Citation: Travis. "The Magic Pill: An Experience with Amphetamines (Adderall) & Various (exp63974)". Erowid.org. Apr 15, 2010. erowid.org/exp/63974
To introduce my self properly, my name is Travis. I am 19 years old and I turn 20 in 6 days. I'm working on my second year in college at a private university in Houston, and I plan on being a Psychology major. Drug wise, I've smoked a lot of pot for a total of about a year now, and I've only done 2 tabs of ectasy, and about 3 lines of coke. I'm not really big on anything but Adderall and Pot.
I have always been 'gifted in intelligence'. I put that in quotes because it's just been something I've been told since I entered into a public school system. I was reading chapter books by late kindergarten, I was in a 'gifted and talented' based classroom since 3rd grade, and I have always taken every AP class that I could.
However, in Jr. High, my Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), my favorite and most defining trait, set in really hard, not to mention me coming to terms with my homosexuality. I have obsessive thoughts, small rituals, and a general desire to be in control, because I know how to do things right. I was ultimately depressed and distracted from the things that matter, therefore my grades dropped 6-feet-under. I recovered a little after my Freshmen year, but I was never an all-A student after Jr. High.
My energy level was always low, I was always sleeping and my mom of course noticed and started talking about taking me to a therapist. I didn't play video games anymore, I didn't read anymore, and I didn't hang out with my friends so much anymore. I was sad, which is something I deal with off and on. She found out by accident, later, that I was gay, and so that was also a strong deciding factor in the medical attention I was starting to receive. (Be sure to clean your web-page history after looking at porn!) The doctor told me I was fine, that there was nothing wrong with being gay, which I knew, and I was prescribed Zoloft to help lift me out of my depression.
I can never say that ANY anti-depressant that I have ever taken has ever worked for me, but my mom was assured and so I didn't mind. I just pretended I was straight for a long time, I'm not particularly flamboyant, and that was that. After she found out that I was truly gay (I told her on my own accord), she got over the whole 'you're going to hell thing' (we're a very Catholic family) and now she doesn't think anything is wrong with me at all. I'm glad for that. However, she did insist that I was still depressed so I returned to my psych and he asked me how I felt. I told him I felt like there was not enough time, and he then told me what I spent my time doing.
The one most defining feature of OCD is how I know what I'm doing is ridiculous, but unless I want to have any peace of mind, I need to fulfill my self-assigned duty of completing my tasks, such as frequent hand washing and sanitizing, thinking about starving children and how horrendous poverty is, wondering if I did something horrible that I don't remember, etc. My mind is my worst enemy, but I can't say that my OCD is something I wish I didn't have. My anal-retentiveness and Type A personality are quite charming to me, and I don't think I would be completely me without them. But my psych gave me Seroquel to relieve me of my disorder.
In small doses Seroquel is used to treat Anxiety Disorders and Insomnia. In high doses it's used to treat Schizophrenia. The best way I can describe the effects of the medicine is it's like taking 10 xanax. There is no way I can not sleep while taking Seroquel, it makes my body way too tired and it makes my sinuses irritated, so it's best to try and sleep before I can't breath out of my nose. I have never wanted to take it, but I was only wanting to make my mom happy/satisfied. What did I get from taking Seroquel? Extreme sedation in the mornings and insomnia unless I take it at night. Lovely isn't it? I look down on people who try and buy it off me because a abhor it so much, and always have.
What did I decide to do? My friend in High School was talking about Adderall and how it's the medicine that 'makes you smart'. All of my friends in High School never did a single drug, but were still considered the 'cool' people, because they didn't care if you did them. She was only being humorous, but to continue the conversation I told her my younger brother was prescribed it and she told me to take it and see if it made me smart. She was still joking but I did it anyways. I can't say I regret it. I honestly, truly can't. The day I took it for the first time I walked into Pre-Cal and completed the homework for that day before the teacher had even finished going over the notes. ADHD kids tend to be smart people that are being held back by their disorder, but I was an already smart kid that had just regained my focus and I was on a roll. A roll that lasted me my Junior year of high school up until now. My normally depressed personality suddenly became booming, alive, and I was so entirely social again. I was smiling. I was not sad anymore for the first time in years. How can I regret that?
Being a Type A, I do have a knack for manipulation, which I observed my mother doing since I was born. She is also OCD, but she isn't completely aware of it, she just considers herself a 'tidy person'. My mother is my best friend and is the nicest person I know, so she doesn't use her 'power' for evil, but rather to influence good at the expense of no one. What was my psych's 'solution to helping me', or so I made him think by describing elaborate stories of mild ADD symptoms in context with my OCD, concentrate and to help me wake up, was of course a nice prescription to Adderall.
It was all great throughout High School. I was back in my old game of being a nice guy that people could confide and trust. I was back together with my school work along with being involved in lots of after school activities. I found myself again. I did, however, become irritable to small things. I was normally given lead roles in plays, but my directors casted me in the smallest part in our competition play. It was a part that I knew would win best actor if I played it right, but I was so irritated at other circumstances and the fact I spent only about 5 minutes on stage that made me quit not only the play, but theater, which was my passion up until then. A rather bold and reckless move, and I recovered since, but I have never tried to be involved in theater again. I simply went insane on my directors (a married couple, one being the director and the other the tech director), calling them out on all the favoritism and close minded deeds. They wouldn't cast people they knew smoked cigarettes (even if they were 18), if they knew you could even POSSIBLY be sexually active, or even if they heard a small rumor you did a drug you weren't prescribed. It was ridiculous, and I made sure they knew it.
