Citation: TheKarateKid yo. "I Can't Remeber Life Before Using: An Experience with Cocaine (exp66540)". Erowid.org. Dec 31, 2017. erowid.org/exp/66540
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Itís been two years of off and on coke binges, bad crashes, and nights spent mentally ripping myself apart. Itís always on my mind, always the addiction turning my veins cold, making me squirm, itís all I ever really want. I started using cocaine at 15 and it turned my world upside down. Since about 11 or 12 Iíve always had an urge to use cocaine and once high school came my desire was fulfilled, or lack theyíre of. The first binge lasted 2 or 3 months within the first week of using I lost 15 pounds, I thought I found my answer to everything in life just a simple line, a quick fix and everything was all right. Crashing never really affected me at first, now looking back I wish my first line and euphoric experience ended in a crash of depression maybe that wouldíve turned my mind around. Usually my binges end cause the crashing over takes the euphoria and all desires of doing a line is washed away. Iíll be clean from it for a month of two but the addiction never really fades, in all honesty every day of not using doesnít get easier it usually worsens as weeks go on, because subconsciously I let myself forget how awful the crashes are and how great the euphoria is. As Iím writing this I havenít used cocaine for a little over two months. My last binge ended because the crashing had just over taken everything.
During most of the summer I was pretty much coked up, during the last two days of using coke I was armed with three grams of coke and no weed to help ease the crashes. I was invited to sleep over a childhood friendís who Iíve known for over 12 years, over the years weíve grown apart mostly due to the fact that weíve gone our separate ways. She never had been drunk or high and I who has managed to be on something almost everyday for about 2 or 3 years. 5 minutes before she came to pick me up I had done 2 lines and realized I should probably bring my stash in case of a bad crash. I agreed with myself to not let her know that I was coked up and would only do a line if I absolutely needed to.
Once in the car both she and her mom greeted me, as we pulled away from my house I could already feel the crash begin I held my breath and let myself know only 5 minutes until we get to her house and than I can do another line and ease up the crash. Instead of directly going to her house we made a stop at a grocery store, sitting in the car with just my friend I could feel the tremors start to kick in and knew I needed to do a line. I let her know I was crashing really bad and needed to do a line she looked at me in disgust as I pleaded with her to let me do a line in her car, obviously the answer was ďno.Ē Un-phased by her answer I pulled out a CD case and my coke and did a bump. I thought and hoped it would last me until we get to the house. Her mom returned to the car and we were on our way again, but again had to make another stop at a produce store. Again both my friend and I were left in the car alone, and the crash began again. First I did a numby hoping it would ease the tremors, but no such luck. Again I pulled out the CD case and coke and did a full line. By this time my friend who has never seen any drug in real life is watching my drug habit in full swing. Finally we made it to her house and my day was spent continually making runs to her room or her bathroom to do lines. Half the time I would just sit there and do a line in front of her, I didnít give a shit I just needed that euphoria. Finally down to only Ĺ a gram I tried to ease my self off of the blow I knew the night was going to be a bad one. I laid for hours squirming trying to think of anything that wasnít coke, I wanted to sleep, I just wanted it to be the next morning, and most of all I wanted to stop thinking about how I just spent my day doing lines in front of a girl who I knew after this will never talk to me again. The following day I went home finished the last of the coke and made a conscious decision to never do cocaine again.
So far I havenít but I know another binge is brewing. Itís just a continuous cycle of hoping I can make it through a year without coke. Even though the nights are usually unbearable and the days I donít have any money to fuel my addiction mentally kills me I fear this addiction will never end. I donít really remember what my life was like before I found cocaine, but sometimes I wish I did.
I donít really remember what my life was like before I found cocaine, but sometimes I wish I did.
I wish I could remember how I dealt with problems without doing a line or at least without the first thought being I wish I had a line.
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