Citation: Chris M.. "Oxy Head Continuum - the End Complete: An Experience with Heroin, Opioids & Benzodiazepines (exp68172)". Erowid.org. May 30, 2019. erowid.org/exp/68172
Heroin, Oxycontin, benzodiazepines, buprenorphine, various
I had wrote experience reports two times before this. The first was to give details to my amazing first journey I had on 2c-E called Riding the Rollercoaster
. The second was at the beginning of an addiction that stole my soul and controlled my life. It was titled Oxy Head
. This is my continuation of that.
At first I started with marijuana, booze, and a vicodin here or there. Then came the psychedelic part of my life that lasted about a year when I entered college in Milwaukee. There I got into coke and ecstasy, but was able to somewhat control myself. And when I decided to quit it wasnít absolutely dreadful, but I still had mad mental cravings for them.
During the end of that period I tried oxycontin for the first time. It took a couple months, but in that time I was able to get the person I cared most for in the world addicted, and had grown quite a tolerance. After a few months of daily use of oxys, we tried heroin. I loved it, but thought it was about the same as a really good oc high. I would never shoot them up, but I would only snort them. Eating would be a waste. Five months go by and me and my girlfriend had somehow went through her entire savings account, which was over $14,000. We would make almost daily trips from Milwaukee to green bay everyday. I couldnít believe how much money we were spending, but at that time I was hypnotized by the opiates.
The first months were amazing, the sex was unreal, the nod was unreal, everything was just great! But then when you run out of money or fall into a dry spell, the nightmare begins. Withdrawals are the worst things anyone could experience. Yeah they cant kill you, but while theyíre happening I would rather die than sit, wriggle, lying in agony. If it was 24hrs, hell I and a lot of others could handle that, but over a week is impossible. It would grow worse and worse every day until the fifth day. The constant cold to hot sweats and chills, the runny nose, and the muscle aches. I had it worse in my lower legs. It would feel like I had ran a marathon, sore and hard to move, but at the same time Iím wriggling and shaking and canít keep control of my legs. Nothing can be comfortable.
I started the daily routine in December of 2006, and by the June of that next year I was so far down in a hole I never thought I would have came out. In May I decided I should quit, I was tired of being sick and tired. I decided to do it on my own.
This was how I kicked it for two months: First I ordered 60 tramadols (a weak synthetic quasi-opioid) online, then I had some valiums, xanax, and cyclobenzaprines handy if I needed them, I also had plenty of Nyquil and ambien. Clonidine would have been really nice, but not many people have that around. I managed to not touch or sniff anything up my nose. I was still smoking buds, but other than that I was clean. Then I donít know what the catalyst was, but my addiction came back with a vengeance.
I donít know what the catalyst was, but my addiction came back with a vengeance.
I think it was when I had found a few more urgent cares that I had not hit up. By June I had been to over 50 clinics in the Wisconsin/Illinois area, always giving some sob story to get some vidcodin, Percocet, whatever I could get to avoid or aid the withdrawals.
Pretty much going to those few clinics, started what would become the beginning of the end. From July till November I was on a one way track to death. I didnít care about anything, not family, not friends, not even my girlfreind. All my life was surrounded around getting up, waiting anxiously to get to the time I could call someone to get something, and then find anyway possible to get where I need to be. Iím pretty sure I spent close to a year waiting for the stuff in the two years I was on them. I somehow managed to be able drive up to Green Bay over 4 times a week, with a suspended license, and no car. When youíre hooked you will do everything and anything to get what you want. After the two months of being clean ended I seemed to quadruple my tolerance and the addiction consumed me.
I was fooling myself every day. I would always say the next day would be the right time to quit. Every junky goes through this. Then I would spend $425 that I never had on a gram of premium H, say I could make it last easily a week, maybe even two, and then proceed to finish it less than two days broke, sick, and junk hungry. Its such a vicious cycle.
In October I was starting to come to realize how destructive my behavior was getting. I was going down down into a deep dark spiral. I lost many friends, owe thousands to various characters, borrowed so much money from great great friends and family that will never be repaid because I was stuck in a swirling ball of destruction, only thinking of myself. Iíve scammed so many people, I have stolen so many things from harmless, caring people. By November I was at the point of no return. At that time I also realized I had a dependence for the sleep aids- ambien and lunesta. I had taken then both every night for over 7 months. From the moment I woke up to the time I laid in bed, I needed something. Anything,-oxys, H, soma, xanax, valium, vicodin, dilaudids, methadone, and so on and so on. I canít believe how I havenít died from one of the many times I mixed large amounts of CNS depressants together in hopes of entering the land of nod. I was completely out of control and then it happened. It was bound to happen eventually, but it happened out of nowhere. My parents received a bill from an urgent down in Illinois looking for me. At first I tried a bullshit story, but in the end I had to confess. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.
