Citation: Pro- E. "That's Why We're Here: An Experience with MDMA (Ecstasy) (exp60634)". Erowid.org. Oct 15, 2010. erowid.org/exp/60634
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This is a follow-up to For Those with Seizure Disorders
. It took place New Year's Eve, Dec 31/06.
Two months prior, my bf 'S' returned home from a few months work, during which time I was only able to see him online. I missed him, but I found myself using my free time to swim and hit the gym regularly. During that time, I lost 20 lbs but was not overweight to begin with. I basically tightened and toned, turned my body into a slender, shapely figure. S came home & was ecstatic, as you could imagine. My general attitude had improved as well. It was hard not to feel content, even if something was going wrong. I also ate the best of foods. Every cell in my body was filled with positive energy. I couldn't wait for New Year's to arrive, with the promise of Ecstacy.
S had been home for a week, and I skipped the pool and gym, wanting to spend my time with him. I HAD every intention of resuming my workout schedule. It took 1 or 2 weeks, and my mood began to slip. I was unhappier than I'd ever remembered being, to the point S realized I was severely depressed. Everything pissed me off and I wanted to sleep every second I didn't have to be at work. After nearly 2 months of this, every day worse than the last, S did something that saved me.
I had gotten to the point that I didn't want him near me, didn't want him to touch me. One morning, after dealing with a cold shoulder from me, he said he didn't think he could take it anymore. I thought he was going to leave me. I could feel my emotions bubbling to the surface, which is foreign to me, as I haven't really cried in about 20 years. I began to explain why I was afraid to have him near me, and then I began to weep. My entire body shook with sobs. I can't relay the sounds that escaped me. All of this came from a history of being repeatedly molested.
Realization and acceptance of the fact that there was a problem was my first step towards healing. I knew from my previous experiences with E that I gravitate more towards conversations with people than anything else. I also recalled how joyful and alive I felt afterward, and was looking forward to these feelings again, especially with how dark my mind had been as of late. I also wondered if perhaps I had opened a door to simply getting better just by talking, and one time I am able to talk freely
and honestly is when on Ecstacy.
New Year's Eve: I was nervous about coming up based on the last experience, so I decided to take only half a pill. That was 10pm. An hour later, I felt nothing and dropped the other half. It was only when we started to drive to the rave that I felt myself rushing just a little. But that was no surprise, as it takes me 2 pills for the effects to begin. It was 11:30 or midnight when I took the second pill, these pills were considered to be a '5' on a scale on 1 to 10. An hour after taking the second, I asked S for a third, who denied my request. He told me to wait a little longer, just in case. Not long later, I realized he was right.
I first noticed the effects had begun when I looked at the lights that were hanging from the walls. There were these blue outdoor LED lights, and my eyes were continually drawn back to them, they were so beautiful. Then I realized I was coming up. I was starting to feel great. The music was amazing, and I loved watching people dance. A series of events occur after this point, but I can't recall for sure what pill I was on during those times. I will do my best to be accurate.
S and I always part ways for a substantial portion of the raves we attend. There were four rooms, and I decided to explore them all. I kept returning to the room with the blue lights, where there was nothing but Jungle. That isn't my favourite, but there was something comforting in the room that kept drawing me back. Perhaps it was the lights. I think I had dropped my third pill at this point, so it must have been between 2 and 3am. I was sitting alone when this guy 'D' came over and sat with me. He began telling me of this horrible car crash he was in that resulted in him being paralyzed for some time. He eventually said screw that and decided to take his life and body back. Now he's strong and happy, and can walk or run anywhere he pleases. I told him of my being shot in the head, and the results. We were amazed with each others stories, and spent most of the night hanging out.
Then came the irresistible need to touch. Only I had never felt it this strong before. D and I were sitting facing each other and I was running my hands up and down his legs, his arms, playing with his hair. At one point I was rubbing his leg, and reached over to the girl sitting beside us and started running my fingers over her legs as well. Then I realized that I had no idea who she was and asked her if it was okay for me to be doing that. She said she didn't mind at all. My hands were moving on everyone around me, and as a result, we ended up forming a massage line, random people joining in because it looked so inviting. I absolutely loved giving massages, but D offered to give me one, and then I discovered how amazing it was to receive one. Touch had never felt like this before, and I was loving it.
