DOSE:	2 bumps	insufflated	Ketamine	(powder / crystals)
	1 tablet	oral	MDMA	(pill / tablet)

BODY WEIGHT:

90 lb

How can I possibly begin this one? This is a story about my first experience with ecstacy, and it was the most powerful, frightening, amazing, and life changing experience all tied into one. Since then unfortunately, I've been extremely paranoid about every type of drug going into my body, including even minor caffeinated bevarages, as well as getting light headed randomly. There's more side effects but I'll explain them after I tell you my story. It's been 4 months since, and I am still recovering. I had taken bad pills before, just halves of really tiny ones, because I had always been too scared to try it. It never really gave me the effects of a mental roll, just a pretty nice body high or a 'physical roll' as I explain to people the difference for me.

I was at a rave party and the vibes were pretty nice, I felt safe so I decided to just do a few bumbs of ketamine with some friends because I had done it before and it was a comfortable high for me. I only ended up stumbling around a little, I could barely even feel the K, but I think it was the only reason I felt comfortable enough to take a pill. I wasn't scared a bit, I just dove headfirst and it was in my body before I knew it. It was kind of like a different person was inside my body doing this, a less scared side of me.

I didn't think much about it, actually I don't remember thinking about it at all. Then about 20 minutes after taking it, SWOOSH it all hit me. It was intense as fuck and I started panicking. My vision got really sharp all of a sudden and I told my friend continuously that I thought I was going to die, and I eventually got myself to beleive I was going to die soon too. The lights were like those really harsh lights in football feilds on really dark nights and they were literally BURNING through my eyes. They were too much and my heart was racing so hard I can't even explain how scared I was. My friend couldn't handle me panicking so much seeing as how she was rolling too so she dropped me off with someone else.

I was sitting on the pavement repeatedly saying 'have you ever rolled and felt like you were dying?' and everyone told me that I was just rolling really hard and I needed to calm down. Everyone moved past me extremely quickly and it was like the scene in Mean Girls when the camera is slowing down and zooming past the lunch tables when Janice is telling Cady about the different groups in their school. People would carry me to the heater and kiss me and tell me I was okay or people would sit in front of me, kiss, and then move really quickly or have a really quick conversation with lips speeding like rockets. I just remember sitting there and it was kind of like a switch in my brain got shut off. All of a sudden I calmed down and everyone was asking me questions but I couldn't hear and I couldn't answer. I remember the faces of angels who helped me, the face of my best friend smiling down on me and telling me everything was going to be okay, and then everything was.

I told someone I wanted to go dancing and since that point on, my night was amazing. I went inside one of the rooms and started rubbing myself and rubbing everyone around me and screaming about how great I felt. I wanted the whole world to know how beautiful I thought everything was and how beautiful I thought I was. I kissed everyone and hugged everyone and told every single person that I thought they were amazing. Even the creepy junglist guys, because I pictured them as little boys, or how they used to be with their parents as young children and I instantly saw how beautiful (please excuse my excessive use of the word beautiful) they were. I wanted everyone at that party to know me and know that someone out there loved them. People kept disappearing though and after rolling extremely hard for a few hours I realised that I had no one to talk to that I felt intrigued to talk to, but I still had a really intense body high. I don't remember any harsh comedowns or any comedown at all, just the fact that I wanted to meet more people and I felt kind of trapped even know I had a lot of people around me to talk to, they just weren't the kind of people I was looking for. I also remember finally feeling the cold on my skin, it was 40 degrees or less out I'm sure and I could finally feel it against my body. It was 4 am and the party was ending soon and we got a ride back with people I barely even knew, bad thing to do, but luckily we ended up being safe in their hands.

A week after that I felt fine, I was just really lightheaded all week and saw dots everywhere. Then all of a sudden it hit me about 8 days later. I was inside a store with my dad and the lights kind of reminded me of the lights at the party when I started rolling and the panic attack felt exactly how it felt when I started rolling. I had to tell him, and I did. I needed to feel safe, because this panic attack was extremely bad and at the time I didn't know you couldn't get hurt from panic attacks, instead I thought these were just roll comebacks and that I was going to have them the rest of my life. Let me add as well, before this experience I never had a panic attack once in my life, and I rarely got scared of anything. Ecstasy made my true behavioral disorders come out and I get panic attacks every so often. I am also spiralling into mania and depression, it comes off and on and unexpected times. Basically, now things shake and move violently in the sides of my vision and in the dark my eyes start twitching and everything moves together in a huge blob. I get random body highs once in a while too that remind me of rolling.

I decided to do this to explain to everyone why I get so scared now and what goes on in my mind, but it couldn't come out right. There's more hidden underneath this story, but to the point, my first experience with ecstacy made me a paranoid wreck and I will never be the same ever again, even though I can now see the world more clearly and I think I am beginning to get to know myself better.

Exp Year: 2007	ExpID: 69921
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: May 15, 2010	Views: 6,156
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