

For 2 solid hours I truly expressed my love for electronic music – Something that is impossible with words and verbal communication. My love for it goes much deeper than that. And so I expressed it through attitude, energy and body language. I took those 2 hours of self-esteem with me, back home, and the next day too. In fact I took a great deal from the whirl-y-gig experience, to which I can now apply to future “endeavors”.


Sure, there were some ups and downs. But it happens – I think it can be part of the experience, if only to teach resistance to negative thoughts and feel positive about the smaller negative things in life. Ecstasy can teach me so much about how to be myself. How to relax and not focus on smaller negatives. How to consciously change my outlook on things if I apply what I experienced to how I live my life. That doesn’t mean that I can be “happy” with the flick of a switch, but my “attitude” can simply prevail over certain situations.

Personally I am quite a sociable person but I also need introverted time to myself, that means that when I don’t feel I have much to say or aren’t very sociable I take some time to go and do something without my friends and enjoy the atmosphere around me. That doesn’t make me an introvert either, but it allows me to come back feeling refreshed and more engaged in discussion etc. My friends understand this, and thus we function more closely as a group because of it.

So there it is, my experience with pure MDMA powder. The powder itself wasn’t all that. It had upsy-downy bits that were weird, but it was what I brought to the experience that made it great.

Exp Year: 2006ExpID: 57194
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: Not Given 
Published: May 29, 2009Views: 7,736
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MDMA (3) : General (1), Festival / Lg. Crowd (24)

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