Citation: Carlos. "A Loss of Magic?: An Experience with MDMA (Ecstasy) (exp57202)". Erowid.org. Jan 25, 2007. erowid.org/exp/57202
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Back in 2000 - 2001 I was an extremely heavy user of xtc and its related sister substances. While reading the 'loss of magic' reports I thought my experience/s may well be helpful to some people. Throughout these two years I would have consumed xtc well over 300 times, so much so, that it is impossible to give a definitive number of usages. I loved xtc to such an extent I neglected my life completely, losing most of my friends in the process. With larger (absurd amounts - such as 18 pills in a 36 hour period) and more frequent doses (during the week as well as weekends) I did definitely notice a sharp drop in the 'magic' people speak of.
After my life completely disintergrated, I was also left with psychological issues such as anxiety, on-going hallucinations, and a distinct paranoia that was related to embarressing situations that plagued my memory concerning the way I acted while under the influence. ie. I didn't want to leave my house in case I saw the people who had witnessed my 'crazyness'. I still continued to use xtc occasionally, hoping for a return to the former glory that I used to experience, but on these occasions, I merely experienced a high that was no where near enjoyable. All positive experiences had been replaced with negative ones, I was basically wearing a mask of sanity that was constantly slipping with each dose. It would also take me days to recover, where I was lost in a world of thought, where I was depressed to such a point that it was difficult not to cry in every moment.
So I stopped my relationship with xtc, and set about fixing my life. I had degenerated to such a point that I was working in a factory and was pretty much suicidal all of the time. (I once tore enormous chunks of hair from my head, while screaming about how terrible my life was).
So anyway, after getting my feet back on the ground (literally), I returned to my studies and found a job that was much better than working with a bunch of yokels, with the combined IQ of a seven-year-old, in a factory. It was so difficult to intergrate myself into new situations however, and for the first few weeks of any new experience (returning to university for example) I'd be plagued by serious anxiety. I'd have to use every ounce of my will just to stay in the classroom, constantly telling myself it was okay....
Well that was four years ago now, and after much hard effort and determination with meditation, finding people who could understand my mindstate (friends, not mental health professionals, these experiences are totally subjective, you and only you can fix these issues), and also through the occasional use (not abuse) of psilocybin mushrooms, I totally regained control over myself and my life again. I do have to admit that I am a much wiser more creative person for going through what I did, but I definitely wouldn't recommend this path to anybody.
Back onto the topic of xtc. I am now in a loving relationship with a great girl (during my downfall I had my heart broken, which definitely contributed to my terrible state of mind) and the other night we had xtc together. It was the first time i'd dosed since I'd experienced all of the negativity that can surround this glorious substance, and yes, I was a little nervous. But I stayed with the moment (I can't stress how important not thinking is with any psychodelic experience), the music, and my girl, and I did have a full return to the land of 'magic' that xtc CAN transport you to. The pill I consumed was of average quality, yet I still had an extremely positive experience, with little to no comedown.
Perhaps it's because I'm much older, and understand myself to a much fuller degree, but I can definitively state that there can be a return of the 'magic' once it has been lost. I suggest following Dr. Leary's guide of 'set and setting' with even the milder psychodelics such as xtc, and the experience should be rewarding. I'm just happy to have my old friend back, but I will never, never, never abuse her again, for even though she can make me feel very, very good, if I go into the experience with a bad 'set and setting' (or negative psychological issues of any kind) and abuse her, I will suffer. I hope that this has been informative.
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