Citation: Hank. "Healing of My Soul/Mind: An Experience with MDMA (Ecstasy) (exp61621)". Erowid.org. Mar 24, 2008. erowid.org/exp/61621
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I was 17 and was miserable. Because of the way I was raised by my step father, getting locked up for stupid behavior and refusing to talk or show emotion I was a wreck. I was insecure and was so confused about my world and everything in it. I had this horrible twitch due to a horrible feeling in my body that had been going on for over 10 years. I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder as well with OCD and horrible insomnia. My whole life was basically taking one day at a time and praying almost everyday for answers on why I was so miserable.
I was 16 when I started in the drug culture. I had smoked weed before, but eventually started experimenting with drugs. I had lost all my friends from moving around so much. I only had a few people who I started hanging out with regularly, because I stopped hanging out with the “Bad group” of people I met and due to my high anxiety. Eventually as I grew more and more depressed, I had herd that drugs such as mushrooms or LSD could change one's perspective on life and cause life changing experiences. I was desperate to talk to my God, or live through whatever experience that would give me answers to help myself. My drug use grew more and more as I waited to get my hands on some mushrooms. Deep down me was self medicating as well as experimenting, as I awaited the day that I would find the answer to why I was in pain. I wasn’t sure if drugs would help me. Maybe they wouldn’t. However drugs or not I was still waiting for something to come along to help me out.
My friend’s and I were starting to experiment with different drugs. Ecstasy was never on my “List of Drugs” to try. I tried some shitty E pills before and noticed nothing more then “Controlled” Euphoria. Because of my friend being prescribed on Xanax he was quite “generous” with his bank account. Anyway he purchased a decent amount of ecstasy and was eager to try them.
By the time my “Special Day” Arrived I was a wreck. I hadn’t slept well in weeks. I was depressed and miserable by my chronic mood swings. I felt like shit and deep down wished someone would kill me. I was traumatized by Christianity as a child and vowed never to kill myself in fear of going to hell. However I did plan to join the marines so I could either gain a reason to live, or end my life in an honorable way, (Deep down I just wanted to get killed). I don’t remember what day it was exactly, but I will never forget how the day went or the pills that would change my life forever. It was just me and my friend “Z” that day. He pulled out the bag of “Green Fu” Pills and we headed to the beach to get ready for whatever lay ahead. Deep down I didn’t care. I didn’t even think what was going to happen was going to shock me. I ate 2 Pills and 25 min later my friend asked me if I wanted 1 more. Normally I would have been afraid of overdose, or perma frying myself. The last thought through my head was “O well if I die today, then it looks like I'm going to die on ecstasy”. I just didn’t give a fuck anymore.
We were walking on the strand and we stumbled upon a “Datura” Plant. This made me smile because I had always been curious about finding Datura and the plants effects. I just thought I was awesome on how I actually found it. We stared at the Datura plant for about 5 min then continued walking……………
I can’t explain the peak, because there was none. I can’t explain the feeling because there are no words. But I will never forget the first time I “Really” felt ecstasy. It truly was amazing. I was in a state of heaven that no one can imagine. My problems were all there, however it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered except how amazing this feeling was. Deep down I was scared at what was taking place. I had never taken any substance quite like this. My hearing began to get messed up. I couldn’t tell which direction sounds were coming from. Even though I was scared I was amazed. I Remember asking my friend “Is this what heaven is like?” I can’t describe the beauty I saw that day on the beach. I was talking with my friend and just wanted to communicate. I loved talking to him and I felt closer to him then my mother and father combined.
I don’t remember which topic was brought up first. However once I started on 1 topic that was on my mind, I then talked about another, then another, and soon I was talking about everything I ever feared in the world and in my life. I talked about my insecurities, I talked about my family, I shared every single fear I had. I talked about my past, the times I was betrayed, and the times I was let down. I was basically sharing information so personal that he now knows 95% of everything about me.
Once it ended I gave him a hug. I was amazed at how much I could relate to another human and how others were also going through similar struggles themselves. I checked myself into therapy and my life has never been the same. My twitch was practically gone and I never felt better. The next day I was so depressed but it was the greatest depression of my life. I remember no one being home and just falling on the floor into tears for being so thankful for my experience that I had. Every time I think about that day I want to cry and can’t explain my gratitude for Ecstasy, my friend who helped me out, and the period I was allowed to take a 5 hour walk inside heaven.
My new life goal isn’t to get killed anymore, or follow some religion. I now am actively involved in therapy and my new life goal is to obtain inner peace within myself. The once brute guy who shaved his head, and wore tank tops is no more. I’ve grown my hair out, and started being myself. Everyone that knows me sees the change and I love the sensitive guy I really am. Even though I was suffering for over 10 years I now believe that it will help bring balance to my sensitive side, and will eventually allow me to gain stronger control of my mind as I handle my problems and emotions “The right way”. I’m no longer Bi-Polar and it turns out the disorder was caused by GAD and my racing thought patterns. Now I’m learning to deal and face anxiety, along with depression to help heal my mind.
Ecstasy showed me the pieces to the puzzle. It’s up to my to put the pieces together.
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