DOSE: T+ 0:00	125 mg		MDMA
T+ 1:00	50 mg		MDMA

BODY WEIGHT:

160 lb

I used psychedelic drugs on a semi regular basis until the late 1970s. I used cocaine briefly and then replaced it with a strict regimen of diet and exercise. I also learned transcendental meditation. In 1985 a friend offered me Ecstasy. He obtained it from a chemist who was providing it to psychotherapists who continued using it as an adjunct to therapy even though it was now illegal. It had not been discovered as a party drug in Denver yet. Dan gave me lots of literature about MDMA. I had always felt that psychedelics were tools, I never used them just for kicks. I tried MDMA out of curiosity.

It was eight o'clock in the morning. I was alone in my apartment. I took the first dose as recommended in the literature, 125mg. After 30 minutes I began to experience some stomach discomfort, as well as nystagmus (involuntary twitching of the eyes). I was listening to the public radio station, and they were playing some medieval music featuring crumhorns. Suddenly it felt as if my heart was opening (perhaps it was just a rush of serotonin), and I was filled with an overwhelming sense of ecstasy and joy. I felt that I had plugged into the heart of the universe and the only thing that mattered was the light all around me. I tried to stand up, but my legs would not support me. I gently crashed, but I did not like the low energy I experienced for the next two days.

Although my body was exhausted, my mind was super alert. I believed that I had undergone a major spiritual transformation, and that Ecstasy was going to save the world. By the end of the week I had started smoking, drinking, cocaine, and anything else I could get my hands on. I quit doing transcendental meditation, and I dumped my girlfriend. I had become extremely hypersexual, masturbating 10 times a day. I talked constantly about peace and love and human transformation. My friends said they really like the person I was becoming. But then he got away from me. I started intentionally overdosing myself on mushrooms and Ecstasy. There was a darkness inside me that I wanted to investigate. What I did not know was that I was having a manic episode associated with bipolar illness. I should point out that both my father and my grandmother were diagnosed with bipolar illness. In high school, I was diagnosed with teenage schizophrenia, but it wasn't considered severe enough to put me on medication. For the next year I pushed myself as close to the edge as I could get, in fact I may have gone over the edge. I was doing absurdly large doses of mushrooms (1-2 ounces) in my quest for my inner hell. I found it. About eight months later, I laid my arms across a set of railroad tracks. I lost my left arm, my right arm was reattached. This is well documented in the February/March 2005 issue of 5280 magazine. I have spent 25 years trying to figure out what happened to me. There is the spiritual component, the psychotropic drug component, the family medical history component, and the really bad karma component. I no longer use hallucinogens because I found what I was looking for. I also think I've done a pretty good job of rearranging my neurons and I don't think I would have a very nice time. Do I regret my Ecstasy experience? Not at all, it was one of the most important experiences of my life. Yeah, it's a drag that I no longer have a left hand. But to fall into the bottomless pit, and then for unknown reasons be BOUNCED OUT, almost makes it seem worthwhile. Please realize, it took me about 15 years to recover from my crisis, and it's only a partial recovery. There is organic damage to my brain both from drugs and psychotic episodes, and the only way to contain my very dangerous mania is with lithium and Haldol. I am presently working on a book which chronicles my message ventures. Trust me, it's a lot funnier than this entry.

'The road of excess leads to the Palace of wisdom.'
-- William Blake

'Not always.'
--artbrujo

Exp Year: 1985	ExpID: 64927
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Apr 24, 2026	Views: Not Supported
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MDMA (3) : General (1), First Times (2), Retrospective / Summary (11), Health Problems (27), Post Trip Problems (8), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Unknown Context (20)