Citation: MacExistence. "It's All One Giant Epic Game: An Experience with Savlia divinorum (20x extract) (exp61949)". Erowid.org. Sep 21, 2008. erowid.org/exp/61949
(Okay, to start, I'm a bit overweight, but generally healthy, have had mild asthma in the past, chemical addiction is present in family background, depression noted in personal history, and one case of mild self-induced psychosis from anxiety. I have been doing psychoactives since 2002-2003, starting after the age of 18, started with pot, then to mush (up to high doses), datura, morning glory, have experienced 2CE (once, post trip), LSD (post this trip), DXM, and MDMA on several occasions. I have also experimented with mixing/combining some of aforementioned.
I had tried Salvia within a year before this trip, two times, both 10x extract. Both times were actually quite uncomfortable, not totally leaving my body, though loosing track of this reality for moments, but feeling intense salvia gravity, only on the front my body/skin, and the gravity was more like a force field pushing on my front side, and the force field was made of the same thing pins 'n' needles are, like when my leg falls asleep, except a fair bit more painful/uncomfy. It caused me to sweat profusely, and filled me with some type of fear that only Salvia can produce, beyond any other experience I've had to this day. Otherwise it would fade into a somehow familiar feeling, similar to deja vu, but more like a psychic suspiciousness, eventually into a mild stony pot feeling, ending within an hour.
As for this trip, I was particularly excited to try it. My friend, who had had an intense 20x experience once in the past, wanted to see if anyone of our group (5 of us) could get an experience similar to the one he had. So he purchased a vial, and offered it to anyone up for it. I took this as a sign, as I had not done any real psychoactives for maybe a month, and was again searching for some kind of new experience/light. Since this was the 20x I was quite sure I would totally get the full effects, plus there were some others in the group interested in trying a milder extract, and I offered to show them what it was like to have the full experience, from a third party anyway. Everyone agreed, and off we went to the Japanese garden. It was a mildly warm day, sparse clouds, mid afternoon.
In the garden we went onto the dock that sits over the pond, and actually met a couple other acquaintances there. Everyone (now about 9-10 people I think) sat in front of me in a half-circle, and I packed my metal pipe with the whole vial. I kind of remembered how the feeling would creep up for a second, and then rush intensely into my body even before the smoke left my lungs, so I sat quietly for a moment trying to collect/prep myself. Though in retrospect I remember being actually quite antsy, and the anxiety was mixing with my excitement. This was all before I learned how to actually meditate and I can now say that my mind was racing even before we got to the garden.
I inhaled the smoke, as much as I could, and swallowed a couple gulps of air into my lungs for good measure. Held it in for maybe 15-20 seconds before I felt the first sensations putting pressure on the top of my legs, and somewhere deep inside my head and chest. Another 3-5 seconds go by, and I get a bit scared at how intense it's feeling, and I try to blow the smoke out, but I don't actually remember doing it. I only remember thinking 'Oh shit, you've done it now!' and trying to remember to lie back if I had to. Now there was a moment of blackness that I honestly have no memory of, except the fact that it seemed to last for eternity, and it was black.
Somehow I sort of fell out of this space, as if I was lying on some kind of jelly sheet, stretching, and suddenly braking with my weight and me passing through it. Then the view in front of me, the basic box view that our eyes perceive, suddenly blasted away, as if I was looking back at the mouth of a cannon I was just shot from. It kept going and going, and all around this little box of colour (I couldnít distinguish anything in it, as it was moving away way too fast) was a giant empty void, not really black, just sort of no-thing. I totally felt as if my body was this giant void surrounding that box, which by now was just a tiny dot.
Then after again what seemed like near eternity, the box shot back towards me, except it split into long horizontal pillars of light. With the void in-between them, and the pillars flashing across my vision from right to left. At that same time, the perception of my body went from being that huge void, to being trapped in a small container actually about the size of my head, which was very confusing, and confining, as if I was forced in it. And I remember as the first pillar flashed from right to left (Imagine a wall in front of you of stripes, about 18 inches away, each stripe is about 12 inches wide, one stripe being full of light, the next being void, the next being full of light, then void, and etc), it seemed to stop and take over my perception.
