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Me, the Universe and Ecstasy
by Suze
Citation:   Suze. "Me, the Universe and Ecstasy: An Experience with MDMA (exp62700)". Mar 16, 2008.

T+ 0:00
1 tablet oral MDMA
  T+ 0:30 1 tablet oral MDMA
I had my third X experience while on a houseboat in Lake Powell, Utah last week . My first experience, as a 48 year old woman (though one who remains young at heart) opened the door to myself, the second was more superficial, this third plunged me far, far down into the depths of myself, where the universe and I were one. And now, a week later while the the moon is out, my brain is tuned in again (I've awakened with a powerful dream at 3 am) - thoughts flow so readily I'm afraid they'll dissipate if I don't write them down.

I was the only one to take the X, the first time I'd been with a friend who acted as my sitter a year and a half ago, the second time, one year ago, my husband and I each took one. This time both my husband and friend were present, as were two other couples and although I had X enough for the others, I was the only one who wanted to have the experience. It was one of the adventures I was most looking forward to during the main adventure of the boat trip. But due to various problems handling a boat the size we rented, the mix of personalities and such, no one else shared my interest although I ultimately decided that was not going to deter me.

As I knew I was going to be taking the X in the early evening, so I could lay out under the stars, I had little for dinner - a couple of bites of ravioli around 6 before taking two X tablets an hour later. (I routinely take a multivitamin, fish oil, gingko and cinnamon supplements in the mornings and I keep my weight at around 128 for my 5'3' frame). I'd taken two X, in divided doses a half hour apart or so the first time, one the second in what I called an 'X light' experience. This experience was anything but light.

I laid down on the couch while I felt the X grip hold of me about a half hour later when I noticed a light haze surrounding my husband and friends when I glanced at them. I then began to feel my heart pump volumes and a surge of internal warmth that left my outer body shivering. As I warmed up I could feel everyone's breath - but it was all out of sync and I attempted to get everyone to breathe in unison with one another. I didn't sense that was working and felt a little disappointed. How unifying it would have been to breathe together - to share our goodness with one another so readily.

I remembered my intent when I took the pills - the desire to be open to what the universe had to offer, to be the recipient of the energy She had to share. After asking my husband to put out our sleeping bag on the upper deck, I made my way up there, it must have been with some assistance but I don't recall. All I know is when I laid down and gazed up at the moon, I was completely transfixed by the moonbeams - beams that started out as two jutting downward, expanding to two jutting upward, upward, downward for miles and miles until they reached further and further, ultimately touching down, anointing my heart and filling my soul with such power, such energy, such force and love it was overwhelming.

As I voiced my amazement and appreciation of the moon's gift, the moon divided into two - two separate but equally powerful spheres that now had countless moonbeams shooting forth - upwards and downwards - what a gift! I never thought I could see infinity but there it was before me. Light, and knowledge and wonder, filling me and warming me and telling me of the greatness that's out there - of me, of us, of our ancestors, of this amazing unity we share. There were faces in the moon - so many faces, but I honestly didn't feel as if I was hallucinating because there were voices that went with those faces that changed and blended - individual voices speaking in unison - not aloud, but to my heart, to my soul. I listened, I repeated, I learned.

At one point all the people who were on the houseboat were up on the deck with me, but it upset me when a couple of them talked - as if they were interupting the flow of what the universe had to say and when they did it broke down the communication and I felt this was too great to break. But when I tried to explain that and they laughed, I admonished them - this is no laughing matter, I insisted. I'm not a freak show - this is real and it bothered me they showed no appreciation of it. I'd been warned by my friend that could happen but that was of no consequence to me - this is what I wanted to do, this is what I needed to hear and I wouldn't let anyone interupt the flow.

Two friends apparently remained on deck, but they were so silent and respectful and I was, and am, so grateful to them for that. I didn't know they were there and at one point, after I asked my husband to lay beside me in the sleeping bag as I tried to tell him what I was hearing (he didn't understand, he's not open to this realm but supports my interest and openess and of course for that I love him but would so love to share this spiritual awe with him), I sat up and asked, 'Who are those people?'. I said it calmly because I didn't want to show my fear, which was that they were death! Truly, that's what they looked like - I thought of twin Grim Reapers! I figured, 'OK, two moons to shed their knowledge, two grim reapers to carry me to my grave!'. Oh shit. Was something so beautiful going to end this way? Of course not, I reassured myself. I could differentiate was was real and what was my imagination - the universe was real, death was only my friends playing a joke on me!

