Citation: The Undertow. "Questionable Delirium: An Experience with Unknown Muscle Relaxant, Cannabis & Caffeine (exp69130)". Erowid.org. May 10, 2013. erowid.org/exp/69130
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A quick summary of drug use prior to experience: Extensive alcohol and marijuana use, inhalent use to the point of severe delusional hallucinations. (Duster) Used generic brand dramamine, and had significant experiences twice with dosages being 10-18 pills; and multiple experiences with caffeine pills, and altram (a pain killer).
Before the experience, I had had very little sleep. I was sleeping for a few hours at a time, then waking up and staying up for 18-20 hours. Before the experience, I had had two straight days of sleep deprivation and before that, I was having insomnia issues.
I had been reading a lot of reports about various delirients, psychedelics, and entheogens, and was eager to experience something out of the ordinary after my experiences with the dramamine; so, after a couple of days of sleep deprivation, I went to a friends house, as there's a good chance he'll have something every time I go over and he's always willing to share for free.
Shortly after I arrived, two other friends showed up with a graduated cylinder and we made a bowl out of it to smoke some pot. After smoking the pot, I was fairly high, and my friend suggested that I take a few muscle relaxers if I wanted to get really high. I took four all at once, and awaited what I thought would be an intense but easy to control experience. I was wrong about one thing.
After about an hour, I started to get antsy, thinking the pills would not work, and wanting to take some more, but my friend told me to be patient, and within half an hour, I was feeling very strange. At some point during this, I took a few caffeine pills, which relax me, and cause an almost drunken feeling. Within two hours of taking the pills, I was rather giddy and not making much sense. My friends would talk about something on the TV and I would make some connection with what they were saying to something else, and while it made sense to me, they found it amusingly ridiculous. I was also enjoying the feeling that when I stood up and sat back down on the couch, it felt as though I was still going down to sit on the couch for an extended period of time while still being aware and feeling as though I was already sitting and not moving. This was similar to the feeling that if I leaned against a wall, I would fall through the wall, and stay in the spot I was leaning on, but the part of me that felt like I was falling was also in the same position as the part of me that was standing still. Or the feeling that if I flung my arm even gently to the side, my arm would continue to move, following the same pattern of perceptions as the leaning and sitting.
After a while, my three friends were all going somewhere that I couldn’t go, simply because my friend’s mom only gave him permission to have two friends over, so, after a bit of back and forth of trying to convince him, we all went on our separate ways. The next thing I remember was being in a church, sitting in some sort of lobby and talking to myself and a family of people across the lobby that may or may not have been there (It should be noted that the entire trip felt exactly like Dramamine but to a much more intense degree), and who seemed to be trying to ignore me, either because they were suspicious or because they simply weren’t there. The father kept giving me nods and smiles but never talking, no matter what I said, which is one of the many things that always bothered me about Dramamine highs. It creates a very unsettling experience.
Anyway, at some point, the pastor of the church showed up and I wound up trying to get me to leave me alone, at one point telling him to ‘go get a job or something and leave me alone.’ Which is when he informed me he was the pastor, and I said something to the effect of ‘whatever, can you just leave me alone?’ He declined in a rather bothering manner, and it was at that point that I stood up and left. It should be noted that when I became aware I was in a church, I became extremely nervous and uncomfortable, as I often do at these places, and it became even more difficult to form words, which caused me to babble and make ‘bleah’ing noises when the words refused to form, making it certainly more clear to the people around me that I was not in my usual state of mind.
The next thing I remember was opening a set of double doors, which I later realized was the library next to the church that I also identified when I realized it was right next door. I had had difficulty knowing where the set of double doors and the church had been until I was waiting with a friend in front of the library and saw the doors, making me reasonably anxious that I would be recognized.
While I was in the library, the only things I remember are a man sitting and, I believe tuning a guitar, which freaked me out to no end, because he was constantly staring at me, walking around as though I was doing something, but, given my nervous, and delirious state, simply looking like a panicky fool who might at any point pull out a gun. I was constantly mumbling to myself and acting as though I had passed the isle I was looking for without consciously doing so. My body would simply blurt out ‘shit, wrong isle’ with me thinking that this was an acceptable and understandable reason for anyone watching me for my body to have suddenly jerked and turned in what can only be described as a bad disco move. It was hard to control my arms and back, so I was constantly bending over backwards and forwards and sideways and any combination of those directions while at the same time flailing my arms in an almost Jack Sparrow-like way. Forgive the reference, but it’s the only way to describe it.
It was after leaving the library (without an explanation of why I did nothing but walk around and did not so much as look at a book, and with suspicious eyes on me the entire time) that things got really interesting. I decided to go to the college library that I frequent when I’m in town because they allow non-students to check the computers. So after walking in, forgetting what I wanted to do, and pulling the same library-disco-isle moves I had pulled in the public library, I directed myself out the door, again without explanation and with suspicious eyes watching me.
