Citation: Kayla D. "Awakening: An Experience with MDMA (Ecstasy) (exp64397)". Erowid.org. Dec 12, 2007. erowid.org/exp/64397
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Background: My name is Kayla and I live in Canada. I've been doing softer drugs (such as smoking pot) every day for a long time now and I've been experimenting with drugs such as LSD, mushrooms, MDMA, salvia and various other drugs, for several years now and I strongly believe it is this drug use that has shaped me as a person. Without these experiences, both good and bad, there is no way I would have become the person I am today. In this, I feel it necissary to share one of my intense and shaping experiences, although there are so many more.
This experince that I describe within this text is my most recent experience, having been two days ago, therefore I am able to describe it much more vividly and thus is the reason for me using this experience to describle. This text, I do realize, cannot bring anyone even slightly close to fully understanding my experience nor do I want it to. This is merely a peek into my world at that particular time. There are also many sections and aspects of my experience missing due to the inability to express through the english language. Often these kinds of aspects are too great and too difficult for me to put into words. I also have trouble remembering specific trips somtimes, loosing chunks of valuable realizations and sensations.
Having done MDMA in larger doses on previous occasions and having done it quite a few times before this experience I must state that this was my most eye-opening and interesting experience with ecstasy.
A few friends and I unexpectedly went downtown to pick up 7 or 8 (I don't remember which) pink msn's. The ride was about an hour and a half and it was already dark out. By the time we got back it was 11 pm and everyone but me had taken their pill as I was feeling sick. After relaxing at the park for a while and smoking a joint I took mine but I only took half to begin with because I still didn't feel quite normal. As I waited for the half to kick in we walked and everyone else stated feeling it. One of the guys was experiencing it for his first time, he instantly loved the feeling and began to pat the sides of my head (I have a mohawk, so the sides are shaved) as he did this he repeated over and over again that it felt like a cat.
The streets were dead silent, a Wednesday night, no one out, just us. The onset was about an hour and a half but it went quickly due to fast paced walking. I could feel the anticipation build up inside of me, I knew the e was about to hit me I could already feel my jaw tensing and my stomach feel heavy. By the time we reached a nearby elementary school I decided to take my other half. The water I took the other half with sent cold throughout my body, it spread quickly starting in my mouth shooting to my fingertips and toes. I suddenly felt very awake as well as the urge to help everyone around me. So I gave a friend of mine some alcohol that was in my bag, he had joined us as we were walking and didn't take any MDMA, he was sober and bored. He thanked me and as he did so I felt proud, I had helped someone out right then and there just as I wanted to. I felt I had accomplished something however, I knew there was so much more I needed to do for people at that time.
We all sat down in the sheltered doorway (the back enterance of the school) where there was an outdoor electrical outlet (perfect to plug the ps3 in to listen to music and play games) and a well-lit area (perfect for drawing and writing). It is there that we sat all night (from about 1 am to 7:30 am.) There was an annoying person sitting with us who was not experiencing anything but the effects of good ol' THC. He was acting ridiculous, trying to tell us every few seconds that he was 'So stoned' but I didn't care. The want and need to be nice and inclusive to everyone blinded me of his flaws, so as everyone else tried to convince him to go home I, on the other hand, was trying to convince him to stay, I just didn't want the already small group of people to get any smaller because we were perfect at that time. Then it was slightly less perfect as I thought about the only thing that was missing at that time: me drawing, the only pen we had ran out of ink and my hand needed to express and flow, I needed to be doing something, I needed so badly to draw.
Perfect is defined as: flawless, complete, undamaged -the dictionary, or anyone who hasn't been on MDMA cannot begin to comprehend the word. Perfect is a powerful word when used and it is to only be used in the right context, unfortunately words such as 'perfect' and 'love' is thrown around far too much. I did come to this realization as we all sat. As we listened to music and as we dicussed our views very honestly, being open to eachother's views, I tried to soak in all of the things that were being said. The philisohpical debates were very intriguing, they made me feel the most awake and articulate, they also made me want to gain more and more knowledge.
I tingled all over as we listened to Infected Mushroom songs and talked. I analyzed every part of every song. The more I listened the more I felt the music. Every sound made me feel differently. Some music actually made me feel as if something bad was going to happen every second, but that was only the songs with yelling in them, the non-progressive and non-Infected Mushroom songs. My hand was flowing when I finally was able to draw, several friends went off in search of pens, markers, something and had come back with nothing but two more went to someone's house and brought back a much needed pen.
