Citation: Aidan. "Fuck (4 Fundamental Realities): An Experience with DOB & Sleep Deprivation (exp64873)". Erowid.org. Aug 9, 2007. erowid.org/exp/64873
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I picked up a sheet of 1,000 hits Later confirmed via GC/MS to be DOB
a while back and after it was gone I found 4 hits underneath my desk and set them aside. The odd thing about this sheet was it was stained peculiarly on the back, and under a black light the lighter stained parts glowed much brighter than others. I had only taken 2 hits from it and found it disappointingly underwhelming. Then, last Monday, I found out that a band I liked (Ratatat) was playing half a mile away that night. I'd been up for 60 hours from insomnia but my friend talked me into going after all. I needed something to wake me up and remembered that acid while exhausted always wipes the exhaustion away.
Part I: The Come Up
9:45pm: I took 1 hit and took a shower and got dressed.
10:25pm: I was feeling great and having fun coming up so I took a second.
10:45pm: Still feeling awesome, I took a third hit.
11:00pm: My friend backs out of the concert he convinced me to go to because it cost $15 and he said that was too much.
From 11-12pm or so I went into my office, put milkdrop on the monitor, and laid back on a futon to enjoy it. Before long the visuals were coming off the monitor, and shortly after, the entire room was patterned like milkdrop. Around 12pm I got up to answer some instant messages. A few minutes into a conversation I had to tell my friend to hold on because it was hard to read the screen since a song I'm emotionally connected to was playing. He mentioned something about synesthesia being neat, and I realized that I really was 'seeing' the music, to the point that I couldn't read the screen during some songs. I've never had such synesthesia before.
Around this time my girlfriend (Demented Faith) went to bed and I went into the living room where my roommate (Tacolobster) was watching television. I was slowly descending into my own world and beginning to be concerned about the intensity. I started thinking about acquiring some benzos but held back because I didn't want people to think that *I* needed benzos to control a trip. This was foolish of me. As I was descending into complete ego loss, I decided to ask Tacolobster, just as she was going to bed. I got on aim and tried to ask her quickly. What came out was:
'i'm sorry becky'
The timestamp on that IM marked the precise moment that my mind abandoned our reality and entered a world of its own.
Part II: A Brief (long) History of Life
By 1am (+2:15) I was tripping harder from 3 hits of DOB
than I had off of 15 strong hits of acid
By 1:30am I had descended into complete, blackout-inducing, ego loss, where I remained until the blackouts finally began decreasing in frequency around 9am. I had finally begun to come down. During this period I would frequently black out and come to in a different room of my house, entirely unaware of where I was or what I was doing (according to third party accounts of my behavior).
As best I can tell, I began my journey by reliving the history of life up until the present. This may sound fun, but it's a fucking long history. The first moments of life were terrifying. The fear and loneliness I felt were overwhelming. There was confusion, fear, solitude and blackness. Nothing else. This went on for a terribly long period of time.
Eventually, other organisms emerged, all feeling the same way. Some had the courage to venture into the blackness, to grow and expand their influence. They died. The next wave ventured more cautiously, seeing the failures before them, and survived to expand. Survival was tenuous and uncertain — fear was the only emotion life knew in its infancy. Like this, life slowly expanded until it was no longer so alone. Single-celled organisms formed groups for survival, some competing, others cooperating. Specialization began, colonies emerged, and evolution began its slow walk towards humanity. A new emotion was introduced — a feeling of comfort, a feeling that seemed to say, “How wonderful it is to not be so terribly alone any more!” All the while I kept the perspective of a single-celled organism, through millions of years as the colony of protests began more and more specialized. Eventually it outgrew the label of colony as the first species of multi-cellular life emerged. I started to feel pride in being part of something greater, and pride at how unlikely and how amazing it was that life had survived to reach this stage, against all odds. When I finally reached the present, I was imbued with a strong, non-verbal thought that did not originate from my mind. It conveyed, somehow, that: 'This is what it took to get where you are now. Respect this.'
Part III: God, Speaking On The Subject of Life: fuck
Having caught up with the present, my perspective shifted to that of God. As an aside, I'm a pantheist and feel very strongly about my beliefs.
Pantheism (Greek: π,ά,ν, ( 'pan' ) = all and θ,ε,ό,ς, ( 'theos' ) = God) literally means 'God is All' and 'All is God'. It is the view that everything is of an all-encompassing immanent abstract God, or that the universe, or nature, and God are equivalent. More detailed definitions tend to emphasize the idea that natural law, existence, and the universe (the sum total of all that is, was, and shall be) is represented or personified in the theological principle of an abstract 'god'.
It was around 4am in the real world by now, I had been alone for 2-3 hours when I saw the world through god's eyes. The first thought I had as God was 'fuck. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. fucking fuck.' You see, God fucked up. He didn't think ahead. Life had begun, and it was good...until God realized he had no way to terminate life. Evolution would proceed, in this universe, indefinitely. Perfection can never be obtained, and life will just keep running...forever...a process begun without a possible end point. Life, it seemed to God (me), was a program that would never terminate naturally. I'd soon find out why this was such a 'fuck' from God's point of view.