My family decided it would be best for me if I went to a detox in Madison and then start a treatment afterwards back home near Rockford. The detox was incredibly uncomfortable, gut-wrenchingly long, and sweaty. My plan was to detox then try and start a suboxone treatment plan. I went in on a Saturday so I had to wait until Monday night to meet with a suboxone registered doctor. During those two and a half days, I was given a clonidine patch that lasted a week, then one .1 mg clonidine tablet every six hours. Then I would receive at first .5 mg of lorazepam (ativan) every hour. Since my tolerance for benzos were so high I had to make them switch it to every half hour. Even then it wasnít taking, so I decided to act like I had taken my lorazepam, then save them and when I had a few of them, I would go into my bathroom and snort them all at once, I was soo sad. The whole time I was wriggling in my skin, at night they gave an ambien which helped for a few hours of sleep.
Finally after it seemed like two weeks Monday night rolled around an I got to meet with my suboxone doctor. I left detox at 2mgs. of suboxone three times a day. By the first week of my out patient treatment program in Janesville I was at 16 mgs a day. At first the suboxone was like a miracle. It gave me a mellow familiar warm feeling like the opiates I used uncontrollably, but just enough to make me feel normal and have motivation to work or go to group meetings. The first couple of weeks of sobriety I was doing great, the suboxone was working really well, I had little urge to take a bunch of pills or snort something. The program I was in was a two week out-patient treatment plan. I decided to smoke a few times during the two weeks and got lectured about that, but other than that I was clean. I was still taking ambien and lunesta every night. After the two weeks I was feeling optimistic. The next step in my plan was to start an after-treatment, but everywhere I looked it was a couple of weeks at the earliest to get in. I knew I wasnít ready to be completely sober from everything, but I was fairly confident I could say no to any opiates offered.
Admitting to my friends, family, girlfriend was insanely hard, the two day withdrawals was excruciating, but after three weeks of being opiate free it really kicked in. I started to remember all the glorious times and stories I had while on it. Oh the nostalgia. I was having extreme cravings for the drug itself and then I had a whole super-fixation on putting something up my nose. I had tried snorting the suboxone, but that didnít improve the effects. And after about a month on suboxone I was starting to feel bad again, the cravings were getting stronger, and I got no effect from the suboxone at all. I relied on ambien and lunesta to get to sleep at night, and xanax or valium for the day. I also relied heavily on smoking pot consistently. Well something had to happened, my parents thought I was smoking and hiding things from them. While I was at work my mom was busily tearing apart my room looking for anything. Iím sure if someone would have been watching they would thought it was a swat raid. They found my ambien CR, Lunesta, and some synthetic urine I had bought in case of another drug test. I had hid these things all in my guitar amp in the basement. It was a heavy blow that came at the worst time, my family and I were going through a lot of stress and arguments. I decided it would be best if I would leave. So I decided to stay at a friends house in the same town and continue getting into after treatment.
I found a new doctor and had to go through telling the entire saga one more time. After hearing everything he decided to move me up to 32 mgs. of suboxone a day. He also wanted to keep me from running to xanax, ambien, and lunesta every time I had cravings or problems so he prescribed me clonazepam, also known as klonopin, 2 mgs.daily. to ease my withdrawal from all three. I have had a lot of experience with clonazepam and I like it a lot. It is a stronger and longer-lasting benzodiazepine. The xanax high is stronger, but klonopin stays so much longer. He was worried and so was I because I was his first patient to try taking benzos along with suboxone. It is known to easily cause overdose and death. We gave it a shot and as of right now it is working pretty well.
I still have mad cravings for H or oxys, and for xanax tooÖbut I am staying strong. Stopping and admitting I need help was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and I can't waste everything I have worked for for four hours of bliss, still chasing that high Iíll never reach. Iím giving living normal a try.
I can't waste everything I have worked for for four hours of bliss, still chasing that high Iíll never reach. Iím giving living normal a try.
I am still in after treatment with the same doctor. I am giving it my all to stay clean for myself, first and foremost, then my loving family and friends that have done so much for me. For anyone who is curious in trying opiates be wary. For a while, they provided a warm safe place outside of reality, that wrapped me in a blanket of utter warm bliss, but then it turned on me and took everything from me.
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