My senses and the extreme bliss I was feeling guided me because I had not a single idea or inspiration, I just drew and drew. I wasn't even sure I enjoyed what I was drawing at the time but it didn't matter it felt so natural to draw, like I was born drawing, it felt very unnatural and uncomfortable to not be drawing. I stopped every once and a while to examine what I had been drawing as well to chew on the end of the pen. The more I examined the more I liked what I saw. I kept going, drawing all night, I still could think of nothing to draw but yet produced amazing works of art.
I did feel perfect as the music and my drawing flowed hand in hand. I write at one point 'get off of my cloud, or hey join me...' above a venus flytrap-like drawing. I reacll why I did this: The Rolling Stones have a song with lyrics which say 'hey, you, get off of my cloud' and as I drew I thought of this. I thought it was far too mean and exclusive and I decided whoever wanted onto my cloud can join me. I really wanted to explain that to everyone at the time it was happening but I got side-tracked by the existing conversation and the music and I forgot.
Of course some of my friends stole the pen and my sketchbook every once and a while as well to write and draw on other pages, at those times I tried so hard not to draw but the urge was so strong I often needed to tell them to give it back to me so I could draw. But of course that made me feel like a bad person, I was trying to be as generous as possible and it wasn't working when I displayed behaviour like that.
I can barely recall our conversations, although I can tell you this, I do know there were some of LSD and Mushroom experiences, creativity, time, society, religion, politics, people, emotions, perfection, generosity, friendship, energy and so called spirits, goals, brillance, insanity, personality and sensations. All conversations that night were extremely fulfilling.
At one point I wrapped my blanket around myself because I was cold, the cold was giving me a strange feeling. My organs began to feel like a burden, they were too heavy. My stomach would only feel bad after my peaks so everytime my stomach began to feel awful I would take another half of a pill. I then felt fine again, as if I could run for hours, although instead of running for hours I sat beneath the bright lights of a school. I thought of the irony of leaning on the wall of an elementary school listening to psytrance and progressive music, disagreeing with and disobeying(through debate, feelings and actions) many, many theories, ways of behaving and morals school tries to engrain in its students. I sat on this thought for quite awhile although I`m unsure if I actually expressed it to anyone.
As I finally took the last half I continued to draw and get lost within my mind and within the motion of drawing.
The most perfect moment I have ever, ever experienced occurred as the sun finally rose. I have absolutely no recolection of it actually getting brighter outside, just of the sun shifting across the sky in front of my eyes. At that moment everything fit. The music we were listening to, the people I was with and the beauty I was witnessing. Although sunrise is a daily occurance this sunrise is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. The colours were vibrant and alive, and I was so extremely happy at that moment because the earth chose to wake up in front of me. I felt the sunshine rays reach out and wraped around me. The warmth from the sun was a great hug that I never wanted to let me go. We turned the music off right after the sun shifted and it was then we could hear the birds singing and the town start to awake as well, there was frost (or dew) on the grass, nature is so beautiful. Luckily we did catch this beauty on video, a friend of mine taped the whole sunrise on his cellphone, music and all.
After sunrise, and sitting, still talking, around 7:30 we all left that area and walked. We had a destination I believe, however I do not recall it, nor do I recall much more of that day. Only that the other half kept me energetic for quite a while and the pot that we smoked did keep returning an awkward sort of body buzz. I layed on a friend`s front pourch for the longest time. By this time it was just me and two other people, everyone else had gone to crash somewhere. We all agreed that we all felt extremely stupid at that time. Actually, that was the most retarded and slowed down I`ve ever felt. I struggled to keep focused and listen to what was being said when it was being said but I often got confused and lost, which caused me to utter various words such as what and fuck.
I also struggled to project my voice, it felt like too much of an effort. That weird body buzz I was feeling all day caused me to feel like walking and sitting at the same time, it caused me to feel uncomfortable and like I should be doing something. I was all twitchy and at times edgy at other times my reactions and reflexes were completely delayed and slowed down. My back ached from sitting on concrete all night and I started feeling waves of depression along with that strange body buzz. I could not wait to get home to just lay there on my bed, unable to sleep but in a braindead state.
I`ve basically lost track of time since then and I have been pretty depressed and slowed down. I have been in a state of stupid since I layed on that pourch, reading things over multiple times to understand them (even simple sentences) and mixing up my words. I found it very difficult to write this but I am glad I did as if I were to procrastinate I would forget more and more.
I`ve reached the end of my discription and although much of the night (and day) are missing I feel I`ve portrayed the experience well. I hope I can look upon this on a later date and be transported there, never forget, always take something away from an experence. Thank you.
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