Citation: wicked world. "Chasing That Feeling: An Experience with MDMA (Ecstasy) (exp67475)". Erowid.org. Jun 27, 2018. erowid.org/exp/67475
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I still regard the first time I did ecstasy as one of the best nights of my life. It amazed me that a simple pill could turn a night of doing absolutely nothing into such a beautiful, ethereal experience. Like so many others, due to the reports that I had read on ecstasy, I was under the impression that it was not addicting. And Iím no doctor, maybe it isnít physically addicting, but it is one of the most incredible feelings one could imagine, and once I felt the way I do on ecstasy, Iíll do just about anything to try to get that feeling back
When I first tried ecstasy, I was very inexperienced with drugs. I had smoked pot and done cocaine a few times each, but was always afraid to try anything harder. But one night, a good friend of mine and I were hanging out, and she was on ecstasy. She said she felt amazing, and she seemed to be having a great time (and she was a lot more pleasant than she usually tends to be). She had just picked up 10 pills for herself, and even though I was still somewhat afraid to try it, curiosity got the better of me, and I talked her into selling me one of hers (I suspect the only reason she sold it to me was because she was rolling). The second it hit me, I knew I never wanted to do another drug again.
I felt incredible. The happiness I was experiencing absolutely consumed me. Iím normally not a very emotional person, nor would I say Iím a very happy person, but on this drug, I was who I wished I was when I was sober. I felt no shame, I was introspective, I had no problem opening up to people and trusting them, and I was completely able to tell people how much I appreciated them, and their friendship. I could see the good in everything.
But I had seen other people get burned out by doing too much ecstasy before, so I promised myself I wouldnít let things get out of hand. And for a while, I was just fine. I rolled once every month or two for about a year, and ecstasy was still as good as it was the first time I did it, but after that, things got a little complicated. I was finally making some decent money at my job, plus, I had recently made friends with a kid who was huge into ecstasy, had all the connections, and was always down for getting it. He would call me all the time asking if I wanted to get rolls with him, and I could never turn it down.
And well, even that was good for a short period of time. But once I did ecstasy enough times, I lost the magic. I no longer felt the way I used to when I rolled. It wasnít a refreshing experience that I had once in a while anymore, it was just a routine occurrence. I longed to feel the way I used to, so I did what many people doÖI took more and more. I thought that maybe by taking 2, 3, 4, sometimes even 5 rolls I could regain the magic I had lost, but I didnít. It was never enough, and on the comedown I always just felt more dirty and used than I did before. From January to March of that year, I had taken at least 120-130 pills. Every weekend I would end up taking at least 6 or 7 pills, and one weekend I even managed to take 20.
And somewhere around this time is where depression started to set in
somewhere around this time is where depression started to set in
. I couldnít really enjoy anything the way I used to be able to, and every day that I didnít roll was completely worthless to me. It was hard to get happy about anything, and I had friends who were concerned. But I pushed them away, and thought they were stupid, and they didnít understand. In retrospect they were probably right in saying that I was out of control.
The sad thing is, I never really quit on my own. Ecstasy had stopped flowing into town, and I honestly feel like if it hadnít, Iíd probably still be doing it to this day. But for a solid 5-6 months, I could never find it anywhere. Iíd like to be able to say that I finally realized that it was interfering with my school work, my job, and my personal relationships, and made a mature decision to stop, but I didnít. I just couldnít get it, and Iím glad for that now.
And well, after not doing it for an extended period of time, I was able to reflect on the past with a more level head. At the time I knew I was depressed and I knew many aspects of my life were suffering, but I could hardly fathom that a drug as incredible as ecstasy could be the cause for all of that, but it was.
These days, I could probably make one phone call and get all the rolls I want, but I choose not to. It almost feels stupid writing an addiction and habituation essay about ecstasy, given the ďfactĒ that itís not addicting. I would not encourage, nor discourage anyone to try this drug. But one thing's for sure...you have to treat it with the proper respect. Easier said than done.
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