Shortly thereafter, I tried to go down and join my husband in sleep in our cabin. But as tired as I was feeling (and although I thought I might feel vaguely sensual as I think I had the prior two times, that was not on my mind as we knew from the beginning we weren't going to engage in any lovemaking on this trip, it would be too hard to keep such sounds private), my mind kept listening, hearing things to which I could only nod and remain silent. I was so open to hearing what was being said, I had to write some things down once I returned to the deck where I could hear clearer. This continued until just past sunrise. It was as if once the moon had set and the sun arose I was placed in different hands.

Included in what I jotted down that night: You don't have to understand it, just feel it and say it and let it go.....There's nothing to be afraid of, just say it and let it go.....You can't always go searching for it, it will come to you, you can't go to it.....Sometimes the timing is wrong--save it and let it go.....When you get it and feel it and know it it's scary because you don't know what to do with it so you give it away.....Somethings you can take with you and they will grow.....Don't play with the energy, use the energy in a positive way.....Like the boat, change its course if it's heading in the wrong direction.....Open and it will come to you....You can't read it, there's no secret, it's not always for you but you know there's another way....There's no right or wrong but the answer was here all along.....Go with the flow and it will come to you in time....You can take it and let it grow and you can give it away.....When the universe is here to give it to you, take it and give it away.....You can't always say it, you have to feel it....take it, feel it, love it and give it away....You can feel it, it's the universe spinning around.....take it and give it and let it go.....

Something profoundly deep and personal happened during that last experience. I did it alone which kind of bothered me but there was a reason for it, there's a reason for everything. That's what the universe told me, it did tell me and I trust it to be so. The universe that's within and the universe that surrounds. I understand not everyone can tap into the vibration but it's undeniably there and it's more than the law of attraction. Whatever it is is so real and powerful and absolute. It allowed me some indedpendence, some self-reliance.

Sometimes when the going gets rough it's easy to revert back to when I was young, like my parent's attitude of 'it's a tough world out there, let us handle it for you'. But I can handle it because it handles me - it handles me so gently yet strongly and I can take it and use it and give it back. I understand the pleasure of giving back. It's not from a need to be liked - it's from liking the need. But sometimes it's just so pleasurable to take it and let it bathe me and caress me in such a deep, flowing, generous way that no one or nothing else possibly could. It's such a gift from the universe and I'm here to accept it and treasure it and keep it my own until I can share it, in whatever way I can. Sometimes there are such restraints on that sharing but there's got to be a way.

I've read how the mystics and sages knew it and felt it too. It's in Kabbalah - it's all a process of Godding and how we can all do it because we all have it in us, if only we could all sense it and trust it. And Tantrikas know it, too, they practice what I was told, what I felt and sensed and breathed and knew, that night under the moon, and the stars and the loving gaze of the universe. Because we contain the universe within ourselves. It's namaste: I honor that place in you where the entire universe resides, I honor that place in you where, if you are in that place in you and I am in that place in me, there is only one of us. The Sufi mystic Rumi knew it - when I first read his poems I knew what he was saying and from where he was feeling it and I felt that connection that spanned thousands of years. This spans thousands of years, but thousands of years mean nothing because this knowledge transcends time. Time is irrelevant. There is no time but now and now is happening all the time.

I'm so grateful I had this last experience at night under the stars. I can say things and hear things at night I can't during the day. I feel so connected it's as if the gravitational pull is so much stronger when there are no distractions. When the universe is here for me. And I can ride the flow like the moon controls the tides.

I've learned this much is true: the Moon allows me to be who I am. The Sun reminds me of who I can become.

There's so much the Universe has to offer, Ecstasy allowed me to see what was there all along.

Exp Year: 2007ExpID: 62700
Gender: Female 
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Mar 16, 2008Views: 6,301
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MDMA (3) : Nature / Outdoors (23), Glowing Experiences (4), Alone (16)

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