DOSE:

oral

Alcohol - Beer/Wine

(daily)

Of all the substances I have known, alcohol has been my worst. I have Asperger's Syndrome and am prone to depression, in retrospect I can see how these combined with alcohol led me down a dark path.

I started drinking when I was about 14 years old, that's fairly typical in my country, I didn't drink for any other reason than the fact that it's the done thing. I would go out with my friends on Friday night, get smashed and repeat every week ad nauseum. I would always end up feeling very introspective, isolated and frustrated. I never thought about this too much, as I was still living with my parents so my life was fairly stable and drinking wasn't a regular thing, I just thought that social life was like that. I went to Uni at the age of 18 to 21, I was taking alot of E then and didn't drink very much, but times they change.

After leaving Uni I ended up feeling very lost in the world, I felt like I didn't belong with everyone else, society made no sense to me and I felt powerless to control my own path, however, I could forget all my worries with a beer. A few beers and my mind slowed down, I could engage with people in a cheery, asinine way and that felt good. I was just like everyone else. I would now go out and drink a few times a week, and have a couple of beers after work. Simple. I met my current partner who would share my cheap cider and life was straight-forward, work a shitty job then come home and get a bit booze in me.

Then I lost my job. Then another. And another. I wasn't pursuing my art anymore either. I wasn't doing anything with my days. So to fill in the gaps where my life should've been, I'd have a beer. I'd have a few beers. Then my girlfriend would come home and we'd go to the pub. It's what you do, and anyway, isn't drinking loads an amusing trait?

The seams started to tear very quickly, the gaps of soberness started to get smaller and smaller, if I was bored, I'd have a beer, if I was frustrated with life, a beer. Depressed? beer. Party? beer. Had to leave the house at all? beer. I would wake up and finish last nights' 8% beer, then go and buy the cheapest, strongest booze I could afford.

I completely lost myself in the drink. I would spend months at a time without ever really sobering up, my nerves were totally shot, my mind didn't work anymore, I could feel the world moving away from me as tried to drink myself to oblivion to dull the horror I was creating for myself. In Frat films the heavy drinker is the fun party guy, I became his nemesis. I was increasingly aggressive, always trying to start fights, I treated my girlfriend despicably, after all, I didn't care about myself so how could I care about anyone else? My stomach started to rot. My girlfriend would cry alot, my best friends didn't know who I was anymore. I wasn't a person anymore. I was a violent storm of self-destruction with no conscience.

It's now been 18 months since I had a drink. I was fortunate in that the people closest to me had the moral fibre to wait for me to wake up. I don't think I'll ever escape from alcohol's shadow, the urge to drink grabs me when I least expect it. I'm not afraid to tell people I've had a problem, it's who I am now that counts. I also hope that my open approach might encourage others who feel they need help to ask for it. I believe that because alcohol is so interwoven in our societal structure, it can easily hide its negative side from scrutiny.

Are weekend binge drinkers really so far from where I was?
It's just a question of regularity.

Exp Year: 2007	ExpID: 66529
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Jul 26, 2010	Views: 9,705
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Alcohol - Beer/Wine (199) : Retrospective / Summary (11), Depression (15), Addiction & Habituation (10), Not Applicable (38)