Citation: johnlocke. "Hope for Those Suffering from Anxiety: An Experience with Clonazepam (exp66985)". Erowid.org. Dec 8, 2015. erowid.org/exp/66985
I figured that I'd write about what I know...and for that reason, I chose to write about clonazepam.
Some background info on me: approximately 70 kg, occasional pot smoker and drinker, but I've never really taken to it as much as some of my friends have. I have a prescription for clonazepam due to anxiety (as well as Zoloft, for depression). I doubt that would factor into my report, but I'd rather you all be filled in on everything.
My favorite drug is probably a tie between DXM and amphetamine. As a side note, anyone on SSRIs shouldn't take DXM at all. Period. That shit'll give you the worst hangover ever. But regarding amphetamine, paradoxically, it made my social anxiety go away.
Anyway, let's get down to business.
About fifteen minutes ago, I crushed up five one-mg. pills and heated up some water. As well, I haven't eaten in a few hours. I've found personally that this combination maximizes the speed at which the clonazepam is absorbed by the body. I throw the crushed pills on my tongue and gulp down the water.
The dosing is a very tricky thing to get down correctly...it's walking a fine line between not enough and a waste of money (because 2x the dose will not get you 2x as relaxed, law of diminishing returns). Considering that I take Ambien (10 mg. nightly) and 1 mg. of clonazepam daily, I think that 5 mg. is a good dose to maximize the effects. Noobs to clonazepam should probably start at 0.5 mg., or 1 mg. I'm envious of the days when I would get totally tranq-ed up on that low of a dose!
Approximately twenty-five minutes have transpired since I dosed with the clonazepam, and I am feeling loose and more relaxed. There is little euphoria associated with this stage, but I do realize that I am now, officially, under the hold of my little guardian angel, which I call Clono. Haha.
Forty minutes in, and I feel approximately the same level of tranquility (I believe now it is beginning to noticably take hold on my mental faculties). I would liken this drug to alcohol (in low to moderate doses) in its effects, minus the pitfalls of that substance. I've never had a clonazepam hangover, and I doubt that I ever will. Even if I do, I suspect it would be no more than a continuation of what I feel now (which wouldn't be a bad thing!!).
One hour into the experience, and I came across a strange and admittedly obvious fact that I must have neglected to see. In general, clonazepam tends to make one more thoughtful (at least in low doses, and without concurrent use of alcohol) about matters, and I have found it makes me more creative. Anyway, it has occured to me that what I suffer from in everyday life is anxiety, so, I looked onto the Merriam Webster dictionary for antoynms for 'anxiety': calm, calmness, content, contentment, ease, peace, placidity, quiet, quietude, serenity, tranquillity (or tranquility), comfort, consolation, relief, solace.
Despite the fact that this should have been obvious to me, sometimes things like that just don't occur to an individual. This was one of those times. Therefore, in the future, I believe that I should increase those activities that provide calmness before and, when possible, during an anxious episode. I realize that benzodiazepines are meant for the short-term, and I truly feel bad that I haven't researched these matters more fully until I have been taking benzodiazepines for some two months now!
Another factoid that I've discovered is that clonazepam's peak plasma concentration is in approximately one to four hours. I think that I'm approaching the peak, should come here in about an hour or so. Also, this substance is incredibly useful for achieving supraconscious states in meditation...it basically takes me automatically to the stage of deep relaxation by itself, and reaching deeper and more lucid states is simply a matter of doing it under its influence.
One wonders how much sooner nirvana would have been discovered had the Bodhi tree produced these small blue pills as flowers. :)
I will report back in some thirty minutes, less, if I notice an appreciable change.
One hour and twenty minutes, approximately, have passed. I feel very relaxed, calm, slightly sedated, and at ease with everything. The last thing is most important...I really feel that if people could seriously adopt the attitude that everything's okay, just the way it is, that everyone would be much better off. I was thinking the other night--and this is an extreme example--while I lay in my bed. I thought about what I would do if some serial killer came into my room and wanted to shoot me to death. Would I struggle? How can I possibly outrun bullets? No, my opinion is that I'd stretch tersely in bed and let him do as he pleases. I'd actually, if possible, ask him to wait for a few moments and start a dialogue with him. Who is he? Why did he choose me? Why does he feel the desire to kill? And from such, I think that he might actually reconsider his actions, even if he doesn't, I think that struggling against a certitude (in this situation, my death) is of no value. I would just let him shoot me, and be done with it. I don't see the point in getting all worked up emotionally about such things, they are beyond my control, anyways.
Last night, I wasn't under the influence of anything, really. It just seems to me, from the teachings of the Tao, that one shouldn't try to force things, or to struggle against impossible barriers just for the sake of preserving your life. Again, this is an extreme example. But I could think of others.
Another might be the fact that I don't have many friends at the present, because of the fact that I am scared that, when I talk to people, they will reject me. I have the irrational notion that they don't care about me...in fact, I think that people despise me. This is obviously very irrational thinking. If anything, then, I would say that to be in a state of ease, which I am now in, is far superior to my typical habits of acting on the basis of unjustified fear and illogical reasoning.
I will return in thirty minutes. A slightly dispreferable side-effect that I have begun to notice is that I have slight double vision--almost imperceivable, however. This isn't nearly what you get when drunk, and it's analogous to the off/on high of marijuana, in that I can turn it off with the slightest effort on my part to focus on the object of my attention.
It's been approximately two hours since I dosed. I feel very tranquil...but it's not so much so that I can't function or anything to that matter.
I really wish that I could feel like this all the time...where all my worries and cares just fly out the window, disappear into mist. But I know that without some pretty big changes in how I view myself, how I think, and behavioral changes that will probably involve a lot of work in regards to meditation, I won't be able to get there. I can't help but feel that this way--taking a drug to feel better, to correct my social anxiety--is the easy way out. Tomorrow, I'll begin the long process of confronting my fears about social interaction, begin to challenge my unrealistic thinking patterns, and begin to meditate much more frequently.
I feel that this has been one of the most transforming events in my life...one where I don't feel anxious anymore, one where I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, where I emerge a more confident, rational being without the use of this drug. However, I have to say that this drug has been a godsend to me, I know now how it feels to be unafraid in the face of what life throws at me, and to fight the urge to maintain my lifestyle that is almost continually marked by fear and a preoccupation about what other people think of me. This experience is truly one that I will remember for the rest of my life...and I hope that those of you out there who have similar problems as do I with social anxiety, or anxiety in general, find some hope in what I have said. It's not hopeless...it can be fixed, and despite all the good that clonazepam has done for me, I can see in the near future, with a lot of hard work, that taking medications to dull certain aspects of my cognition will become a thing of the past.
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