Citation: Taren. "Inspired to Quit: An Experience with Caffeine & Various (exp65766)". Erowid.org. May 4, 2011. erowid.org/exp/65766
I am a caffeine addict. Until I was 10, I never touched the stuff, my mom wouldn't let me drink caffinated soda, and I hated coffee. That's when I had my first taste of Coke, in Italy of all places (it was the only drink on the menu I recognised, and I was getting over a stomach flu, thus not feeling too adventurous). When I was 12 I started drinking Earl Grey tea every morning, I walked to school, and had a thing for getting up early, so there was plenty of time. Every once in a while I'd have cofee, but not very often, and usually decaf. It started to get messy the day I turned 14. I had some extra money, and I was moving, with help from some friends, so we went to the convinience store. I bought an entire 2 liter bottle and drank it in maybe 3 hours, I was twitchy, I felt like I would jump out of my skin, but at the same time, I liked it. For most of that year I made do with tea, supplemented by the occaisional soda, or coffee (no more decaf).
I started drinking alcohol in an on/off kind of way that winter, and turned into a bit of a caffeine freak in the process. Coffee whenever I could get it, WAY more tea, energy drinks, and it was around that time that I discovered Arizona Green Tea, which I promptly fell in love with.
Within 6 moths I was addicted, completely, I would take whatever I could get, going through multiple cans of Arizona every day, along with coffee in the morning and tea at night. I didn't feel much from it even then though, other that awake. In september I started expirimenting because I needed more, Barqs root beer with excedrin and a handful of coffee beans thrown in, and left overnight was a big favorite. I had started taking it to get high, not just to function, which was probably the major turning point. Eventually I bought a bottle of excedrin, which I carried in my backpack, hidden, and cushioned against the noise of the pills, because I was sure that if my mom found out, she'd take them away, which I realise now was probably just the paranoia of a severely addicted mind. I built up to and then stuck with a 4 pill a day habit, although I was worried about the effect of that much acetaminophen on my liver.
One day, I forgot to take my morning dose. By the time I got to my high school classes (I had a Japanese class early then high school, then evening classes two day a week), I was depressed, and so cold I was shivering, even in the moderate early october weather. The second my first class ended, I hid in the bathroom, pulled out my bottle, took two pills, and just sat there for a second, breathing, trying to get it together. 'This is it' I remember thinking, 'I'm an addict.'
When I ran out of excedrin, I bought a 40 pack of vivarin. Mostly I was just taking a 'maintanence' dose, of 1 pill a day, which was way more efficient than Excedrin. Mom didn't like me taking them, and confiscated my vivarin more than once, inspiring me to start buying cheap store brand stuff instead, which worked just as well and cost a lot less. One day I had to take No-Doz, because I had none of my normal pills, and they didn't carry them at the convinience store. I have no idea why, but my body doesn't tolerate No-Doz very well, I hated it.
By this time I'd seriously started messing myself up, I was constantly nauseated, and losing weight. I'd take a pill before eating because I was in a hurry, and then feel too sick to eat until maybe 6 in the evening. It didn't bother me though, I liked being thin.
I ran away one day in september, and stayed away for maybe a week, there's little opportunity to sleep on the streets, so I was taking a LOT of pills to stay functioning. I was almost out when I went home, and had to buy more. The parental unit went through my stuff and took away more of them. I had to hit my secret stash, and his a few in small spaces. 11 of the others I crushed into powder, and, over the course of a while, snorted. While the high was shorter, as long as I did it every once in a while I could avoid withdrawal. I tried to kill myself when crashing off of 600 mg inhaled. Mom searched my bag and took the powder, pills, razor, cat leash, and a bunch of other meds, mostly from her, including Vicodin (hydrocodone/acetaminophen 5/325, Valium (diazepam 2.5mg), Percocet (oxycodone/acetaminophen 5/325), and Ativan (lorazepam 3 mg). None of which I was taking regularly, but which I liked having on hand, because they were fun (aside from caffeine I'm a bit of a downer freak, alcohol, vicodin and valium are my favorite drugs).
I found ways of keeping myself functional, until I had an 8 day 'run in' with vicodin, in february, withdrawal even from that was hell, and after that, I got more caffeine pills. This time I was VERY careful and never got found out. I was still snorting it occasionally, but only for fun, on special occaisions. I went to New York to visit my dad, and he bought me more pills, which I floated around on for a while. I also drank a LOT. My mom thought I sounded 'wired' when I called her to ask for more cell phone minutes (ironically I was so drunk I could barely stand, and was trying to avoid sounding like it). So when I got back, she found the new pills, and took them away too.
I decided it was time to quit, and stayed off caffeine with little difficulty for 6 weeks, then started again, moving by mid may I was back on pills, and since then I've been taking them at progressively higher doses, sometimes up to 5 pills a day. A few times, I couldn't feel better with just pills, and had to do a line, before I could sleep, sometimes another in the morning before I went upstairs (I sleep in the basement).
When I started the school year, I met this guy. He's beautiful, and smart, and in every way a better person than I am. And, while he's not strightedge, he's very diciplined, and has strong ethical pinciples, although he admits he used to be a caffeine addict himself. At the end of my first weekend, I ran out of pills. Instead of getting more, I made do with Excedrin through monday. On tuesday, I drank a coke in the morning, and that was that. I decided to quit.
By total coincidence I ended up staying at this guys house that night. And sleeping in the same bed. Nothing untoward happened, he just doesn't have a problem sleeping next to people. I was already in pain by then, but it was amazingly helpful to have someone I trusted that close. More than that, he seemed to know exactly what to say. I was exhausted, and my head hurt, so I mostly just lay there while he talked about stuff. At some point he mentioned self-control and I said 'but it hurts'. 'I know it hurts,' he responded, 'but it's the right choice, stick with it you'll feel better.'
It's 3 days later, and my head feels like it's going to cave in, I'm tired, dizzy, depressed, my head feels like it's going to cave in. But I'm not giving up, he inspired me, and I'm going to see this through.
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