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Falling in and Out of Love With It
MDMA (Ecstasy)
by MadTurnip
Citation:   MadTurnip. "Falling in and Out of Love With It: An Experience with MDMA (Ecstasy) (exp61789)". Erowid.org. Jun 27, 2018. erowid.org/exp/61789

 
DOSE:
  oral MDMA

BODY WEIGHT: 180 lb


The first time that I took E I was going to my high school prom in 1999 and either it was so weak or such bunk E that I didn't feel anything pleasurable aside from what one might feel from a strong caffeine pill. I never was curious to try it again until I visited my girlfriend in Boston where she went away for college and she had managed to obtain 2 pills, which we took in her dorm room.

I felt like there was nothing in the world that could bother me or hurt me and we both made amazing love. It was the ultimate anti-depressant and all the things and people who pushed me down were destroyed by the amazing feeling which swarmed all over me. It felt like there was nothing anyone could say that would make me to believe exstasy wasn't what its name implied and certainly not dangerous in the least.

After that episode I always asked her if she could get some when I would visit her and eventually I found a dealer in NY who would provide me with what I craved. Before I go further I would like to make it clear that I always suffered from depression ever since I was a child and treated it in various ways, primarily alcohol thus for me E was the ultimate answer for if not permanent at least temporary relief of my depression.

My dealer became my best friend. I started rolling every once in a while when I would go out. Then I started rolling a couple times a week. I would just trip by myself in Union Square and just loved it, before I would head to a random club. My grades dropped drastically. I started lying to my parents about what classes I was enrolled in. I crashed my car twice (thank god for airbags). I went from an honor student to talking my way out of getting kicked out of college by the skin of my teeth. I broke up with my girlfriend.

I could never go out without having at least one hit of 'E' hopefully 4. My tolerance grew so I needed at least 4 to get high and usually wouldn't go out if I didn't. I became a sociable person with no barriers when I was high. I when I am myself sober I am shy and an introvert, I wouldn't want to hang out with myself sober. I was rolling so often that my friends just accepted it as part of my personality and often didn't realize how hard I was rolling. I had great times in the city but often didn't remember them. I drove hundreds of times drunk and on E and to this day thank God that I didn't kill anyone.

MDMA is a powerful drug and people often understimate it in terms of its potential for addictiveness. Eventually it lost its effect. I suffer massive mood swings even though I've stopped taking it over 2 years ago to this day. I have had suicidal thoughts for no reason whatsoever because of it. I have lost alot because of it and feel that others should know its harmful side-effects. I realize that in moderation it seems harmless and it most likely is but I should have stayed away, as I have an addictive personality.

MDMA in-itself is not what made me crash and burn but it definitely didn't help and it made the trip down alot faster and harder.

Exp Year: 2007ExpID: 61789
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: Not Given 
Published: Jun 27, 2018Views: 579
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MDMA (3) : Addiction & Habituation (10), Depression (15), Retrospective / Summary (11), Alone (16)

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