I would say after that I found an even 'newer' outspoken version of myself that has since gone away, but comes back every so often. I just get fed up with stress and I explode, and that never happened until the Adderall.
A few weeks before graduation, I started smoking pot. There's nothing wrong with pot, and at that point I would basically take Adderall and later on smoke pot, and the relaxed state of mind mixed with the highly functioning cognitive functions I would have mixed nicely until later.
One day during the summer I took two Adderall just to see what it was like. My heart pounded so hard and I just had to lay down, but it was a nice experience. I never really did it after that until college.
After a summer of Adderall and Pot, the best summer of my life, full of happy memories and my great friends, especially my best friend. The euphoria from the Adderall was always common for me because I've always been really skinny for my height, and I recall the effects of it starting to let up. Even though I haven't seen all of 6 of my friends and me together and over a year, I will always cherish the time that I had with them.
I went to college and it was very intense and hard. It was a private school of prestige, so Adderall was my crutch at the point for sure. I was starting to take more than one a day because it would wear off by evening. I would feel like crap at times, feeling 'cracked out', but cigarettes and such kept me going. I did coke about 3 times total (as mentioned above), but coke is crap when compared to Adderall. Every time I did coke I simply laid down and had a nice nap, which wasn't a bad thing per say.
During Christmas break, my best friend and couple of other people decided to do X, which I had never personally done. After we got them (it took 5 hours because the dealer's fix had to postpone) I took 2 and everyone was having an amazing time. I was pretty euphoric at that time but everyone started doing the whole 'oh-my-God my body feels so good', and I didn't get any of that, and so I started to feel pretty lame and down. At least I got to make out with all of the straight guys, I suppose. Anyways, during the day we went and bought some pot to help us with our come down. I didn't really think about the Adderall I ritually took and how it would effect other drops.
Minutes after I smoked some of the blunt, I felt like I was dying. I could feel every cell in my body suddenly say 'abort mission' and it was like me mind was demanding that I die. I freaked for about a minute, most likely having a panic attack, but I was fine and I laid back down. I figured out the meaning of life, while I was in me dementia: 'Just keep going.' and 'The meaning of life is to take the crap life throws at you with dignity, and to find someone who can share it with you and make it all the better.' It was then fine until I then realized the world was just a 'cell' and then suddenly I had the idea that the Matrix had truth behind it. I felt like I was not in control and that something more powerful than us was laughing at all the silly things we humans do, such as cut our hair, be in fashion, etc. because it meant nothing. The corner of the ceiling opened up into black hole and I stood up and ran into the bathroom.
Nothing made sense. I looked into the mirror and I felt like it was something else trapped in my head. I felt so separated from my body in the sense that it was just a cage. I splashed water on my face and realized my stupidity, I wasn't a prisoner and someone wasn't laughing at us. I was simply on my way to God. I realized that we all needed to realize this and then we can directly communicate with him. Which I did while I drove home. I was having a conversation with God, consisting of hysterical laughing swinging into crying and pleaing for my life in intervals of mere seconds. I truly know what it is like to be paranoid schizophrenic, because my usual paranoia was amplified by a lot and I was simply disturbed, feeling like I could never go back to being 'normal' since I knew (exactly what I really couldn't tell you anymore), and that I would end up in a ward, drooling on myself and writing on the wall with my excrement. It probably didn't help that I have obsessive thoughts. I couldn't feel that 'tingly' in my chest anymore that I would get sometimes, which I associated with my soul.
I have never taken ecstasy since and I never will, and I didn't smoke weed or take Adderall for about a month. I fell into EXTREME depression, which was only lifted when one day in the second semester I felt my soul again. I looked at a Book of Trees and I saw an amazingly beautiful tree, and I felt my chest warm up and tingle, and I knew I was back. And I was, no 'insanity' or 'depression'. I was me again. But I started taking Adderall to make sure I did well in my classes.
Many times I have taken Adderall and smoked weed in the same day and had those bad trips again. Sometimes I worry I wont come out of them and that I truly will be crazy the rest of my life. I have lost touch with reality a little bit, and it's enough to scare me, because I am not in control. But I am so addicted to Adderall, because I makes me such a better person. I know, as a psych major, that it is a problem to not like the natural you, and so I am trying. I take about 3 a day now, which adds up to 60 mg. This is small for some people, but I have gone from 150 lbs to 134 lbs in about three weeks, and my weight fluctuates like this a lot.
I feel like I am dying sometimes, and I don't know what to do. Well, I mean I KNOW that I should quit and that it would solve virtually all of my problems, but once you have tasted this 'magic pill', you can do nothing but like it. I don't give people Adderall, I tell them it's the nastiest shit they will ever take.
I've already taken two today, and I'll probably end up taking another one at night.
Pray for me. I need help in finding the strength to fight this demon. But, like I said before... I can never say that I regret any of this... and THAT'S the horror of Adderall.
The posted stories here helped me so much. I feel like I have the strength, but we'll see in time if I am weak, or if I am just another doomed addict.
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