DOSE: T+ 0:00	1 tablet	oral	MDMA
T+ 48:00	repeated	oral	Alcohol

BODY WEIGHT:

145 lb

A little about my drug history at the time of this experience: I‘d taken ecstasy about 6 or 7 times over the course of a few years, with experiences usually separated by at least a couple months. I’d taken LSD and mushrooms probably around 10 or 15 times, but hadn’t tripped for about 7 or 8 years. I’d done a bit of cocaine, casually (if it was around), but never really sought it out and didn’t do it that much. Cocaine and alcohol were the only drugs I’d used fairly recently (I didn’t smoke pot). I hadn’t taken ecstasy in probably a year or so.

My general life situation at the time: I was in my late 20's, working as a test prep teacher and as an office temp. My job, apartment, and girlfriend situations were all kind of unstable and less than happy.

So here’s what the experience was: I was in another country for a family celebration, and at the celebration, a friend of a relative offered me an E. I took it and when it came on it felt pretty good, though it was a bit strange for me to be in a situation where I was high, and had to sort of hide it (or at least not act freely in a “high” way). That probably affected the intensity of my experience a little, and it wasn’t a particularly memorable one. I felt good, and I felt the rolling feeling of E, but it wasn’t all-encompassing or blissed out. Definitely not comparable to a few experiences I’d had before. It just kind of made the night more interesting. We were at the party for a while, then another friend of his took us to a café and someone else’s house. Again, I felt good the whole time, but it wasn’t too memorable. Actually, I kind of remember regretting that I wasn’t rolling with people I knew better in a more familiar and relaxed setting. But it wasn’t uncomfortable.

The next day (or maybe it was two days later), everyone flew home. I don’t remember feeling unusually down or depressed, or anything out of the ordinary until that night.

A good friend of mine, who I don’t get to see very often, was visiting the city I live in, and flying out the next morning. We made plans for me to call him after getting back from the airport (which was around 10pm), and I did. I had to work the next day (the temp office job during the day, then teach for a couple hours in the evening), and probably considered not drinking very much and getting home relatively early, but I didn’t give it too much thought.

I met my friend, and we had a great time. We used to really enjoy drinking together, so that’s what we did. We got fairly drunk, then somewhere around 2 or 3, we went back to my place and drank the few beers I had around. As it got later, the idea of waking up to go to this shitty temp office job was starting to haunt me. I remember specifically feeling really bitter about the idea of having to cut our hang short just so I could go to bed and make it in to work. Then, I remember kind of making a decision that there was no way in hell I was going to let something I didn’t give a shit about take precedence over spending time with my friend. I went and got more beer, and we drank until about 4 or 5, then he took off, back to where he was staying. I was starting, in the background, to feel really wound up with a lot of unhappiness and dread about the next day – not necessarily just about going to work, but about being back in my life, which at the time seemed complicated and not too enjoyable.

Anyway, I basically stayed up for another hour or so drinking, then crashed around six and just didn’t show for my job the next day. I’ve never done that before (though I’ve quit my fair share of meaningless jobs). I woke up in time to go in late, but I felt so upset and depressed about it that I felt I physically couldn’t go. It was all I could do to make it to my teaching job later that day. There’s no way to really describe how I felt for the next few days (possibly up to a week, I don’t remember exactly) besides saying that I was more depressed than I’ve ever been in my life. I’d already been kind of depressed about my life situation at that time – about finding out that I was going to have to move apartments, having broken up with my girlfriend a few months before, not liking my job and not knowing what else to do for work, feeling directionless and worried about money in general – but this went beyond what I’d felt about all of that before. It was almost like there was a physical component to this sense of depression and despair, it was really terrible, I really felt like, “OK, I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do for the rest of the day, let alone the rest of my life.”

Eventually, probably no more than a week later, the depression lifted. I dealt with finding a place to live, but I never went back to that office job and burned a bridge with a temp agency that had been really good to me.

About what I think caused the experience: I don’t think this experience was completely caused by ecstasy – but I came to think that it was caused by my having taken ecstasy at a time in my life when I felt particularly unsettled, and in circumstances that did not allow for any potential healing of or dealing with these underlying feelings of unhappiness about my current life situation. I’ve heard what people say about ecstasy possibly messing with your serotonin levels, and affecting your brain chemistry in a way that could make it chemically more difficult for you to feel happy. As far as I know, this is still controversial, so I don’t believe it or not believe it. I do know that I’d taken ecstasy several times in years past and had never experienced any kind of severe depression afterwards. But if I had to describe the way I felt in the days I’ve just talked about, it would be just that: that it felt like my brain was chemically unable to feel happy.

So, I guess my experience is that set and setting matter, even with E. And that it seems possible that ecstasy could’ve affected my brain in a way that made me more susceptible to depression afterwards, at least when I was already leaning towards it. It also seems possible that ecstasy just has the potential to bring up unconscious material that isn’t always pleasant, in the days following the high – my unhappiness was definitely there long before this particular roll, it was just sort of buried. I’ve found a lot of stuff online about depression following ecstasy use (independent of set or setting), and the whole “losing the magic” phenomenon, and my experience might be an instance of one or both of those. In any case, I think it’s valuable for anyone taking ecstasy (at least if you’re relatively new to it), to know that people can get depressed afterwards. But we don’t necessarily, so the point of knowing isn’t to worry about it. It’s just to know that if it happens to you, you’re not the only one, and for many people it doesn’t last that long. I wish I had known that in the days following my roll, it might have made dealing with it a lot easier.

Incidentally, in the end, quitting that office job was a good thing. It was utterly meaningless to me and a waste of time. I regret that I did it in such a way that left the temp agency in a bad position, but burning that bridge was a kind of final moving-on thing for me. Since then, I haven’t taken a single crappy job just because it’s easier than figuring out what it is I actually want to do.

Exp Year: 2005	ExpID: 67749
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Jun 27, 2018	Views: 702
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MDMA (3) : Depression (15), Hangover / Days After (46), General (1), Small Group (2-9) (17)