Citation: Alexis. "I Turned the Food Signal Off: An Experience with Amphetamines (Adderall) (exp62062)". Erowid.org. Sep 23, 2007. erowid.org/exp/62062
I recently acquired a prescription for adderall, a substance which I have had many months of positive and very negative experiences with. I just took 40 mg about twenty minutes ago, and I'm already recognizing the coming euphoria. It starts at the head, a small tingling effect, and I become more alert of my surroundings. As the alertness intensifies, so does my desire to just do something, anything. But the part of adderall I got most addicted to, and still struggle with, is the massive appetite suppression.
I struggled with my weight when I was in elementary school and junior high, and my obsession with weight and getting thinner began around seventh grade. Although I never really bothered to do much about it, I thought about my weight constantly. The years went by, and nothing eventful happened. I got progressively more and more depressed, and instead of working out or trying to eat healthier, I used food as a coping mechanism. I just couldn't figure out how to flip that switch in my head to turn the 'FOOD' signal off. It was then, in eleventh grade, that I discovered adderall.
The first time I tried it, I really hadn't meant to. I was sitting alone in a hallway, and a girl came up to me and just started talking to me. She later told me she was on adderall at the time, which makes the very sociable behavior understandable. I glared at her all the while, wondering why she was talking to me. I then asked, sarcastically, if she had any 'uppers.' She laughed and said 'Actually, yes I do.' She pulled out a pretty little prescription bottle and popped two 20mg, peach colored adderall into my hand. 'Down those with a coke. You'll feel better.' she promised. She was right.
The rush came quickly, as I hadn't eaten anything so far that day. Again, it was the tingling sensation first, crawling down my body. Then it was the increased awareness of my surroundings, almost like I hadn't seen colors before, and all of a sudden such wonderful colors were everywhere around me. Imagine a blind man suddenly being able to see. I smiled constantly, and babbled with her to no end. We virtually competed for who could talk about the most random things the fastest. It was such a wonderful, euphoric rush. I suddenly thought to myself, wow, this is what it's like to be normal. Not quite.
As the high continued, I noticed my thoughts of food completely subsided. Not only did they subside, but when I thought of food, the thoughts merely grossed me out. This had never happened before. I asked Leslie, my 'best' friend by this point, if she received that effect from it. 'Yeah, but I just smoke some weed to offset it.' I wondered why the hell would you want to offset the feeling that food doesn't control your life. I bummed about six more pills off of her before the end of the day. Her doctor had prescribed her a bottle of 120x 20mg pills, to be taken 4x daily. She said she rarely took more than 2 a day, and she was more than happy to supply me with my little, peach appetite killers. My obsession began.
To make matters worse, as I began to lose weight, which started almost immediately. I virtually stopped eating, consuming less than 400 calories a day. People would compliment me. 'Wow Lex, you look great. Keep it up!' etc. I loved it, and it gave me a feeling of power. The feeling of power, combined with the powerful euphoric feelings the adderall gave me, I quickly started becoming a different person. I wore my hair differently, I dressed sexier, and I tried harder to fit in. When I'd gone from 155 lbs down to 130, I decided that I was done using some girl for my adderall. I wanted it myself.
I convinced a psychiatrist that I had a horrible case of ADHD, and that adderall was the only drug for me. It was my 'savior.' Ironic how this term can be applied in so many ways. I thought I was finally saved from my weight obsessions and the constant weigh-ins with myself, the endless lists of foods I made during the day that I would eat later, the limitless combinations (never above 400-600 calories!) that I could eat. However, something strange happened when I got the adderall for myself. It was no longer enjoyable for me. In fact, it became like a burden, and a my obsession with getting thinner rose, so did my doses of adderall.
I started taking the 60mg a day I was prescribed, along with two to three more 20mg pills per day that I would get from Leslie. The euphoric rush was gone after about two months, and the only reason I took adderall was to control my weight. I really thought I was in control, but in reality, my weight, and the adderall, were controlling me.
I'd first used adderall in early October of 2006, and by that christmas, I was down from 155 pounds to 120. I am 5'9', and 120 was a low weight for a girl my height. People stopped commenting positively on my weight, and started advising me to 'eat up' over the holiday. My family in particular was worried. They were completely oblivious to my obsession, however, and I was fine with that.
I won't detail the following 3 months, but they happened pretty much as follows. I continued to take adderall, and started almost eating less than I was before. By late February I was down to a mere 100 pounds, a nice 'even' number I'd decided on. But I wasn't happy. In fact, I was miserable. My misery surprised me, and I was mad at myself for not being more content with the 'progress' I had made. In March 2007, my parents finally figured it out, and took the adderall away. Now, here I am, once again taking adderall, this time illegally, and wondering where I'll go next. I'm up to 125 pounds now, but I still obsess, with or without the adderall.
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