I don't really know how to start writing this. I just know that I should. My life up to this point has been completly meaningless and I hope that my story can help someone else.

I am 19 years old. I can truly say that I am a cocaine addict. I have been using cocaine for over 2 years and I cannot stop.

It all started like everyone else's story; I did it to try it. It was there. At that time I was a straight A student and my parents had just bought me a brand new car. I was living the life. I was popular, beautiful, and I had everything going for me.

On weekend my parents went out of town and I decided to throw a little party. It wasn't a big deal, just a couple of my friends and some alcohol, or so I thought. Someone whom I did not know showed up at the party and he had cocaine. Everyone else was trying it, so, I thought, why not? As it ended up I did over 4 grams that night AND had sex with that guy. I didn't spend any money, he just wanted sex. I have never seen that guy again. I do not remember his name, or even what he looks like. I didn't even care. I just wanted more. The feeling I got was extraordinary. Everytime he cut me out a 'gator' my high returned, but less and less intense. My body craved another line every 20 minutes or so. He showed me how to put some in the end of my cigarette, a 'coolie'. I heard it was like smoking crack. How did I manage to go from the most popular girl in school to a 'crack-head' in one night?

As I look back, the first experience I had should have been devastating enough for me to never do cocaine again. But the feeling that I got overwhelmed my body and mind and I knew right then and there that this was just the beginning.

Over the course of the next couple of years, I became a very avid user. I did cocaine just about every day. By this time I had my own dealer and I was selling so much cocaine that the amounts I consumed were profit.

The next exerpt from my life I am very sketchy about being printed. I am afraid that if someone I know reads it, they will be able to determine my identity. But I feel that it is relevant and I would like to share it with you.

The day started out like any other. My friend and I woke up from partying all night and decided to do a couple of lines to wake up. Well, a couple turned into 5, then 10, ...you get the picture. We were pretty wound up, so we decided to go and get another tattoo. It was raining very badly on the way there. It had been extremely dry weather for the days leading up to that, so the roads were especially slick. As I was driving across a bridge, I lost control and totalled my brand new car. If I close my eyes, I can still replay the entire incident over again in my head.

*Bouncing across the lanes like a ping-pong ball hitting both cement medians over and over again. Feeling the strain of the seatbelt crushing my chest. Having the impact of the airbag hit me like a force I have never experienced. Feeling the airbag burn my arms and neck. Did the car finally stop? ... Am I dead? ...What is this smell? ...Where is this smoke coming from?... Oh, my God! ... My car is about to catch on fire. I'm looking everywhere for my friend. She is gone. I hope she is ok. I need to get out of this car now. Why can't I move?... My body is shaking. I look up. The windshield is cracked. Is that why my head hurts so bad?... I can feel and taste the blood running down my face dripping onto my shirt... Why am I still here?.. Get out of the car! I turn, my door won't open.

The smoke is still coming out. The passenger door is crumpled beyond recognition. I can't crawl out the other side. I am going to die. What an awful death. I am going to burn alive. I don't know if my friend is alive. All this for a little cocaine? I love you mom. I love you dad. I am sorry I couldn't be the child you deserved. I am sorry to my friends parents. I hope thier daughter is alright. God? If you are listening, I am sorry. I don't want to go to hell for this. I promise if you let me live I will NEVER do ANY drug again for the rest of my life.

I sit. I sit longer. Shake it off! I feel this rush of energy surge over my entire body. I am not going to die today. Do you hear me? NOT TODAY!!! I turn my body around and kick the door over and over again. Finally, it has flown off. I stumble out of the wreckage and crawl to the side of the road. I lay there. I close my eyes and thank everything known to man that I am alive. I feel someone touch my head. My eyes open. It is my friend. She is alive. We are both alive.


That was the single most terrifying event that ever happened to me. You would think that an event like that would cause someone to NEVER do drugs again. Well, it's me we're talking about here. The next day after leaving the hospital, I was back to my old self. What a shame.

My cocaine addiction has grown tremendously since then. Every other day I go to my dealer and get 15 grams. I sell 12 of them and make a profit and still have some coke left over. I'm not telling you this because I am proud. This is my way of reaching out to get help. I know I need help. I want help. But I cannot do it alone.

At this time in my life I have grown from snorting lines to 'shooting up.' Every day I do it. I cannot wear short sleeves anywhere I go, for I am in fear that someone will see and know what I really am. I am a cocaine addict.

Exp Year: 2001	ExpID: 5939
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: May 2, 2001	Views: 141,872
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