Citation: Adrian. "Hotel California: An Experience with Cocaine (exp67385)". Erowid.org. Apr 9, 2019. erowid.org/exp/67385
||(powder / crystals)
I first tried cocaine when my pot dealer, who also deals cocaine, gave me a half gram for free on my birthday. I had no idea what to expect, but I loved it. However, I won't waste time explaining how good doing coke made me feel. There are plenty of stories and personal accounts from others all over the internet that will cover that base much better than I could. The story I have to share about my experiences with cocaine is a much darker one, and if you only clicked on this to read a cool, fun story about doing cocaine, you should turn back now. Anyhow, I suppose I should begin.
That first night doing cocaine on my birthday was a tease. I split that half gram with two of my friends, and I really wanted to do more once I was out. However, after I came down, those feelings went away and I returned to normalcy. A few days afterward, still with a big wad of birthday cash in my wallet, I contacted my friends about getting a hold of some more coke. We got it and got on it, and this time the high was greater. In retrospect, I consider this usage of cocaine as the one that attributed to my persisting addiction. Again, after I came down the cravings seemed to subside and I went on with my routine. But the cash I had was burning a hole in my pocket and the availability of the cocaine made it too difficult to say no. The next day I got more and indulged again. Even with this third use, my tolerance was building and I needed more lines to get on it.
This process repeated until I was out of birthday money. I am a strong willed person and I couldn't bring myself to spend money I'd earned on such an expensive drug - yet. After a few weeks, I began to crave it even more and finally caved in, spending a third of my paycheck on an eight ball. This was by far the largest amount of cocaine I had purchased so far, and having that much in my possession made me feel so happy. I went home and did several lines. But this time, the experience went terribly awry. At the time, I lived in an apartment that had few windows. My unit was located on the top floor and I had the blinds shut. But I couldn't shake the feeling that I was being watched. Continually, I thought I heard people walking down the hallway outside my apartment. I would pace over to the peep hole an peer outside... no one was there. Eventually, I opened the door so that I could see the entire hallway... still, my mind was playing tricks on me.
I sat in front of the TV for an hour or two and waited to sober up. Deciding against doing more lines, I headed for bed. The next morning I woke up at 10 AM and picked up where I left off, doing more lines. I did lines off and on until about 3 PM, at which point I told myself to stop since I had to be at work at 5 PM and had already been threatened with being terminated for being stoned at work. Right about this time, my body started to feel very cold, like I had the flu. I laid down on my sofa, wrapped up in several blankets. I felt horrible. As time passed, I just wanted it to end, even if that meant death. I wanted to deny it, but it became painfully clear as each minute went by... I was experiencing an overdose.
I decided that I couldn't go into work without showering, so I went to my shower and got in. Almost immediately, the hot water caused a spike in my body temperature and I got out almost as fast as I got in. I went back to the sofa and called into work to see if I could arrive an hour later. Thankfully, my boss granted my request and I continued to wait it out.
I cannot explain the horror that one goes through while experiencing something like this. I had no friends that I felt comfortable calling and explaining my situation to. I couldn't phone for an ambulance for fear of my family finding out that I had used cocaine. Basically, I had to sit there and wait for either death or to slowly return to sobriety. Lucky for me, it was the latter, but I was most definitely standing on the edge.
A few more hours passed, and I returned to normal around 8 PM while I was at work. It was the scariest five hours of my life. Against my better judgment, I did some more lines when I got off of work just so that I could get rid of the cocaine. Thankfully, this did not trigger more negative symptoms
I have been doing cocaine for about a year now. My current self is a stark contrast to the naive young man who did his first line on his birthday last year. The man who would not spend his paycheck on cocaine has now taken cash advances off of his credit card to the tune of $3500. I have pawned things I didn't need, but would have liked to have held onto, just to get another gram. What's worse is that the feelings of paranoia have not gone away. Now, I live alone and when I do cocaine in my home, I think people can see me through the windows (which are covered by curtains). I hallucinate sounds and sometimes I think the cops are staking out my place, waiting to bust me. This is of course never true, as when I come down I realize I am safe and sound with nothing to fear.
I wish I could go back in time and never take that first line up my nose. I realize that I only have myself to blame, and have resigned myself to not do cocaine again for a long while. My situation is bad, but it could definitely be worse. I have chosen to salvage my life while I still can, and will undoubtedly spend as much time and money fixing my life as I did going on cocaine binges. The lesson I would like to pass to an earlier version of myself is not to underestimate that pile of powder sitting on the mirror in front of me. It came so close to ruining my life, and if I allow it to, it will ruin mine.
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