Citation: Dipset. "One Time Ruined a Life: An Experience with MDMA (Ecstasy) (exp66697)". Erowid.org. May 14, 2008. erowid.org/exp/66697
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I wrote this report mainly to get it off my chest, because it is a day that I can not even bring up or even try to think about, so I hope by writing this report it will help get rid of some of the anxiety left behind from this day.
I am 19 years old and was just about out of high school, summer was just around the corner, and the rolls were available 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I consider myself to be very experienced with the drug having at the time done it about 40-50 times almost all on relatively high doses. I also had a tight group of about 5 or 6 friends who I used to and continue to still roll with. For the amount of times I had rolled I had experienced the cleanest, finest rolls, to the dirtiest rolls cut with who knows what. Though at this time our very good friend was consistently getting very clean legitimate rolls for somewhat of a long period at this time. I trusted him and still do.
Now to the day I will never forget.
It started off we were at my friend 'Nate's house, a place we always go and all feel very comfortable. Several of us decided this is where we were going to start taking our rolls before going out to a big house party later that night. There were about 8 of us altogether though only 4 of us planned to roll. It was me, 'Alex' 'Ben' and my friend 'Matt'. Alex and Ben being very experienced just like myself, while Matt was a new comer to this drug, though I really talked him into doing it because I thought it could give him some of the spiritual enlightenment that it had given myself. Matt was a great friend, though at times did not have much self control. He was an all state wrestler who got kicked off the team for punching a ref in the face, and would fight just about anyone for anything you could think of, and was going through depression over his girlfriend. I really thought that taking this drug would really help open his eyes to alot of things. Boy was I wrong.
At around 6 o clock the 4 of us all took our first dose (I took 2) of white 'Roses'. Like I said there was about 8 people there including the 4 rollers, being in an apartment there were about 4 of us inside and 4 of us outside. I began to feel my roll about 30 minutes into it, and was really looking forward to it because the coming up was feeling really clean and smooth. I was playing video games inside with Matt who I could tell was starting to feel the coming on effects, I was just talkin to him and from what I could tell he felt slightly uncomfortable but from the way the rest of us were feeling I figured there was nothing to worry about, and I was startin to feel GREAT. Another half hour passes, it's about 7 o clock and I step outside with Alex and Ben and we all just look at each other saying how great the E was and we began to smoke a cigarette. At that point it seemed like the night was startin to kick off and everything was gonna be greaaaaaaaaaat.
All of a sudden Matt walks outside with tears in his eyes. Like I said before Matt is the type of kid who is always proving how tough he is, and always fighting, who would never show us tears. I look at Matt and say Matt whatís wrong man. He is BALLING his eyes out and we sit him down and ask him whatís wrong. He doesnít waste any time and says 'I gotta tell you guys something your gonna look at me so much differently.' In my head Iím like I donít even want to know cuz I knew it was gonna be bad. When Matt was 13 years old he had done time in a youth detention center and lived his young age in a cell. I tried to keep what he was about to say back because I knew from the looks of things that it was NOT the time, I really wanted to talk to him and he just let it all out. Explaining to us that when he was 13 in placement, he had been raped by a staff member at the center he was at, and that the reason he fights as much as he can is because he feels like that is the only way he feels like he gets back his manhood.
WOW, those words hit me at 100mph. This is a 19 year old kid who I really liked and respected even after he told me this, I did not think any differently of him, if anything I respected him more. After realizing what he had just said, it hit Matt extremely hard. He was crying harder then ever begging us to beat the shit out of him because he didn't feel like a man. Now this is one of my best friends telling me this, it really fucking hurt me to hear this, the people inside took notice to what was going on outside, my friend Nate asked us to take a walk, he could tell something was wrong and told us to come back try and get him calmed down. We began the walk, (This is in the city, in somewhat of a rough area) me Matt Alex and Ben.
Alex and Ben were handling the situation very well at the time and I was as well, we talked to Matt trying to calm him down and he at one point was really starting to cool down and realize we were his friends even after telling us this. Then the E mustíve been hitting him at full force because he would in the blink of an eye go from almost accepting what he had told us back to complete anger and pain. He started punching himself in the face VERY hard, and even at one point trying to jump in front of a car to take his life. Going back and forth from accepting things to anger would not stop, one second we would think he was snapping backin into it then right back to the crazyness.
He had another roll in his pocket and we knew we could not let him take the 2nd he was too emotionally wrecked at this point and was already starting to lose it completely. Alex tried to talk Matt into giving him the roll, this is when Matt got extremely hostile wanting to fight. This is when I tried explaining to him why I gave him a roll in the first place, to try and help him realize things and that the fighting is out of control and how he was just now about to fight his friend. He continued to cry and apologize and he promised he wasnít gonna take the roll he was just going to hold onto it. We agreed knowing that he was going to try and take it, but to just try and let him calm down before we have to hold him down.