I walked around campus aimlessly for a while before apparently coming to a stop at a curved bench that is part of four that circle an eagle statue in front of the college grounds that parts a brick walkway to the road crossing. I say apparently because I have no idea why I stopped, when I stopped or what brought me to that point, only the last few seconds of it, because as I stared at it, I heard my little brother yell “Hey brother, watch this!” from one of the other curved benches to the right. As I looked over at this hallucination, I saw my brother jump off and vanish into thin air. Instead of realizing that it was a hallucination and that nothing had really happened, I took this as my 3 year old brother having jumped off the bench, run around the large patch of bushes and disappear into the night when I was clearly supposed to be babysitting him while my mother was at work. (It was 6 o’clock. My mother got out of work at this time and drove to pick my brother up from day care. I was never supposed to watch him that day) Naturally, I panicked.
I began shouting for him as loudly as I could, and for a while, every time I did, I would hear his voice saying ‘I’m over here!’ but I was never able to locate where ‘here’ was, and he never answered. It was a faint voice that was coming from inside my head, and was therefore located (as ridiculous as this sounds) in the center of my head, so my ears could not cooperate and locate the sound. Again, it sounds ridiculous, because the sound was not real but that’s the only way I can think of to describe the feeling.
For the next two hours, I ran around the campus, yelling his name, which, after a while, received no reply, imaginary or no.
Occasionally, I would walk up to random college students and ask them if they’d seen a little 4 year old running around, then I would explain the story, and get either no response (which caused me to nearly cry in anger and exasperation, even though the people were probably mostly hallucinations) or they would say something that wouldn’t make sense to me and I would walk away with an exasperated grunt and a ‘god damnit.’ One time as I was shouting, a girl and what was I’m assuming her boyfriend, asked me if I was talking about some guy named Matt, at which point I explained the situation, and, I vaguely remember walking away leaving them wondering what the hell was going on. One guy stopped, and when I explained he asked if I needed help looking. I said that would be nice, and he said to look in one side of the bushes, while I looked in the other. I looked for a little while, thinking he had dropped a toy or something, which would give me a clue as to where he was, but never being able to find him, I started questioning if he was really lost. When I realized I was high, I said to the guy ‘shit, I forgot something’ in the same manner as the library incidents, then I ran off down the sidewalk.
At various points in my search, I would forget what I was doing, wander off somewhere, remember, then feel incredible amounts of guilt for having forgotten, thinking that because of my negligence, he may have been kidnapped or hit by a car, which caused me to search in the middle of the road for him.
At some point in the middle of all this, I yelled at a woman walking into a distant building with, again, the assumed boyfriend, for leaving her kid. Which is when I gestured at a figure that was, essentially, my brother, but that I thought was her kid. A kid that wasn’t really there.
Eventually, after about two hours of delirious wandering around the school grounds, wondering where the hell the church was that I was in, walking into the building that the woman walked into, then walking out, and not knowing what I was doing there, asking various people if they had seen my brother, I was forced to face the idea that he may not actually have been there and walk to my grandparent’s house to use their phone and sleep over as I lived 7 miles away and just wanted to sleep. I was terrified that when I walked in, my grandparents would ask where my brother was, and when they didn’t, I still wasn’t relieved. I tried to call my house, but forgot my number. It’s 7120, and I asked my grandmother whether it was 8952 or 8052, which warranted another suspicious look. She asked me if I was okay, and through numerous ‘bleah’s, I managed to explain that I was tired. She asked me what my number was, still with suspicious, and I recited it perfectly, then said ‘oh, yeah’ and put it in. Then asked my mom where my brother was. A stupid question if I was sober. I managed to pull off the extremely tired lie, then went to sleep.
The worst part of this entire thing, other than the losing my brother, was that every time I would ask a female student if they had seen my brother, I would begin to ‘bleah’, stutter, and mumble incoherent things at them, which made them nervous; one of my worst fears is that any time I interact with a woman, I will act strangely enough that it creeps her out. I hate making women nervous, and when I’m high, the thought makes me more nervous. So, as you can imagine, I was a nervous wreck of paranoia and delusional stuttering any time I asked the female students questions, and they would wind up looking like they were about to run from me screaming.
I recently saw one of the same people I talked to this day while high on a blunt, and I did the same things when trying to ask for a cigarette. Including the ‘shit, need a lighter’ disco-dance away move.
All in all, this was probably the worst drug experience I’ve ever had before or after. I recently did DXM, listened to Tool (Pushit [live]) in the dark, and fazed away, seeing the most violent, strange, and psychedelic images with my eyes closed in the dark, and I have since decided that I would definitely prefer that ecstatic, somewhat frightening high over the delusional one.
If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing, simply because I learned so much from the experience about the nature of delusion, the workings of the mind, the nature of hallucination and the psychology of, not only myself, but of interacting with random college kids at night. Especially when on deliriants.
In short, as terrifying as it was, it was an enlightening experience. I think the marijuana, and the bowl we smoked it from in particular, may have had some rather adverse effects when mixed with the muscle relaxers. It caused paranoia, and confusion, and probably caused a completely different experience than I would’ve had if I had just taken the pills.
I’ve since learned something that I thought I knew well: The adverse effects of mixing psychoactives. Don’t do it unless you have a sitter, or are experienced (meaning you’ve had to deal with severe delusions and hallucinations by yourself. Because, unless you know what you’re doing from experience, you will not be prepared)
Thank you for reading my experience, I hope you at least got some amusement out of it. I know I have by putting all together.
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