Citation: J. Knoxville. "Mind/Teeth Grinding Spin to Pseudohappiness: An Experience with Cocaine (exp57629)". Erowid.org. Sep 1, 2018. erowid.org/exp/57629
| T+ 0:05
||(powder / crystals)
| T+ 0:45
||(powder / crystals)
SO there I was, a scientific and novice psychonaut, ready to blast cautiously into the foray of hard and addictive drugs. I am a graduate student in the sciences field with comprehensive biological knowledge of mind and body. I enjoy psychadelic type drugs due to their mind expanding nature: I.e. I get a limited time to perceive some of the infinite stimuli my brain dumbs down for day to day life. My interest in hard drugs that stimulate and euphoriate is nothing more than curiosity and desire for empathy for those that become addicted. I have enjoyed a raging trip on mushrooms in amsterdam, I have had painkillers on multiple occassions and I smoke pot pretty regularly these days...also DXM.
0 hour Come back from a rough exam, decide to smoke a half joint of ok weed. Get mildly high, thoughts arefree-ed up and I start thinking about things differently (like, hey, that tree has crazy bark, I wonder if it will cut the shit out of me when I climb that tree, lets go inside and get some food).
T:5m I decide to take two small lines, like 3cm by 1cm, of OK cocaine (from what I am told via the resident expert). I get immediate burning in my nose and my eyes want to water a bit.
T:10m I am beginning to get a little jumpy. My nose is numb and I taste the shit on the bak of my throat. I am becoming aware that my jaw is clenching. I am not really anything but a little annoyed.
T:20m I definately feel the FX, increased HR, aggitation, slight euphoria...the best way I can describe it is the feeling you get when your excited for something, but magnified in the head and not somuch in the heart....like, I could tell that my excitement was synthetic.
T:30m I put on some music and start writing this entry. The music is more annoying than anything, it just doesnt seem pleasent, more like a cluster of sounds. I am writing pretty freely, but I am having some slight cognitive aphasia (which means I search for a word and don't easily find it, so I pause)...it typically happens in old age and a shitload of other things brain related. I feel much less creative, any sort of altered level of thinking I achieved with the weed seems to be very blunted. I have marked adrenaline like effects in the body, as would be expected, and its a little annoying.
T:45m I am still writing, but much more aphasic, much less creative and more neanderthal-like. I don't have a head-high anymore, no euphoria. I am also noticing my adrenaline-related effects much more, palpitations (feel heart beat), high HR, eyes and mouth dry. My mental faculties are hightened, as in my thoughts are oving fast, but it takes longer to come to decisions and conclusions, so its like impractical mental elevation. NOW!! I noticed it a tiny bit around T30...I noticed I felt like I wanted to do another line....I could go without it, but it wassort of a nagging desire. The desire was very primitive to me, like hunger...I didn't need it, but I wanted it (not hunger like I was starving). So, being only halfway through this, I cut up another small line, 5cm x 1cm and hit that sucker. Immediately when I lift up my head, I get a rush...a brain rush that was neither pleasurable nor painful...just a rush. I sat back down and I felt very paranoid, like I thought I heard the door open so I jumped up for no reason, very startled.
T:50 I am reasonably current with the time so I will be chronicling things live with limited ranting and stream of consciousness. I am also going to be breaking it down into mind and body, which is easier for me.
Mind: I feel decent…no where near what I felt before. I feel like my high is very unclean, my mental function is super elevated and very difficult to control and focus….almost like what I get when Im in a fight or flight situation, but not as bad. I am struggling for creativity and essentially just typing. My inspiration level for anything is low, for example, when I smoke good weed, I get really in awe of different subtle aspects of life and then excited/happy that I have so much more to live and experience. Right now, I am just struggling to do anything but type, no faster than normal, but much more deliberate, and keep myself from being overwhelmed (slightly) by the body “high.” I don’t even wanna call it a high, its more like a disorganized onslaught of adrenaline. I am really fucking annoyed at pretty much anything.
Body: I am jittery, hot as shit, hands with definite resting tremors and eyes open wide and dry.
Bottom line: Fuck me for ruining my introspective weed high by doing those two lines….and fuck me even more for taking that 3rd line, cause all it got me was a longer duration of these shitty feelings with little to no euphoria. I have some desire to hit another line of coke…can’t tell if its more want/need based, but my mind is definitely stepping in and saying FUCK THAT….
Wish I had a time machine so I could and remove myself from this synthetic cluster fuck of a body high….I am really annoyed right now, and its most definitely a side effect of the coke. I should just be happy and relaxed, great rest of day ahead of me, but all I wanna do is stop writing this and go smoke the rest of that j so I can take the fucking edge off this state of mind/body.
Final thoughts: I could see where a certain personality type would get addicted to this in certain settings….I can also DEFINITELY see where using cocaine during depression or as an escape would pretty much guarantee addiction or at least habituation.
Well…I’m gonna smoke….hope this was enlightening…..but I really don’t care……
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