Citation: Imperfect Human. "Don't Drink While Depressed: An Experience with Alcohol (Everclear) (exp6327)". Erowid.org. Feb 18, 2002. erowid.org/exp/6327
I'm in the local high schools pep band. in other words, i was part of the band in the stands at basketball games that plays 'louie louie' and 'iron man' over and over. Sure it was lame, but it was also pretty fun.
So one night before the game, a fellow pep band member and i drank a bit and did some nitrous, since my parents were out of town. He had only one shot of what we had (Everclear, which is 190 proof) but i had maybe 3 or four. I handle alcohol very well, so I wasn't too worried. I was still drunk though. So we got to the game and started playing with the rest of the band. I was having some trouble playing because of the alcohol, but not too much. By the half I wasn't even drunk anymore. After the game was over, the bass player and the other drummer and I decided to jam for a bit. Then the bass player found a microphone and plugged it in and we set it up in front of me. We began to play a song I wrote, and I started to sing. Some of the people in the crowd were really digging it (it is a good song) but a bunch of people, 99% of which were male football players, hated it. Most of these people hated me anyway. They decided that the best way to get us to stop was by throwing things at me, which they did with vigor. I was starting to get really pissed, and i started improving lyrics indicating the stupidity of the crowd. Man, was I pissed.
After that we all packed up cuz i was so angry. I fumed, ranted, and raved about how much I hated everybody. I said some incredibly mean things to my friends which I later regretted. All of my friends were really shocked at my behaviour and at the things I was saying. And I'm an asshole naturally, always saying mean things, and this shocked even them, who knew my attitudes better than anybody. Anyway, we left and I got dropped off at my house. I was less angry now, but had become incredibly depressed. My parents were still gone, so I said 'what the hell' and started drinking. I drank about four shots in five minutes, then started watching TV. Over the course of the next 45 minutes i drank five more shots of Everclear. This would be the equivalent of drinking 18 shots of an 80 proof liquor such as Vodka. I only weigh 153 lbs., so I got really really really drunk. The next four hours were a blur.
I was watching TV but not really paying attention. At random times I would start crying pathetically, and other times i would fly into a blind rage. I was also talking to myself a lot.I was mostly just babbling about how bad life was and how shitty other people are. After awhile i turned of the TV and put in a videotape called 'Closure' which is a tape containing all of Nine Inch Nails' music videos, and some live stuff. I was enjoying it a lot, except during one video('gave up') i saw Trent Reznor(NIN guy) make a face while singing that reflected all the pain and hate i was feeling right then. In a way it was a beautiful moment. I felt so connected with him and the lyrics and also the music. It all seemed more important and mooving than it ever had before.
So I kept watching, but I was getting more and more depressed. I was lying on the floor, babbling to myself and crying while watching the video, when i started to cut myself with my pocket knife. Not very deeply, but enough to draw some blood. I also cut a hole in my pants while trying to stab myself. Man I was freaking out. I was pathetic, and I realized it, which made me even more depressed. I had a million little cuts on my left arm, two on my right arm, and a bunch of big deep long ones on my stomach.
The next thing I knew it was next morning. I had no hangover, but I was very tired and still feeling depressed. My parents had gotten home late that night to find the house in perfect condition. Apparently, even while incredibly drunk i was responsible. I had apparently cleaned the whole house and hidden all the contraband during that time I couldn't remember. I took a shower and looked at my cuts. I wore a long sleeved sweatshirt until the ones on my arms healed. Luckily, most of my cuts healed without scarring. I have two or three barely noticeable scars on my arms now, though, and one or two on my stomach. What I did that night was stupid. I drank so much for my body weight that i could have died quite easily. Luckily i didn't, though at the time i didn't much care. Let this be a warning to you not to drink alone while under extreme mental duress, especially while depressed. I hope this was helpful, or at least interesting.
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