Citation: Gratitude. "A Rocket to Tibet: An Experience with Salvia divinorum (20x extract) (exp68425)". Erowid.org. Sep 2, 2016. erowid.org/exp/68425
While visiting San Francisco after Burning Man, I was hanging out with a couple friends, T & D, in a tiny apartment. Our host, B, offered us a variety of psychedelics; he had a case full of them. B mentioned offhandedly that he also had 10 and 20X salvia. I had already done most of what he had, so I asked about it. “If DMT is a slow train ride from New York to LA then salvia is a 5 minute rocket from NYC to Tibet. Salvia is not fun,” he warned. Being the experienced trippers we thought we were, my friend D and I wanted to try it anyway. T and B settled on some LSD.
B turned the lights down and prepared a potent hit of 20X salvia in his bong. D elected to go first and I tripsat for him. I watched as he inhaled deeply, held it for as long as he could, and exhaled. I grabbed the bong out of his reach as he stood up. He walked over to the dinner table and pointed at it, speaking only gibberish. I tried to engage him by asking questions but it was clear he didn’t understand me and was trying to tell me something urgent. I put the bong on the table and that seemed to have sparked something. He grabbed the bong and I put a hand on it as he picked it up and set it down again. He spoke nonsense. I put my hand on him to assure him that I was there and he grabbed my hand and set it on the table. He picked my hand up and set it on the table again. I giggled but he seemed intent on communicating something that I just couldn’t grasp. He seemed frustrated and agitated. I grabbed his arm and sat him back down. He senses began to return and a few words started making sense. When he seemed mostly back, he asked me which way was up. I giggled again and pointed. He thanked me and said that for a while, he couldn’t tell and that’s what he was trying to ascertain by dropping my hand on the table. After a few minutes of talking about his experience, we decided it was my turn.
I asked my host to play one of my most cherished songs, “On” by Aphex Twin to follow me into my journey. I leaned against the couch, gathered my courage and inhaled as deeply as I could. The last I remember about being in my flesh was simultaneously sliding down the couch, setting the bong down, and smiling.
I was taken to a place where the infinite possibilities one person contains in themselves are held. It looked similar to an Alex Grey painting. There were columns as far as I could see forward to backward, left to right. Except instead of faces, there were just pairs of eyes. Each pair was an alternate reality that had split from each decision I had made in my short life, and those my parents made, and their parents, and so on. I was floating in the void between the columns when I realized I shouldn't be here. All the eyes focused their attention on me and I got scared. I realized I was not in my body, nor did I know how to get back. I went up to a pair of eyes and looked through. And, wham!, I was in another body. It was me, but not the body that exists here.
I was me as a little girl, except in this reality, my parents had made different choices. I was in a ruffly pink dress playing with some sort of toy. As nice as that was, it was not any part of my memories so I knew it was wrong. I pulled myself away from the eyes and out of the body. I tried on more eyes. And more… and more... There was another one that I can remember out of all the eyes I put on. I was me as a teenager, but in this reality, I was happy. It was definitely not mine; I had not been a happy teenager. So out I went and back to the void.
More eyes and more. Panic was setting in. I became convinced that I would not find my way home, back to this body. Then the terror struck me. Sheer unadulterated terror. What if I never made it back? What if I was forced to choose a reality that wasn't mine? Oh god. oh god. Panic. Still more eyes I tried on. I began to get closer. I was entering realities that had spawned from decisions I had made a few minutes ago.
I was entering realities that had spawned from decisions I had made a few minutes ago.
I knew they were not the right one when I opened my eyes. So I kept trying.
As I zeroed in on this one, two sensations were happening simultaneously... I felt my body, my real body, being formed from the toes to the head by faces of mine from other realities. They were pushing on my skin from the inside as they were forming it. However, my consciousness was still separated, floating in the void, still trying on eyes. And finally, finally, I found my body. From what my sitter told me, I had been rocking violently side to side on my back saying over and over, 'I just want to be sober.' And I had taken an ambien to make myself fall asleep. Fully back in my body, I realized that I had taken yet another drug when all I wanted was release. I cried. My sitter held me. He'd been wrestling with my body, trying to keep calm what he thought was me. Apparently, I seemed confused and distressed, though I had only been speaking gibberish. The effects of the terror and the drug took a long time to wear off. But I had only been out for 5-10 minutes.
I set something in motion that night that lasted for months. My brain formed the pathway for the panic I'd felt on salvia, like nothing else I'd ever felt before. A week or two after the trip, it came back. The panic was triggered when I felt extremely disassociated from people and my connections with them, even if they are right in front of me. People didn't seem real. Everything began to warp. Reality itself warped and I felt as if I were falling forward. Then I'm filled with the terror. I tried to hang on to conversations to regain control but I continued to fall. It felt like I was losing my mind when there. I was afraid of feeling that way because I feared I wouldn't come back. My sanity will crack and there won't be anything left of me that's recognizable.
Since then, I have done a tremendous amount of healing and have found my faith in the Universe again. I owe it to Sage Woman and the terrifying experience she gave me that I would know what I needed to work on: my fear of death and my loss of faith. She will not give you what you want; she will give you what she knows you need. Accept her lessons, learn from them, and be grateful.
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