I took my fourth pill around 4-4:30am. This was the first time I had ever gone beyond 3 pills in one night. When it kicked in, I had eye wiggles for the first time. Thankfully, unlike tracers during my last experience, I had heard of them before so I knew they were normal and not the possible onset of a seizure, so I knew I could enjoy them. And I did. I discovered a way to make them continue on for 5 to 10 seconds, marvelling at the tracers that followed them. It had a 3D effect, like when a show simulates an earthquake by making your tv screen 'shake', I would shake along with the eye wiggles. I was so disappointed when they began to stop.
S spent a lot of the end of the night sitting with me. Around 5 or 6am, I was still feeling wonderful, but could feel the urge to take a fifth pill. S didn't want me to, just in case something negative happened to me, so I didn't. We were sitting, S against the wall, me sitting facing him. I was all smiles, stroking his arms and face. I asked him how he was feeling, and he said he was really high. I looked at his face and despite how high I was, I could see he wasn't kidding. His eyes darted everywhere, and nothing about him looked even remotely sober. He said he was feeling nauseated. Not long after, we decided to leave.
At home, I realized I was wiped out. I also realized how long and hard I'd been grinding my teeth ALL night. I recalled how on my fourth pill, I had tried to keep my mouth open, and I could feel my jaw literally shaking because my muscles were trying so hard to clench down. I remember being amused at how high S looked when I felt sober. Anyone who has seen someone coming down off E knows that look. It can be a little scary to see the face of a person who's been messed up all night. At that point I went to the bathroom while S smoked a few bowls and tried to come down. In the bathroom, I got a fright. My reflection in the mirror was not what I was expecting. I looked high like S did, my eyes vacant, or something I can't explain. My face was contorted into a frown that I couldn't erase. I guess clenching for hours had put lines in my face that would take a day or so to relax. I did not look like myself at all.
The experience of seeing my face in the mirror was unnerving. I smoked a few bowls myself and headed for bed. S was already under the covers when I got there. He still had that look, his eyes darting at me, looking paranoid, even though he wasn't. The next thing that happened to me was when I tried to sleep. Even though I didn't feel like I was losing my mind, my thoughts were the strangest that I've ever experienced. When I'm falling asleep, my mind wanders of course, but my thoughts were so weird they were almost scary. For example, a man is a cd case who's trying to turn on a light by talking to a railroad which is a part of a mall that only sells lighters by climbing a tree..., etc. Nothing coherent whatsoever. I kept having to open my eyes to stop it from continuing, but when I closed my eyes again, another series of thoughts just as insane would begin. That happened for what I guess was probably an hour, at which point I finally fell asleep.
I remember thinking that I couldn't believe we deliberately do this to ourselves. Being high and coming down felt like the most unnatural thing in the world, which I guess it is. I couldn't understand why anyone would put a foreign substance into their bodies. All of these thoughts came from the fear of having seen my face in the mirror, how distorted it looked. I think my brain was a little fried at that point, after having ingested 4 pills, and I was experiencing a slight freak-out.
The next day was perfect though, except that for about a week, chewing was a painful process. I remembered what it was like to feel happy, and how wonderful it is to connect with other people. After working up the courage (which took a few months) I put myself into counselling. It was the best decision I ever made. And I have E to thank, and of course S, who is the best thing that ever happened to me. S brought me to the realization that I needed help, and E reminded me that it is possible to trust people, and that talking to others is one of the best things that a person can do to keep their mind healthy and happy.
Not once the entire night did I feel any real negative effects with regards to seizures or anything else. As usual, I kept myself, and everyone around me, hydrated. I am looking forward to my next E experience, which will either be in April at a rave for my birthday, or in July or August, alone with S in our home.
Remember to take care of your body and your mind, and each other. That's why we're here.
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