Citation: Tripp. "I've Tried to Quit: An Experience with Caffeine (exp57612)". Erowid.org. Jul 19, 2016. erowid.org/exp/57612
One boring morning I woke up, I drank my normal morning coffee and headed off to school, hoping to get a tiny lift from the tiny amount of caffeine in the gut-wrenching beverage. I arrived at school depressed as usual. My head down, dressed head to toe in black not caring what anybody or anything thought of my dangerous appearance. I slept through the first couple hours of classes then at lunch a good friend approached me with a few pills in her hand. She sat beside me and asked me if I wanted some vivarin. I considered the possibilities, the positive effects, the negative... and skeptically took two pills from her. To be quite honest I was scared of drugs in general, anything at all. But, caffeine wasnít a drug to me, it was merely something to help me up. It didnít even 'do' anything, right?
Well, let me tell you I was WRONG. I downed the 200mg pills with a soft drink. I didnít expect much to happen, but in about 20 minutes a started feeling happy, hyper, euphoric in a way. About 5 minutes after the initial reaction I started to see everything as pretty and interesting, nobody wasnít my best friend and I didnít need anybody to survive. I felt completely independent. After lunch I happily skipped to my art class. Everybody was shocked at the fact that I was happy. When we started the project my mind bubbled with creative energy, tiny dots on paper became a spectrum of color, brush strokes turned neon, every line and marking was perfect. When I got home the effects started to wear off, leaving me depressed and apathetic once more.
When I got home the effects started to wear off, leaving me depressed and apathetic once more.
So, realising that caffeine was the best thing that happened to me all year, I brewed myself a pot of extremely strong coffee. (Now that I think of it, there was probably 400 mg of caffeine in a cup.) I drank the coffee within 30 minutes of arriving home and about 15 minutes later was practically bouncing of the walls. I was more than euphoric; I was the most perfect thing to ever exist. I was god, a dictator of all creation. Everything was neon and beautiful, I could move as fast as my heart desired. Music, life, the world all made perfect sense to me and I felt like I was haplessly in love with everybody. It was as if the world was in perfect insane harmony. Following the raver saying 'Peace Love Unity Respect' it was a sense of complete utopia.
After that episode, I went back to my friend for more 'happiness in a pill' she told me she didnít have anymore, because everybody else took two or three. I was disappointed and went home, made my 'special coffee'.
It was winter break and I was quite obviously addicted to this 'harmless' substance.
Eventually this coffee form wasnít enough to satisfy me. I began to turn to other kinds. I wanted pure caffeine. After long, boring research, and many sleepless nights on the computer, I found an over the counter drug that was almost all caffeine. I was again, scared of caffeine. Afraid it would be too strong for my already messed up heart. But, I simply couldnít stand withdrawal (which included, but was not limited to vomiting, stomach cramps, horrible migraines, insomnia, paranoia, hallucinations, tremors, and ringing in the ears.) and eventually crushed up the small pills and snorted a line.
It was at least ten times stronger than anything I've ever felt before. I couldnít stop moving, my energy was limitless, everything was neon and exciting and my mind was going crazy. Racing illogical thoughts flew around my head. I wanted to jump higher run faster scream louder and dance the night away, which is exactly what I did. Until the euphoria wore off. When this happened, it was quite a crash. I became extremely depressed, bored by everything and irritable. My muscles ached my stomach jumped, everything scared me and I couldnít stop crying.
At this point, my mother noticed me not eating or sleeping and my severe mood swings. She took me to a clinic to get drug tested. Surprisingly NOTHING showed up. She was confused, and I was off the hook.
I continued to have my daily lines, and the addiction lives to this very day. I've tried to quit a total of 16 times, all failed miserably within 2 weeks. The addiction is vicious.
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