Our walk was finished and nothing was really accomplished, the other 4 kids at the apartment were all outside, at one point the ice cream truck went by causing Matt to run around like a little kid with complete joy. The other 4 laughed at him not realizing the situation completely. They said to us that they wanted to head to the party already, it was about 7:15, I talked to Nate telling him Matt wasnít ready and asked if we could stay there with him and head there later on, he agreed. Ben left us at this point with the other guys and it was now me Alex and Matt at our friends Nateís apartment. We all sat down and Matt was starting to act even more and more out of toon. Though not crying anymore, or not feelings of pain, just not knowing anything that was going on. I asked him about his other roll and he gave me the bad news. He ate it on his walk. I looked at Austen knowing it was gonna get worse.
Within 15 minutes Mattís legs started shaking uncontrollably, and one of his eyes was about swollen shut from hitting himself so damn hard. Both of his legs were violently shaking and his eyes were beginning to roll in the back of his head. We both sat there trying to keep him concentrated and not let something terrible happen. We had all taken 2 of these rolls and me Ben and Alex had been fine and Matt was completely starting to have a serious problem. He was chewing with his mouth like he was chewing on gum and we heard him crack one of his teeth from chewing on nothing so hard. I would grab him and try and talk to him but it would not help. I would give him water and it would all just come down his mouth, and the violent shaking would not stop. He asked me if I was his dad and why I left him and his mom. He began talking to us like we were other people in his life that had somehow hurt him in one way or another. He talked to me like I was his girlfriend, violently shaking with eyes rolling in the back of his head telling me he loved me. I could not believe what was happening. After about 25 minutes of shaking he slowly started to stop and could at some points hold a conversation.
It is about 8 o clock now, and me and Alex knew we had to wait it out until the E began to really start wearin off before we were about to bring Matt anywhere. Matt was really feelin upset at some points when he realized the situation, we would explain to him that he can take control of what is happening and that everything is gonna be alright, and once again he would go from almost feeling the way he should be, right back to the pain and anger, wishing he was dead.
At about 8:30, during another point of almost being normal, he said he was ready to try gettin up. I thought he was back. We stood him up, he took one look at the light in the room while standing up and fell to the ground, babbling on about me being his dad asking if I loved him and his mom. The babbling, the crying, the feelings of happiness, they were all mushed together and he was experiencing so many feelings all at once. It was way too much to handle.
At about 9:30 he had realized where he was and what he had been doing. The E at this point made him pretty happy, but he was still a little oblivious. Me and Alex at this point were just very frustrated and were not on the same page as him as far as the happiness. He told us we were his best friends and he loved us and then continued to tell us a couple more things about himself that I really did not wanna know, but were nothing like the 1st thing he had said. So after about 4 hours of craziness, complete craziness, I decided not to go to the party and just get dropped off at home, Matt told me he loved me when I left. I went home feeling really upset about the whole thing, Matt was without a doubt going to be looked at differently and I knew that Alex or Ben were going to tell at least someone and people would find out. Matt was an extremely tough kid, who did know how to work very hard (Lifting, training etc.), and really never took shit from anyone, though just took it to another level quite often.
Matt called me at about 11 o clock the next night telling me he took 3 rolls and was begging me to still be his friend, I yelled at him for taking the rolls and said I was still his friend and to NEVER take those again. The next day in school I saw Matt, and once again, he had taken rolls that morning at school. Talking to him at school that day was like talking to a zombie, he was emotionally drained, and was NOT the same person I knew and respected.
After these 3 days Matt was never the same again, or even close to the same. He began to abuse extasy on a VERY regular basis and within 3 weeks of that day, he was completely gone. A kid who was on his way to the air force, an extremely hard worker, and just an all in all a damn good friend, was now a ghost. He started breaking into people's houses and would steal from people who tried to continue being his friend. I saw Matt about 2 months after the day, (I had seen him since then just it had been about a month since I had seen him, I had tried to help him greatly I had just reached a breaking point, and knew he was gone) so after about a month of not seeing him I saw him at a local spot. There were 2 gangsters around him, with alot of people we knew watching. Matt had robbed one of the gangsters and right as I showed up it was about to go down. When Matt was the Matt I knew, there is almost no doubt in my mind he would have flattened both of them at the same time, with alot of ease. But the new Matt was terrified, almost in tears, begging for them not to hurt him. Me and my friends talked to the gangsters and they left. I did not see Matt after this day, because he later got put in jail for breaking into houses.
This day proved to me how extremely powerful extasy really is. Like I said prior to this I had taken alot of X, about 45 different times, and had taken 5-6 rolls on many different nights with almost no side effects. I am a bodybuilder and football player accepted to college, and never felt lasting effects of rolls. But after that day I did and continue to. All it takes is hearing the song 'One blood' because it was on while Matt was shaking uncontrollably. Just simple things reminding me of Matt bring me back to that day and give me a feeling I can not explain, like I'm rolling, and having all these feelings hit me very hard, almost like a train at times. Though this has gotten better due to the fact this was about 6 months ago.
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