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From Tantanos to Jesus
Citation:   vv/II>/. "From Tantanos to Jesus: An Experience with LSD (exp57249)". Dec 21, 2008.

2 hits oral LSD (blotter / tab)
I am 18 years old at the moment and started experimenting with drugs about a year ago. I started to use LSD very regularly, every week or every 2 weeks for about half a year. I had some experience with psilocybin during that period. My LSD trips were mainly solo experiences which were at psytrance parties or home alone. About 2 months before my nightmare trip which this story is about I started to use MDMA and Speed very often because I had a 2 month holiday which I wanted to spend this way. In this 2 month period I hanged out with friends which I stopped seeing very often during my LSD-period but whom I knew for several years. I also met a guy S who was an experienced drug user and he was a friend of a friend. I heard that he was a good guy with good intentions.

S had a blotter at home that he got from a friend who claimed it was a mind-blowing trip. I had to buy my own LSD because he had only 1. I bought 2 blotters with a piece of the image of Shiva, but it was only guessing for their strength. We planned to use his house as a kind of HQ. I had been there before several times, and I always felt at ease there. There was music available and a lot of cool things to look at while tripping. So the trip wasn’t really expected to get boring. We dropped the acid at about 11 pm but I took my 2 trips at once, which I shouldn’t have done. I usually take my trips spread with an hour in between when I don’t know the dosage, but I didn’t feel like it was going to be a problem since I did a lot of tripping.

After only 20 minutes the acid started to kick in, all kinds of patterns started to appear, the colours shifted and I felt great. We decided to go outside and walk around. I always feel comfortable tripping outside because I can still have nice deep conversations while I constantly get new vibes from my surroundings. Everything was quite “normal”. The trip was kicking in harder and harder, it was one the stronger trips. But with the other trips of such intensity I was usually so blown away by the experience that I couldn’t speak and only could look around with a gaze at infinity. This time I had the most intense conversation I ever had. I talked to S like I was talking to my deepest self. I felt a connection like I never felt before, I think most people have such feelings at some time in their life so I don’t feel I should explain this.

After approx an hour or 2 we went back to his house. Everything was still fine, we put on some music, smoked some hash and continued our conversation. After a while he was talking about his visuals. I said that it never really interested me a lot. And then there was a little click inside of my head. I can't really explain it, it was a series of thoughts and images that appeared in my mind. I saw an image of a little white dot in a total darkness. TO BE, I said, to be or not to be. Then I started to think and think and think. I saw a big blue arrow, this was society, this what we are all part of. Then I saw a little man carrying a bag. When he is on top of the arrow he has to carry less then when he's below. The I saw that how the more the little man tried to stop carrying the bag, the heavier the bag got. But when I looked at S, he started to get a red aura around him and bit by bit he was becoming a demon. I was feeling uncomfortable, every time that I wanted to start talking, I first had to scrape my throat and my voice came from very far. Our conversation from then on got very weird.

By this time he changed in a 2.5m devil sitting in his chair. First I had something like, well let's play along, it's just my mind playing tricks on me. We continued our conversation, but for me it were only sentences like “Don’t you understand what I mean?” and him replying “ No, can you explain it?” But it was a threatening tone. And the more I tried to play this game, the harder it got, the bigger he got, and the more threat there was in his voice. Then we put on some other music, Jefferson Airplane. Which calmed the situation. Everything was somewhat back to normal, but I saw that look in his eyes. It was like he was watching me constantly. I couldn’t come at ease, and through my mind came more series of thoughts. But it were visions of marginal people who survived by constantly ripping people off and doing illegal business. I had made a conclusion of the world at that moment: The only reason why people live is to steal as much of the people around them as possible.

Then there was a battle for the setting, I was convinced that as long as I could keep the music calm and kept the lights on, everything would be fine. Then he showed me one of his dub cds, and it said on the front “Don’t listen to this music under the influence of drugs”. I Listened to this cd a several times, but at that moment I said “Then we shouldn’t put this music on”. He said “Come on, there is nothing wrong with it,…”. But I insisted we didn’t put it on. Then I saw an image in my mind of an insane man sitting in a room talking to himself. 2 men entered the room and they were playing tricks on him. What they really did, didn’t matter, but the fact that he was being used in some kind of way was obvious. I saw some images of “the village fool”, the madman talking to himself everywhere he went. He lost all sense of direction, all sense of normality.

