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It only makes things worse
Cocaine
by BeE-PuP
Citation:   BeE-PuP. "It only makes things worse: An Experience with Cocaine (exp697)". Erowid.org. Oct 9, 2000. erowid.org/exp/697

 
BODY WEIGHT: 125 lb


I don't really know how this all got started but it seems like too much has happened in such little time. In the past two months I have went from trying cocaine for the first time to becoming so addicted I can't even lie to myself about the addiction anymore. In the beginning me and about 2 or 3 friends would purchase a gram and we would be set for the night. It would make me feel so good. I felt such confidence and that is great because i have no self-esteem what so ever and i tried my whole life to feel some and all i had to do now was sniff some powder up my nose and i would feel as if i was on top of the world! Everything felt great from taking a walk, smoking a ciggarette, to scratching my head! Then quickly I would want some everyday and it didn't help that i had 2 feening friends thinking the same thing. So within at least one week we went from a gram a night to about 200 dollars worth of coke in one night! It almost sickening when u think about it we've became friends with our dealers we see them so much now.

For a while we knew that we were going to become addicted but we all have such fucked up lives and family situations we didn't care we were almost proud! We've made something of ourselves, now we're 'Coke-Heads'! I myself was going through the worst time of my life before i started using coke. My father passed away a year ago and my mother kicks me out my house every other week, I never go to school and had to agree to see a therapist weekly and was put on anti-depressants (that by the way i refuse to take)in order to be taking out a mental hopsital my mom put me in. And now that i can now admit that i'm officaly addicted things have only become worse. I come down hard even a few minutes after i take a couple lines i freak out if I don't sniff some more right away and when it's all gone i go and buy more until my nose is all stuffy and bloody that i can't sniff anymore even if i tried, only then will i decide i should go home.

Once i'm home i can't sleep and can't do anything but cry and become so depressed and suicidal and think about my life and how I'm fucking it up so lovely and how i'm just living this one big lie, i even lie to the therapist i see every week. Besides the mental part my body feels like it's wasting away. I've lost 15 pounds in the last month, i have to sleep with my mouth open because i can't breath through my nose anymore. Besides needing cocaine everyday to maintain i need caffiene pills to stay awake and nasal spray to try to clear my nose after averaging about a box and a half of tissues full of blood and mucus. Everyone around me had noticed a major change in me and when people Say things like i should stop i just push them out of my life!

I truly feel like crap all day every day. Now i still feel Bad even after i do the cocaine and i don't know how to stop and even if i'm ready or want to stop. All I do know is that I wasn't in the greatest mental state when i started but now I'm worse off then I ever was. It's like a sick nightmare that I can't get out of so I'm just here sitting here feeling so helpless
and confused.

Exp Year: 2000ExpID: 697
Gender: Not Specified 
Age at time of experience: Not Given 
Published: Oct 9, 2000Views: 10,312
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Cocaine (13) : Retrospective / Summary (11), Addiction & Habituation (10), Health Problems (27), Depression (15), Unknown Context (20)

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