Part IV: An Eternity Is A Long Time
By about 5am I became preoccupied with a thought that would dominate the rest of the trip, and distress me to no end. I was more God than ever, and aware that as God I consisted of 4 aspects, only 2 of which are visible in my body's reality (those two being male and female). The four aspects of God worked together, but each had their own personality. The female aspect was represented as my girlfriend, the male as myself, and the other two don't exist in this world and there's no way I can describe them.
I also saw that reality consisted of 4 quasi-independent and supersymmetrical 'branes' (reality bubbles). What happened in one reality had an equal and opposite effect on its complement, keeping the whole in balance. Hmm It's hard to explain further without getting into physics and symmetry....
There are 3 basic symmetries in the world, C (particle/antiparticle) P (parity) and T (time). Charge is particle/antiparticle, parity is the symmetry of interactions under spatial inversion, and Time is just time. What's interesting is if you reversed the CHARGE of the universe and reversed the PARITY of the universe and reversed the TIME (flow) of the universe, those 3 changes would result in exactly no difference whatsoever (in terms of the laws of physics). Reversing C and T breaks symmetry, as does P and T, but reversing both C and P (but not T) yields a nearly identical universe.
Supersymmetry theorizes that there's a fourth fundamental symmetry between fermions and bosons (which may be proven in late 2007 when the new supercollider is finished).
I'd go into more detail but it either gets complicated or I don't understand it enough to explain it.
Anyway, just as there were 4 aspects of God (the universe, in my belief system), there are 4 fundamental forces and 4 fundamental symmetries, and 4 fundamental realities.
As God, I knew that life began because of the big bang...because there was a point in time where all 4 aspects of the universe were one, the four parts combined somehow created life (or the conditions necessary for it), just before blowing apart. This made it impossible for life to be changed once it began, it could only run its natural course. Furthermore, as God, while I was aware of 4 parts of myself, only the two that exist in our reality were accessible to me (male/female). The other two, I was aware of them and their doings, but we couldn't communicate. My thoughts, as God, were entirely preoccupied (to the point of insanity) with finding a way to change reality so that the four aspects of myself could convene and figure out a way for life to 'end'.
Let me explain 'change reality'...as God I had access to and control over the history of the universe from the moment following the big bang when we separated until the present. I could also see the changes in the future that changes in the past/present caused.
My time was consumed with making minute changes to reality and then observing the results...probing future realities and potential realities to see if there was any possible way to re-unite myself (and terminate evolution) in the future. Every change was a failure, I felt insane, frustrated, tormented and trapped. During this period I was aware of my identity as a human, and was concerned with the fact that I (God) was embodying a vessel that was not mine. I could remember facts about my human self, but they were like facts about a stranger...mostly meaningless and disconnected from myself.
Part V: In Which I Grow Closer To Reality
By now it was 8am, and I was once again seeing my house. But it wasn't my house...at least, things were wrong. Things that leaned right leaned left. The TV was on The Price is Right, but time was moving in a very peculiar (and disturbing, I might add) manner. The episode began with the final spin, at the very end. Starting at the end, 15-30 seconds of the show played normally, and then it would skip backwards about 2 minutes at a time. I watched the entire episode, final spin to first contestant, in this manner.
As if this weren’t a disturbing enough Price is Right experience, there was one other facet that wasn’t quite right. Bob Barker, in his infinite wisdom, decided it’d be cool if he projected my inner monologue through the television. That was the last time I watched The Price is Right, Bob Barker makes me uncomfortable to this day.
From 8am to 12pm I was half in the real world and half out of it. I kept shifting reality to try to make it right again. Sometimes I could half-see the other 3 realities superimposed on mine, and the changes my shifts were enacting over there. Sometimes I'd change things and nothing much would change. Sometimes I'd change things and a cat would go CRAZY. One time I changed things and the cat tried to mate with me. I saw where that future went, it wasn't a compatible match. I changed reality again, and again, and again... All the while I had with me a horrible fear from the first part of my ego loss. When life had just begun, a lack of movement eventually led to the cold clutches of death. I remained terrified of staying still throughout the trip. When lying down, I moved my legs (to keep the warmth of friction, and thus life...).
Eventually I shifted reality in a way that felt right. Suddenly it occurred to me that I had a bottle of anti-psychotics in a drawer. I took two 5mg pills of Zyprexa (olanzapine) and collapsed. In thirty minutes I was out and slept for 24 hours with a 2-hour interruption. This was around 1pm, or +14:15.
Part VI: Aftermath
It's taken me over a week to make enough sense of that trip to even attempt to describe it. There's just as much that I left out because it was too weird or too hard to verbalize as there is posted here. This trip completely fucked my mind up the ass and left it tied naked to a tree in the woods. I tripped much, much harder off those 3 hits than I did when I tripped off the 15 hits, though many similar themes or identical themes were present. I feel like acid mind raped me to show me that it still could.
The end…for now
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