Suddenly I was in an entirely new world, I donít recall what this world was, only that it was very frightening, and it seemed to last a lifetime, and still had the sensation of being trapped in a little box the size of my head. It literally felt like it was going on a hundred years. It was just flashing random lights, of non-distinguishable colours. And suddenly it flashed back outwards into a pillar and disappeared, the next pillar of light coming up, and taking me into its world now.
This world I do remember, and I think this is where I finally did lie back, still cross legged, because it felt like I was on a bed, or table, and as I looked up there were your typical mainstream big headed aliens looking over me, and experimenting on me. They were grey, and had large black eyes. Iím not sure they had mouths, but they seemed to be communicating to each other. Again this perceived world inside this pillar/frame seemed to again last a lifetime, and it was beyond frightening. Somehow it felt like each frame/pillar was one moment of thought, yet during the perception of being in the pillar/frame it felt as though I was able to think normally. And all I thought about was where I was, who I was, what these aliens where doing to me, that there was something utterly wrong here, and that I wanted to go back home. Wherever and whatever my perception of home was at that time.
And then again, that frame flung away, and the next slid into perception. Now here I am not really sure what happened, because all I remember is seeing what looked sort of like stars, or maybe that fuzzy TV signal. There was almost no feelings or emotions, and my only thought was sort of just confusion. Yet there as a lingering sensation of being in trapped in that box the size of my head, but it somehow was becoming familiar, and acceptable. And here also it seemed to last a hundred years.
This frame flung away as well, and at this point I think I was sitting up, because as the next frame came into existence I could see my friendsí faces. But they werenít my friends. I recognized them as people I knew, but they were not my friends in this reality. The only girl there, who I will call A, was sitting right in front of me, and I do remember her face, except it wasnít her, the face was like hers, but she was a queen sitting on some huge throne, and the rest of the faces around her were all lords and knights, and laughing at me, and pointing. The queen gave me a deep stare, and then began laughing at me as well, pointing at me. I totally felt like I was standing before an old courtroom in the middle ages, and I was being punished for something I had done. It was utterly embarrassing, scary, and completely uncomfortable. A mix between some kind of mass embarrassment that the whole school had gotten to see, with a fear of some higher respected figure condemning me to eternal damnation.
After about a hundred years of that, the next frame came along, and this by far was the worst one. It seemed to coincide with the previous frame, and again, all these familiar faces where around me, looking at me with evil grins, and torturing me while I sat/laid on some table. Again I felt like I was being shoved into this small box the size of my head, but I was too big, and yet somehow I was actually being forced into it. They were also cutting into me with knives and blades, and saws, and stretching my arms and legs, laughing and snarling. Even writing this now sends a chill through me. It was the most emotionally and physically painful experience I could ever imagine. Even beyond my imagination. I donít even know how to begin describing its suffering. It would be my absolute definition of Hell, just maybe different characters.
Once more, a hundred years or so pass by of this, and I am flung into what I think was basically the last frame/pillar. It came over me slower this time, and the pain and suffering from the last one seemed to linger in this reality, instead of this reality having/creating its own kind of suffering. And now before me was people I knew, friends in fact, and they again were all laughing and pointing at me, as if some huge trick had been played on me, that reality itself was some kind of stupid trick, and everyone was in on it, and I was the stupidest person alive and as this frame continued that kind of Ďtrick being played on meí feeling spread over the entire experience, and it was as if the void, the aliens, the kings and queens, the torturers and now my friends, who I recognized as my friends but still had no idea who they were, or who I was, where all in on this game, this giant trick.