We continued to talk, and I said I might go home… He said that if I was tired, we could go to his room, watch some TV, or that I could lay down on the couch. The moment he said this, he was lying there very seductive and sex was the first thing I thought about. Then I saw a horrifying image of 3 men naked on a bed. One of them was being raped, one was doing the action, and one was smoking cigarettes and burning them in the body of the man who was being abused. This image was so vivid. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I said I really had to leave. He suggested to drive me home, which I didn’t like, because I already pictured myself a situation where he was speeding and drove off somewhere else. I went to the hall very careful because I was convinced he was going to dim the lights behind me and attack me. I finally left but at the last moment I saw him, he did a fast goodbye, like “Figure it out yourself”. And then I had these sick twisted ideas. I thought that I had to go back and I had to get taken in the ass and that when his pack of cigarettes were empty that I would finally understand life and that everything would be clear. I felt like I had to be Jesus and take all sins. Then I snapped, I felt like all my life I did stupid things and always the problems would be solved and that someone else would take care of my mess, but not this time. This time it was too late, this time I really fucked it up.

I got home by chance. I found the train rails, which I only needed to follow and after a good hour walk I would be home. It was the longest hour in my life, I saw visions of people who were lost saying “Can you help me find my mommie and daddie?” I saw people talking to each other with angry and challenging tones. I noticed this before in several trips that this occurred, but I didn’t have to power to rationalize this feeling. I saw people fighting, I saw people covered with blood and wounds in their faces. This all added to my thought that I was lost. I was put in hell, I had to pay for everything. The problem was that I left his house already but that I was convinced I still had to suffer. So before entering my house I went to my garage. I thought that when I was there somebody would enter and that person would finish the job, he would let me suffer for my acts. Nothing happened and I started to cry. I called S. His tone still had that scary tone, it was like he totally came out of the cell phone and stood next to me. He said that he saw there was something wrong with me at the time, but that I should forget it and should go home. That seemed logical, but after only a few a minutes after I hung up, I had the feeling his words had a different meaning. I had the feeling I could never go back again, it was too late to pay for my sins. This went on and on. Eventually I went home and after a couple of hours of tormenting myself with these ideas I rocked myself to sleep.

The next day I was a wreck. One moment I thought everything was going to be fine, but the other moment I thought I was still stuck in hell. I helped my father with a number of things in the house, but I couldn’t do anything normally, I felt confusion about every little thing I had to do. For example, I had to help my father cleaning some doors to paint them afterwards. I cleaned them and they looked well-done, but some time later I saw the spot again, and again and again. Then I had to fill little gaps in the door. I did this, but when I did this I dirtied the area around the gap. This frustrated me and I cleaned the door again. Then I saw that the gap wasn’t properly filled, so I refilled, which dirtied the area around the gap again.

I couldn’t handle it, my first thought was leaving the house. Then I asked my parents for a little talk, at that moment that feeling came back from the trip. I told my story about my drug abuse, about my experience,… My parents were very open, they tried to understand me, and they did actually. Together we made the conclusions of this trip. It had been awhile since I opened myself up to someone else again. I try to find my balance between being the devil and being Jesus. The balance between my wild outside “drug” life and the boring life. When I find this balance I will be happy. The next days I saw my place in daily life, I saw what I meant in my family. I saw my place in society.

Do I believe the things I saw? My first feeling was, I have to get to know things about religion,… My interest for religion awoke, and I read about it a lot. Some of the visions are printed in my mind, and I consider them useful. Like the ones of the man with the little bag and such. But the other things are getting out of my head, because I don’t consider them useful in daily life. I don’t believe that I lost something during my trip, not anymore… I became stronger, and I trust myself now. I did LSD once some weeks later, it was a microdot. This trip started with laughing but after a few hours I made that little click again. I saw that vision of the little dot and the man with the bag again. My friends all became creepy again, and again I started misinterpreting everything again. But this time I just let it pass. I stopped talking and explaining, I just WAS and that was fine for me…

Exp Year: 2006ExpID: 57249
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Dec 21, 2008Views: 5,456
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LSD (2) : Difficult Experiences (5), Small Group (2-9) (17)

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