Citation: MDMA_Addict. "Related Damage: An Experience with MDMA (Ecstasy) (exp60207)". Erowid.org. Sep 17, 2007. erowid.org/exp/60207
I first started using MDMA during the summer between my sophomore and junior years of high school. It started at a party were I was given a pressed pill. The feeling of warmth and empathy were amazing. Before this experience I was starting to get depressed about nothing it seemed like my life just seemed hard and terrifying. So MDMA was like a godsend a little gift pressed by god herself.
I started to roll every few days that summer. I was self-medicating depression with MDMA. I didnít pay attention to the side effects but my family noticed. My mom thought I was drinking a lot because I was always tired and pissed off when sober.
Lets skip forward to the summer before college. My use had escalated to the point of me rolling every day for about a year and a half I think (my memory is shot I canít remember if I ate or not or what I did a few hours earlier in any detail). During this summer I started to get chest pains. I didnít pay any attention to these pains and attributed it to smoking cigarettes. I was rolling every day this summer on about .3-.5g of MDMA powder. At the end of the summer I could barley walk up stairs with getting winded, my heart racing and nearly blacking out.
I stopped rolling after an overdose the following New Years where I consumed about 1g of MDMA and a handful of various benzos and painkillers (mostly valium and oxycontin). The depression I fell into following this experience made me have uncontrollable crying fits take over me were I would lay in my bed and cry for hours on bad days. The slightest problem in my life was immense in my eyes and my only solution was to break down and cry like a child. The depression got to the point were I attempted suicide the following week (this being the weekend of my overdose I had only been sober for under seven days and the emotional pain was crippling not to mention the terrible state my organs were in I had intense chest pains, spots in my vision, severe HPPD and probable liver damage). I purchased about ten 5mg Valium, fifteen 7.5/500 Lortabs of hydrocodone and one 40mg Oxycontin oh and a bottle of Wild Turkey 101. I took all the pills at once with half the bottle of wild turkey at a friends house (he was throwing a party because he parents were out of town). I was planning on dieing alone in his garage. From what my friends tell me I collapsed before I got to his garage about 30 minutes after ingesting the pills and booze. They tell me I collapsed and vomited on myself mostly whiskey and various white and blue pill shards. They called an ambulance and my stomach was pumped. The doctors in the ER told me I was very lucky for having thrown up before they got there because had I digested all the pills fully I would have been DOA.
Following this experience I am now two weeks sober and hating my life. I can barley think, my vision is terrible( I canít read the letters change color and move around, I have constant color spots in my field of vision, things in the corner of my vision move violently), not to mention the pain I fell deep in my chest and around the area of my stomach were the liver and kidneys are. I find myself looking at people on campus and feel incredible sadness at my own life for not being one of them. I feel alone most of the time even when surrounded by friends. People tell me I look better and donít look like a drug addict anymore but I feel worthless. I still find myself crying uncontrollably sometimes. But there is a small glimmer of hope after hitting rock bottom. Every sober day my mind slowly grows more normal and my memory is coming back to me. Not long term but new memories are starting to stay and the crippling emotional pain is still there but I am now in counseling and in a NA like support group. My life is still wrecked with pain both physicall and emotional my body and mind still crave the warm blanket of MDMA. But a part of me is saying that if I go back down that road it will end with more damage and finally death. I am desperately trying to remain sober. And I know my chances are getting better each day I remain sober.
This isnít a warning about MDMA or drug addictions merely my story about a sad 16 year old who fell in love with getting high. And who turned into a 19 year old who fells like heís body is 80 with the mental faculties of a child. Iím told the mental difficulties will improve with time and that will be my saving grace. That and the love I now feel from friends and family who Iíve turned to for help. Drugs are no longer holding the leash on my emotions.
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