Now here again, I canít even begin to describe the sensation of this feeling. As if the whole universe was one giant trick, illusion pulled over my eyes, that I was really unbounded universal energy, and somehow was forced into this small mind to play out this ridiculous game while everyone else was in on it, and knew all along. It was utterly embarrassing, terrifying, and horrible, and redundant. There was really no physical sensation of pain, but that feeling somehow flooded out, and that idea permeated the whole experience, my whole life even.
This lasted maybe what felt like 30 years or so. And then I began to really recognize who these people where, I looked away from A and over to my best friend, who Iíll call C, and I finally was like ďOh my god, I know you! Save me please, oh god save me!Ē which sounded perfectly audible to me, but I later learned that I just mumbled and drooled the whole trip. But anyway, C gave me this look that seemed like he was sorry, as if he was almost going to cry, that this trick was a big mistake, and he was sorry for it, and I almost felt like crying, I became very sad and confused.
As another few years went by, which I guess were really seconds now, time sort of returned to normal, and reality pixelized into focus. The faces where pretty clear but everything around where my direct focus was, was very blurry and incomprehensible. I suddenly remembered who C was, and then the memories of my entire life slammed into me in one instant, and I then remembered that I had just taken Salvia. I leaned over very uncomfortably (I was drenched in sweat), and I couldnít stop thinking ďWhy the hell am I not in my bed? Wasnít this all just a dream? No I did salvia, why the hell am I not in my bed?Ē And that seemed to continue a few loops in my mind. I then looked up at A and C and everyone else, and C offered me my pipe again, and said something along the lines that there was still salvia in it and that I had dropped it. I couldnít believe he had offered me the pipe, and I wanted to smack it out of his hand, or smack him in the face for even thinking such a thing, but then realized he had no idea what I had gone through.
I very slowly collected my thoughts to the point of being able to direct them again, and rested on my hands and knees for a moment, as everyone got up. I still was in shock as to why I wasnít in my bed right now, even though I knew that didnít make any sense. Coming out of the experience kind of reminded me of waking up from a nightmare, I just wanted to turn over and hug my pillow and try to forget it. Eventually I stood up, and was just awfully awestruck. Everyone asked if I was okay, and one of the acquaintances we met there said he knew exactly what I had gone through. Somehow I doubt that, but I could tell he seemed to at least know the degree of fear I felt, as he had done 20x like this before. The friend that bought the salvia (Iíll call him J) said right after I breathed it in, he felt a huge energy shockwave pulse out from around me. J and I had had a great mush experience, the trip I had before this (we shared a 9g stem), and I think our connection was still there, because everyone else only said they might have felt some kind of energy wave. C said he noticed it too though.
Anyway, the original group was going to head over to Aís and offered me to come, but I was still quite in shock, and still heavily inundated with the whole trick being played on me feeling, so I just decided to head home, and really try to come to grips with what happened, as still it totally felt like I had been gone for lifetimes. By the time I actually got to my bed, I was pretty much baseline, had a bit of a head stone, and was still filled with that feeling, but the drug was nil. This was maybe 40-45 minutes after inhalation.
As for now, there have been times on mush, lsd, and even pot where I get a feeling like the whole universe is conspiring, not against me, but not exactly with me. So not exactly a feeling of the universe playing a giant trick on me, but still somewhere within view of that sensation. And yet since then Iíve had times (like the 9g mush trip with J) where my connection to people has become so noticed, that I am aware of how I am controlling their responses/creating this reality with my thoughts. But still, itís as if there is something beyond me that is controlling even my own sense of control. And now after watching the movies Mirror Mask, and A Scanner Darkly, I canít help but think that God, or the Universe is playing a trick on itself, and we are the manifestation of that trick, and somewhere along the lines in the near future, something very epic and personally meaningful is going to happen, for all of us. Something greater then death itself. Salvia has shown me something greatly powerful, and despite the intensity of the suffering in this trip, I will experiment with Salvia extract again, and hopefully I will be more prepared to handle the sudden launch into dimensional reality.
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