Citation: The Mad Hatter. "Reflections on Wonderland: An Experience with LSD (exp6741)". Erowid.org. Feb 21, 2002. erowid.org/exp/6741
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As I sit here at my computer terminal and reflect on the last few years of my life I am still in disbelief. I wanted to share my story of experimental drug use and where that road took me. Six months after I started using marijuana, a friend ask me if I wanted to try LSD. At this time of my life I was a second year college student who was happy, athletic, religous and success-driven at school. I came from a perfectly innocent life that epitimized 'Leave It To Beaver'. I never even drank until I 19. Innocently though I began using pot on rare occasions and I eventually became facinated by the unknown drug, LSD.
After a little enticing from a friend I decided to trip. This first experience was wonderful for me. I had so much fun and seemed to learn so much through new perceptions that I had formed from tripping. I didn't trip again for one month but when I decided to drop again it became a habit every two weeks for 4 months. I usually dropped two gel tabs on those weekends and enjoyed the company of friends wherever we were and whatever we did.
During this time I became facinated with the new ideas that were forming as a result of taking acid. I felt that I was becoming smarter, or maybe more aware. It seemed perfectly normal that my friends and I tripped every two weeks. We were doing good in our college courses overall and it seemed perfectly balanced. As I reached the third month in which I was tripping it was more about expanding my mind than anything else. Pot is to get high and feel the buzz but LSD is for the knowledge and experience. I knew at the time that there are consequeces for every action that we take but I believed the consequence of taking acid was the responsibility of more knowledge and a loss of innocence. By the time I was leaving college for the summer my mind was semi-fried. I believed that it was perfectly permissable that reality could be a hoax, an illusion of the mind. I battled thoughts on how there was no such thing as a common shared reality since I had learned through tripping that everybody perceives differently. In theory we could all just could be brains in a tank hooked to wires or that nobody else really existed.
I chose not to do drugs of any sort over the summer in response to my frazzled state of mind. When I returned to college, however the temptations were too great. My use continued on a less frequent basis but my trips were becoming wilder. I went to parties all night long, taking everything to the limit. In addition to smoking pot, I know had tried mushrooms, opium, hash, nitrous oxide and an array of painpills. I was changing due to my experiences with acid. I became incredebly interested in philosophy and abstract concepts; something I never really could get into. I lost all my faith in God or rather I was became confused. I became more introspective and constantly thought about philosophic notions. I was still learning and that was my rationalization to sustain my usage. My trips were still wonderful experiences that I enjoyed immensely.
The problem point came in January of 2000. A lot of acid became available and I bought it. In January I ate 30 hits of paper. By the first of February I would and could just stare at the wall for hours...just thinking in a dazed out stupor. I felt different than ever before. I reached a new ability to think during this time. The way I describe it is as the equivelent to water busting through a damn full-force in all its fury. Now I began reading philosophy and other interests that came to mind but totally neglected every other area of my life. I couldn't get enough of books that stimulated my mind...that is books outside of my school curreculium.
I began partying to all hours of the night, drinking and smoking pot. Retrospectively, I was in a state of depression that fueled a circular drug frenzy...I was depressed so I drank and drinking and using drugs caused more depression. I could never get it through my thick skull that the acid had sent my bio-chemicals on a rollercoaster ride and it would take sometime for them to reestabilish normal levels. Four weeks before my graduation I realized what I was doing to myself. I still partied like no tomorrow but now I was trying to make-up for all the school work I hadn't been doing. I had missed two-thirds of all my classes and my professors were simply not simpathetic to somebody who never came to class.
I stayed-up around the clock doing projects and work almost in a cumpulsive manner. I couldn't do it. I was smart enough, had the potential to ace all of my courses but I couldn't do it. I put 300% in at the last minute and no matter what I did, I coudn't fix it. I came VERY close to having a nervious breakdown. I drank and drank and drank just hoping to go numb. I failed classes that were nessessary for me to graduate...JUST expanding my mind had now cost me a college degree. I was messed-up in the head from all this. I had such rage and depression problems. I attempted the two last courses I needed in the fall, while working part-time. I was convinced that I was behind my problems and that 'I could handle it'.
When I started my classes though I was on a 5 day DXM binge. I went to my first class and was in such a state that I couldn't really talk or write which was apparent from my notes. My vision was so blurred that I could see about 15 feet in front of me. Shortly thereafter I bought a sheet of paper. I was the party. Whenever I wanted to trip, me and whoever around me could trip if the wanted. I tripped with my friends and then by myself. After a while I knew that I had to get rid of the rest of the acid because my life was starting to resemble the movie 'Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.' It didn't matter though...it was too late. I became so depressed for about 6 weeks that there were times I didn't want to get out of bed. I knew I could do my school work but I got so overwhelmed that I just worried myself into submission. I just couldn't handle any stress because I was so emotionally unstable. I had no illusions this time about why I was so depressed. Hind sight is 20-20 goes the common saying...I just never invisioned the conseqences to be so severe. My classes were a failure...I began to beat my depression but not in enough time to pass my classes. 'What is wrong with me' I wondered? but I already knew.
I am now getting ready to graduate one year late. I got my act together and I will soon be a college graduate. I spent an entire year in total depression, a constant feeling of void and anxiety because I couldn't see that acid was a drug just like any other drug. It almost took from me everything and everybody I cared about and this is something I am deeply ashamed of. I am not saying not to try LSD, but what I am warning of is the severe consequences that are at hand if you are ready to overconsume acid or any drug for that matter. Go ahead and seperate your usage from my experience if you want to try to make yourself feel normal but the truth is I was invincible just like you. I never believed I had a problem until it was too late...DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU! The narrator from the movie Magnolia said it best 'You might be through with the past, but the past ain't through with you'.
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